Do Nothing Day.

I’m typically very observant of how I am. I love noticing cycles. Usually the most apparent to me is when I’m due for my next romantic fling. I’m thinking I’ll have at least one by New Year’s. It’s bound to happen. I’m far from the days when I felt nobody wanted me or desired me. It’s a good feeling. Just go about my life and eventually a nice bum will bump into me.

As I stated to someone, if I take a vow of celebacy, I’ll get laid within a week. I’ll refrain from doing so; I like sex.

One tendency I’ve noticed is how I need to “plan” things. Not a bad thing, really. I previously noticed how if I didn’t do at least one thing “useful” or “productive” during the day, I’d feel shitty. So I’d give myself that one thing to do. I’ve done this enough. So last night, I made a resolution not to plan to do a single thing today. Not even when I was to get up. I know what I’m doing tomorrow, probably something with Dan. But today. Didn’t have a clue! I didn’t plan not eating until 8 PM. I didn’t plan playing the Sims. I didn’t plan posting on LJ (until I found some fantastic gifs which illustrate how the foreskin retracts). Didn’t plan jerking off. I sure as hell didn’t expect to eat cream of wheat this evening. I may eat later on, but I have no idea what I’ll end up consuming. It’s quite exciting if you let yourself get into it.

I think I’m picking up my mom this weekend from her mom’s. I’ll bring two sets of batteries and go crazy with my camera. Should be beautiful.

I have a sudden craving for jello. Doesn’t jello have some basis in pulverized cartilidge or something, making it one of the worst things a vegetarian could eat? I forget. All I know it’s not that’s not quite a solid and not quite a liquid but tastes damn good regardless of what shape you mold it into. Hmm. Penis molds. …*giggles* Suddenly, I have something to look forward to when I have an apartment. MAKING PENIS JELLO MOLDS!

Whether I fully realize it or feel it, I actually have quite a bit of love in my life. I don’t feel like naming names, but I’m very appreciative to have such a variety of people in my life. People who can help me understand myself better. People I connect with. People I can make happy. People I can just relax with, without needing a real reason. People I’ve known for a number of years. People I can not talk to for a long time, yet pick up like it was yesterday. People who accept me. I’m hardly the loner I used to be. Or convinced myself I was. Identifying with an adjective, it’s something everybody does at some point in their life. Letting go of adjectives seems strange when you realize they don’t fit anymore. Fully embracing the fact that I’m not alone anymore is kind of uplifting.

Things make more sense now. I remember when “everything hurt”. Everything short of “i love you and appreciate and accept you” seemed to hurt. Or so I remember. I bet if I looked through my dated entries and looked at the notes, things which hurt or didn’t make sense then would seem benign or logical now. In a way, it’s important to see the differences, so if I try to help someone else, I don’t cause the same reactions in them. I hated feeling like everyone was out to get me. It’s a horrible feeling.

It’s a journey. What’s important to remember is that many people go through their lives without even going on one. There’s a reason the mid-life crisis exists. Very little remains from the perspective I once had a few years ago. To get behind those funky-colored eyes then. Such hesitation. Such repression. Such fear. How did I live like that? I clung to beliefs about myself, clung to what I thought I needed to be. Even as I learned more about myself, I know I clung like the stubborn person I am until I hit rock bottom.

After talking to Cliff about his own demons, I almost don’t want him to hit rock bottom, as his would undoubtedly need to be worse than mine. I’d go as far as saying that the reason he wanted to help me in the first place was because he saw himself in me. Aye. Aye…

Freeing your mind isn’t an intellectual thing. It’s an introspective thing. As they say in tech support, “The problems on your end”.

On an unrelated topic, I find it amusing how people hold their music so dear. I love music, don’t get me wrong. I just find it amusing when people find their niche and think their niche is the best. Of course, that’s because my music is better than theirs. (Statement made for comedic value. I swear.)

I love when people expose their music to me. (Oh baby.) There’s almost always something I’ve never heard of, or never considered listening to.

After watching Amelie yesterday, I have to say, german is so much better than french. Just. Felt like sharing.

I need to pee. Some things never change.