DateATimmy V

Are you tired? Are you lonely? Are you in a relationship but still wonder what else is out there? Have you ever stayed up late at night organizing small balls of twine, wondering if you could have the world’s largest twine collection and maybe get on one of those tourist attraction maps? Are you a pervert? Are you masturbating right now?

Hey, knock that out, this is a family show!

Do you stay up at night, unable to sleep? You know, you should probably get that checked out, insomnia can be bad for your health. Don’t you wish you could scramble eggs from the comfort of your bathtub? If so, tune to channel 67, they have a wonderful product for YOU!

Do you long for a boy who is pale like he’s never been out in the sun? Do you yearn for a scrawny boy you could easily dominate? Do you have a hankering for a white boy? Do you want a boy that is better than most boys on the market? Do you want a boy that’s a demon in the sac? Do you sometimes wish you could have a date? Not any ordinary date, with no ordinary boy. Do you desire a sensitive, patient boy who loves cunnilingus? Do you ever wish you could date a pale, scrawny white boy who is maybe trying to grow some musskulls? Do you ever wonder if you could date.. a Timmy?

.

.

.

.
Twentieth Century Fox
Presents

The Fifth Annual
Who Wants To Date a Timmy Contest

.

It’s that time of year again. Well, aside from the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And Marylicious’s birthday. (Old reader, it’s okay if you don’t know her.)

So you’d like to date a Timmy. (That’s me.)

Wait, do I actually get a date?

Well um. Not entirely. Poptart might damage my testicles if I actually gave someone else a date first. And I like my testicles. Don’t you like my testicles?

Yeah, you have nice testicles. But why should I enter if I don’t get a date?

Because it’s fun! Wouldn’t you like to tell all your friends on teh internets that you WON A DATE WITH TIMMY!!?

You’re rather egoistic. I should just make my own contest.

Yeah? I like myself. It’s a good quality. And go ahead, you wouldn’t be the first I’ve inspired.

You’re digressing. How can I date your fine ass?

Fill out the following application (hopefully with some nice formatting so that it’s easily readable) and send it to colonelquack@gmail.com, and YOU, TOO, can vie to date my fine ass. And the rest of me, too, of course.

In a week’s time (or two, if there’s requests to extend the deadline), I’ll pick a winner.

You actually going to pick a winner this year?

I should be able to, especially if I emphasis the lack of participation last year. I’m always interested in meeting lurkers, or seeing the answers of those I already adore.

Seriously, will there be a date?

..Uhh. *shifts uncomfortably*

Let’s get on with the application!

You didn’t answer my question!

…On with the application!

Name:
Handle:
Genitalia:
Age:
Relationship Status:

1. What do you smell like?

2. What would you say if I wanted to lick your armpits?

3. For whatever reason, we’re living together and you rox0r the kitchen. What will you feed me?

4. We’ve reproduced. What will you feed our growing family?

5. Oh crap, I lost my package in a horrible accident and am no longer interested in sex.

6. How do you feel about body hair on yourself and others?

7. What do you know about attachment parenting?

8. Talk about your body, or its parts, or your organs.

9. Make up a question you think I should have asked, and answer it.

10. Describe gender roles in the context of: you, children, “metrosexuals”.

11. So, hows about them caesarean sections?

12. Hows about them foreskins?

13. Chicken pox?

14. Do you burp? Okay, but do you fart like a champ?

15. Hey. I have at least two fantastic girl names lined up. Mind if you name the boys and I name the girls?

16. Describe kinky sex to me.

17. Would you like a Portuguese Breakfast?

18. Describe your kissing/make-out style.

19. What are your favorite video games?

20. Describe how you’d take care of your bodily functions if we went camping.

21. What would you do if I called you a fatass?

22. Write a story involving Johnny Depp (either as himself or somebody else), White Castle, a ten-pound bowling ball, and running from a hoard of nude females (whose breasts bounce lewdly). Bonus points if you make it coherent and also include a scene from Fight Club, and/or have Johnny Depp be Weird Al.

23. You’re about to do me in the butt. What music would you play? Is this somehow different from what you “normally” listen to?

24. If you were to date me in some regard, what’s five (or more) expectations you’d have of me? (Whether it be based on what you know about me, or simply what you like in dating people.)

25. What is intimacy?

26. You’re going to give me a pet nickname, either for endearment, or for bedroom use. What would it be? Oh, and what would my nickname for you be?

27. Open prompt: Why should I date you?

Send all applications and tokens of admiration to: colonelquack@gmail.com

Ideally, I’d like the application window to be around two weeks, so let’s try to get them in by April 28th. I will announce a winner on May 1st.

Disclaimer: “Name” referred to your street-name, or common nickname. “Handle” refers to an online alias I would otherwise know you ass, either your OD name or your LJ name. There is no guaranteed “date”. The “winner” is a winner in spirit, and gets to gloat about Timmy picking her (or him). Timmy does not discriminate on the basis of race, genitalia, age, relationship status, or body hair. Scientologists are strongly discouraged from entering. Those in a relationship are strongly encouraged to discuss the possibility of dating Timmy with their respective partners. Please remember to pull your panties down when you pee, otherwise you’ll piss all over your panties! Then you’ll have to wash them, and nobody likes urine-soaked panties. Unless you’re some kind of urine-freak who enjoys buying urine-soaked panties from small asian girls across the world. Hey, want to make some spare cash? Sell your panties online. There are lot of freaks out there. What? Hey, don’t look at me! I don’t want urine-soaked panties. I want only masturbation-fresh panties. (Panties are sexier than thongs.) What kind of freak are you to think I like urine-soaked panties? I love panties in their non-urine-soaked state. Especially when I’m walking behind a girl while we’re walking up a flight of stairs and I can see her panty-lines through her jeans. It’slike seeing her PANTIES even though she has pants on. And her panties are touching her VULVA, so seeing her panties is really like LICKING HER VULVA. And we all know how much I love licking vulva. Void where prohibited. No purchase necessary. No animals were harmed in the making of his contest. Bribery will not increase your chances of winning, but any donations of feminine photography can be sent to colonelquack@gmail.com. Please do not remove the tag on your mattress or the mattress police will come and get you. Thank you for your interest in DateATimmy V. Please enter. ..Please? Hell, create your own and cite me! It’s only copyright infringement if your name is Timmy. I don’t really know any other Timmys. And sadly, the ones I’ve met haven’t been all that redeeming. I actually have a really nice penis, unconsented circumcision aside. And a fine ass. And a sparkling personality and all that good stuff. So stop reading this ostentatious disclaimer and fill out your application to date my fine ass today!