DateATimmy VIII

It’s taken a long time to learn how to be a spontaneous person. Well, I suppose spontaneous isn’t the right word for it. I like structure. I like plans. But lately, I feel like I’ve been on the run a lot. I don’t really plan my activity with Candi. We just go with whatever the moment strikes us. I suppose I like having a laundry list of things I could do, and then just doing them whenever. But. It’s nice when there’s a box marked on the calendar when you have something to do. It’s nice having something to look forward to, to plan around. It would be nice to have… a date*.

Are you human? If you aren’t, I’m very impressed you can not only navigate the Internets, but read the english language. Are you above the age of reason? Do you, uh, think I’d be cool to hang out with? Do you like dates? If so, you, too, can be eligible to .. win a date with me! Timmy, that is.

Johnny, hit me with that theme music, please!

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Twentieth Century Fox
Presents

The Eighth Annual

Who Wants To Date-A-Timmy Contest

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In eight years of DateATimmy, this marks the first year that I’m actually not single. No, really! I’m not kidding! Seriously! I actually have a girlfriend! There is a vulva-endowed homo sapien who is in a relationship with me! It’s good shit. We’re coming up on our half-year soon. That said, she’s not bisexual, and we don’t have an open relationship. But if you’d like to give her a lap dance, I’d be happy to tip you for it.

So if you were looking to take advantage of my lonely, horny, and single state, you should have tried last year. Or the year before that. And if you DID apply? Uh. I’m sorry? I can only have one winner a year? Moreover, I’m not really an easy lay. Though, I am a cheap date. I digress.

Anyway, how to date me. Simply fill out the application below and email it to me at colonelquack@gmail.com. Same email as the past couple years. I am Mick Diddley Quack! I do not discriminate on the basis of race, height, weight, genitalia (or lack thereof), or any of those big things. If you’re married, dude, I’m in a relationship, too. Wanna double-date? : D If you’re a bible-humper, you should try finding a Date-A-Jesus contest. Moreover, why would any bible-humper be reading a blasphamous person like me?

OFFICIAL DATE-A-TIMMY VIII APPLICATION

Vital Statistics
Handle/Pseudonym:
Real Name:
Genitalia:
Age:
Relationship Status:
Relative Geographic Location:

1. You’re going to a diner. What’s your regular order?

2. A good CD to me is one that you can stick in your car stereo and leave there indefinitely on repeat. You skip nothing, and every song is enjoyable to some level. Name five albums that might fit this description for you.

3. What’s your relationship with cigarettes?

4. How much can you deadlift?

5. We’re going to rent some porn. What would you suggest?

6. Movie marathon. What series or type of film comes to mind for you?

7. Let’s play some word association. Tell me the first things that come to mind when you read these words.

Balls.

Ice Hockey.

Riding crop.

Patrick Stewart.

First-person.

Small.

8. What offends you? Moreover, what offensive things really don’t offend you?

9. Write a short-story involving Jesus, a hardware store, the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE, and lots and lots of ostentatious and needless backflips. Bonus points if you reference Lord of the Rings.

10. As always, why should I date you? Concurrently, why do you want to date me?

Good luck to all our contestants out there at home. Send all applications to colonelquack@gmail.com. Your application should be submitted on or well before April 28, 2009. A winner will be announced May 1st, 2009.

*Disclaimer: A “date” tends to refer to a replanned social event that can be marked visibly on a calendar. This “date” might read “DATE WITH TIMMY” on your calendar, should you win. No purchase necessary, but if you want to buy me more underwear, that would be awesome. I have too much as it is, but I could always use more. Beware of competing date applications. Don’t be fooled, this is the ONLY annual application to date a Timmy. In the event of a tie, there will be a round of strip poker to choose a winner. Upon winning, there will be a six-week intensive TimmyTraining program to prepare you for your DeathMatch with Candi. The winner then is put in a lottery where he or she could WIN a chance to drive by a picture of Timmy placed in a completely illogical location in order to confuse you and make you wonder when you took your pants off. Leveling up your pants quotient is recommended at this point. We are not liable for any sudden cheese puff purchases, though you are more than welcome to share. The first runner-up will be promptly put to death by breast-slapping. Hey, I think your fly is down.

Made you look.