Each time a little harder.

I miss my therapist. Two years ago was not fun, I remember. Every day was a struggle. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere, even though I was.

And now it doesn’t really feel like a struggle. I’m not struggling. I went through all that for what? It’s like I’ve already lost. Without direction or a goal, all I can do is tune out the obvious discontent and pray for inspiration.

Have I lost hope? I had to blindly believe it would get better, make that suspension of disbelief so I could try. I see a lot more now everything that’s wrong. But I don’t seem to believe I can make it better. I don’t believe I can be happy. Have I settled in such a way to blind myself of it, because I knew I’d fight it? It’s not my nature for physical suicide at all; I fear I’m commiting spiritual suicide.

I fear I’ve given up inadvertantly. And that’s just not a good thing.

Why have you stopped going to therapy? Maybe you should go back

Phedre

January 22, 2006

Therapy is hard and people don’t realize it. It’s work. You may not be lifting heavy objects, but it’s emotionally exhausting. I miss going… I don’t think you’ve given up, Timmy.

Well not really ‘duh’ since I didn’t know the therapy was related to the school – you could have been going to a private therapist!!!

So. If you were my son and I knew you were feeling like this, I would encourage you to go back to your therapist and discuss antidepressants. Depression is a chemical imbalance and you can’t will it away. I’ve been on welbutrin for years- I know how you’re feeling. Has anyone ever suggested bipolar disorder? I hope saying this doesn’t upset you, but I’m worried about you.

(I’m not saying anything, not because I’m not reading, and not because I don’t care…but because you and I both know you can pull yourself out of this. I want you to have the chance to do it on your own. I love you very much, and I’m rooting for you-)

ShatteredSoul

you haven’t given up. you just need to realize that and give yourself credit. you CAN do it timmy. you can do whatever you put your mind to. you just need to stick with it. pardon the cheesy motivational talk. but it’s true. you’ve a great mind, a great personality… you could do anything, provided you believe in yourself.

RYN: I have been but there was no direct link that I could see between therapy and Rutgers. You have to remember that I’m not from the US and in England you don’t get therapy with school/college/university.

Therapy helps sometimes, btu because it forces you to help yoruslef. Or that’s how I see it. I don’t think you’ve given up. Some days it’s harder than others.. I wish I had a magic solution you know.I’d give it to you -and use it too. But one thing is true,every time you’ll win over the ‘malaise’ you’ll have win a fight over yourself,and it’ll be a kind of success. *hugs you very tight* Love, R.