Timmy

April 15, 2007

DateATimmy VI

Once every year, I put out a little survey to see if there’s anybody out there. Somebody that could maybe click with me. Somebody I could maybe have some chemistry with. Somebody with wit and intelligence. Someone to cuddle with and maybe dote upon. Somebody to spend the rest of my days with. Someone .. to date.

Twentieth Century Fox
Presents

The Sixth Annual

Who Wants To Date-A-Timmy Contest

First, some frequently asked questions.

What is Date-A-Timmy?

I thought I answered that.

I thought nobody ever got a date with you.

Technically, last year’s winner got a date with me. Lauren will verify this for me. Plus, I have pictures if nobody believes me. And yes, Poptart’s still angry I haven’t given her a date yet.

I don’t think I’ll win.

Then you shouldn’t bother entering, you puny female. I like chicks with confidence.

Shouldn’t you, you know, tell us something about yourself, so we can be motivated to date you?

Dude, don’t I write enough as it is? Fine, my OkCupid profile is pretty good.

You’d be good for my daughter. …Nevermind, can I date you myself?

Only if you remember all the little things about boys that you’ve learned over the years.

Will you ever bring back Larry for DateATimmy?

Maybe someday. I considered going into the Rhonda character, but it doesn’t feel right yet.

Do you really think you’ll meet your One True Only through some trite dating contest?

It’s worth a shot. It’s always worth it.

Handle/Psuedonym:
Real Name: (Indicate if you don’t want me to use it.)
Genitalia:
Age:
Relationship Status:
Relative Geographic Location:

Timmy is an equal opportunity dater. Your age, sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, and cup size will not be held against you. Come on, wouldn’t it be funny if a lesbian won?

1. How do you feel about foreskins?

2. What are the specifications of your computer? What about your car?

3. I’ve felt self-conscious during fellatio in the past. How, or what would you do to try to get me to relax?

4. What setting do you want to give birth in?

5. Do you consider yourself a top, a bottom, or a switch? Why? In more practical terms, do you like straddling, or being straddled? Why?

6. We’re having a fight, argument, or disagreement. It’s becoming heated or emotional. How do you respond? Let’s suppose I leave the room – how do you respond?

7. Kids are curious. What words will you use for our genitalia?

8. If I wanted to do a Star Trek, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings marathon, would you join me?

9. You find your nose against a boy’s scrotum. What are you doing, and what are you thinking?

10. How do you reconcile the problem of not knowing whether we can be sure of our own senses because they can be flawed? (ie: we could just be a brain in a vat, being fed senses by an evil demon) How can we know anything, believe anything that ever was, if everything we’ve been fed into our brain is a massive lie? Also, mention the primary philosophers involved with this type of problem. If your name is Cliff, limit your response to one paragraph.

11. Describe an awesome #2 experience. Would you share this with your partner? (A recounting, not the actual #2.)

12. How do you see your wedding?

13. When you are single, how often do you masturbate? When in a relationship, how frequently do you engage in sexual activity with your partner(s). How often would you PREFER to be sexual with your partner(s)?

14. We have a date, a casual evening. I ended up feeling like crap and asked if we could not go, wanting to stay in and hang out. How would you feel?

15. What’s the easiest way to turn me on? (Guess.)

16. Let’s play some word association. Tell me the first things that come to mind when you read these words.

Donkey.

Parliament.

Crisco.

Paddle.

Bob Dole.

17. What is your idea of kinky sex that you would enjoy? Do you think this is kinky on an absolute scale?

18. We wake up in the morning and notice that my armpits smell a little. Reaction?

19. We’re engaging in sexual intercourse and I orgasm faster than I anticipate. Reaction?

20. I’m afraid of dying alone. What are you afraid of?

21. Have you ever, or would you, equip yourself with a Feeldoe?

22. Quick, without reference, cite Pi to as many digits as you know. If that’s not a challenge, cite e.

23. Describe the relationship your razor has with your cooter and other body parts.

24. What was the overall pattern to this survey?

25. Why do you want to date a Timmy?

Bonus #1: What’s a question I should have included? Answer it.

Bonus #2: What’s one question you have for me?

Please submit your application to: colonelquack@gmail.com

I would like to announce a winner on May 1st, 2007. I don’t mind late applications, but please have them by April 29th, 2007. That’s an entire two weeks, folks.

Disclaimer: As always, there is no guarantee any ‘date’ will take place. Every year, at least one lurker comes out of the woodwork to try and date me. I wonder who it will be this year. What I bet nobody would guess is that I’ve had a private entry for at least the past ten months, saving potential questions. One year, I didn’t prepare, and I swear, it sucked so badly in my opinion. While a lot of questions are silly, I put thought into them so I could hit some of the basic themes I care about. Relatively speaking. After all, isn’t cooter a funny word? Coooooter. And pecker. Every cooter needs a pecker. It’s funny! Fine, I find it funny. While I’ve kept a similar format for the past couple of years, I try to do something a little different each year, so I’m not just copy/pasting the entry and changing a few things. Oh, the questions I could have asked. I’ve had a DateATimmy with over 50 questions. That was way too much. Wow, I didn’t have a single cunnilingus question. I did include a fellatio question, but that’s rather important. BOYCREAM. I ♥ my boycream. Anyway, DateATimmy. Get those applications to colonelquack@gmail.com ASAP.

Hrm. Whilst I am out of the running simply because I live across the world, it may be fun to come up with ridiculous answers. Laughing is fantastic. I do have one preliminary question for you, however. Why have you felt self-conscious during fellatio?

Right. I shall fill in an application then. It’s like a survey, only better. Woo. Your answer to my question makes perfect sense. It doesn’t necessarily make it any easier for me to answer your #3. Although that may have something to do with the fact that I don’t know you well enough to have worked out your idiosynchrosies in detail, as yet. Either way, I’ll give it a crack! PS. I just masturbated in the shower. It was bizarre, and grand. I was being sneaky, it made it that much more delicous. *grins* How has your day been, lovely?

Tehehe. And I like that I’m perfectly fine dropping bombs like that on conversation. “Oh yeah, I’m boinkers.” [I’m truly not, just insecure, I beg that you don’t think that.] Tehe cunnilingus. Something I’ve never really experienced.

You! Hush about boycream! And manmeat! I’m hungry, and aroused. Never a good combination. Actually, that’s not entirely true, it can be quite good… 22.7kg? Heh, I can barely lift 1kg. My upper body strength is poor. It’s all in my hips and my twisty spine. Ohhh yess. (That will come in handy one day, I’m sure.)

ryn: Yes, yes I would like a boycream sundae. A Candice sundae with boycream would be fantastic. And you’re right about the beastchild. She weighs something like 30kg. Evil.

You make it sound like exercise, what I do. Stop that. As for where I like boycream to go… Let’s just say I adore it, and like it everywhere. *blushes* That sounds horrendously slutty, but oh well. It’s true. On the rare occasion that I get down and dirty with someone, they can do what they want, when they want, where they want. Oh yes, I’m dirty. :/

It’s funny, really. I get so focussed on my partner’s pleasure that I don’t realise exactly how much that in itself is getting me off. Then BAM! Stealth-orgasm. Those ones make me giggle, afterwards. But yes, I’m a pleaser. Or at least, I try to be. There’s something about giving pleasure, that brings its own to my table. Every sound a man makes, brings me one giant step closer to climax, withoutme even being consciously aware of it.

I once dated a guy who would remain flaccid while eating me out. It was delightful, actually. I felt significantly safer. As for myself, well, you’ll see what I was going to say, when you get your e-mail in a bit. 😛

*shrug* I like caressing a sleepy penis, I can’t help it. It’s just lovely. Don’t worry about re-stating things, we all do it. 😛

Pennsyltucky? Pft and depending on where in Jersey you are, it could be as little as an hour away. Oh man boyundies. Now we’re talking about the big leagues. teheh.

You just described one of my favourite evil games. Yes, there is great satisfaction, and power, in waking a penis. To me, though, there is also great power in being able to make someone feel good, through sexual activity, without actually arousing them to the point of erection. It’s a fine line, but I’ve worked it out.

I think you’re the male version of me. What you just described is the best way to turn me on. Minus the balls, of course. The principle is still the same. 😛 Touching my back will make me shiver, like crazy. It’s delicious. I’m one of the most tactile people I know; it annoys even myself. However, I won’t touch someone I’m not romantically interested in.

People seem to think I’m some sort of public rubbing device. Every day, I have to tell someone to back the f’ck off. Oh how I live for the day I tell someone to come closer, and the look on their face… 😀

You have mail. 🙂

You, sir, would get away with touching me. Were you expecting to be snarled at? Sorry to disappoint. 😛

I need a nap. Alas, bedtime is at LEAST 6 hours away. Argh, it’s going to be a long evening.

Ha, yeah, thought you’d like that answer. It seems that this year is a year for learning, for the most part I like it. Some lessons are painful. Thankfully though, it’s worth it. All the learning I’m doing at this point, will enable me to, perhaps if I ever allow myself, have a decent healthy relationship. With *gasp!* a sex life, too. Hrm. Those two have always been mutually exclusive. Actually,that’s a lie. I’ve never been in a ‘healthy’ or decent relationship.

I figured there was a point. If I said otherwise, it was because I lost my own point. I’m also not sure I explained my answer well enough. It’s all relative, really. Whether or not I would follow you out of the room would depend on a few factors. Generally speaking though, I either wouldn’t follow at all. Unless I was particularly worried about your well-being. Eh, what can I say, I’m strange. I’drather torture myself waiting for you to be ready to come back.

Mutually exclusive basically means you can’t have one WITH the other. I’ve never had a healthy relationship and a sex life at the same time. The relationship seems great at first, then once I put out, it becomes about just the sex. The relationship fades, and I’m left spreading my legs just to feel loved. Of course, now that I’m aware of this behaviour, it has stopped. Well, the true test of thatwill be when I get into another relationship, but for now it works, even if only because I keep my distance from men.

Hey, I said kiss didn’t I? Hrm. I can’t be bothered opening my Outlook to raid my answers >.> I know I made a rather mischievous reference to balls, simply because I’ve seen so many pictures of yours over the past few days. I forget what else I said, though. My short-term memory is rather poor. And thanks for the linkage, I shall inspect.

A dead American politician, and vegetable lard… Right. I can’t see that I would have had much of a response to those anyway. Ha.

That wasn’t intended to come across as an accusation. I chose my words poorly, and for that, I apologise. If I didn’t believe that you are geniune, that this is you, I wouldn’t be having these crazy note conversations with you. I was reaching for a question, that was the best I could come up with. I really should learn to revise and edit, huh?

As for smoking… You reminded me, just now, of a fact. I’ve only had one cigarette since I quit. I haven’t even had cravings yet. I’m waiting for them, but if they haven’t come now, then chances are they won’t. How strange.

It seems I read the dates wrong. I thought he died in ’87. Must have been the time he was in office, or something. My bad. Fisting, or pie. Right. I’m sure we have our own equivelant here, but be buggered (pun NOT intended…) if I know what it is. I just had a mental image of cartoon pies fisting each other. I do believe I need more sleep. My eyes hurt.

It’s all good, I probably would have gotten frustrated by my question, too. As I said, I phrased it poorly. Vulnerability isn’t necessarily about secrets. I dunno, some things, I really should think on. Ah well. And of course I’ll nuzzle your lovely balls while you sleep. I’d nuzzle all of you. Cuz I’m awesome like that. *hugs* Good night, dear.

It is obvious, I am just sometimes obtuse. Sending mind-snuggles, again. 🙂 Sweet dreams! x

How about maritial status? Does your equal opportunity dating policy cover that?

This is an extremely impressive application. If I was single I would fill it out even though I’m a mean 6 inches taller than you, approximately. (I’m saying 6 inches because that’s about how much I tower over EVERYBODY.) As it is I have a fantastic guy in my life. But seriously, this was a really great idea! =)

And your faded disclaimer is absolutely wonderful! I can’t get over what a great idea this is! I burst out laughing when you wrote “I ¢¾ my boycream.” I’d be excruciatingly picky with the ladies.