DateATimmy IV

I wasn’t always lonely like this. It was only six years ago that I had my first crush. It was right around this time of year, fittingly. Before that, I didn’t know loneliness. Not that I knew loneliness afterwards. After Angel, I longed for her. But, that’s a specific longing. No, the loneliness I speak of now is very general. A desire for female affection, female attention. It can be instantiated by different girls, yes. But I articulate it as just wanting somebody, anybody.

That’s right people, I’m single. I’m a single piece of hot manmeat. Which can only mean it’s time for…

The

Fourth Annual

Who Wants To Date-A-Timmy Contest

*theme music plays*

What is Date-A-Timmy?

Date-A-Timmy is your chance to give yourself a larger penis with the power of the internet! If you manage a date with Timmy, all the guys will think you’re a hot bitch. Because only hot bitches date Timmy.

Ahem.

DateATimmy started a spoof of Fox’s “Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire”. While it started entirely in jest, I’ve kept it around because it’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. As this is year four, I’m taking the application much more seriously. I ask myself “What do I want in a girl?” and try to augment my questions to actually test something. Simultaneously, I want the ladies (and bold men) to attempt the application to be entertained. After all, I’d be lost without my sense of humor.

How do I enter DateATimmy?

Fill out the proceeding application as best you see fit and email it to TimmyFromOD@gmail.com If you have any of my other emails, forget that you know them. Send them only to TimmyFromOD@gmail so I can keep everything on one place. Thank you.

Do I get a date with any Timmy, or the Timmy?

My name is Timmy. Accept no substitutes. Though, it would be nice if I had more of me around. I could send myself for pizza! I could be my own best friend!

Are you fucking shitting me? Nobody has ever gotten a date with you, anyway.

Yeah, so? Can’t we all have a little fun?

Will you marry me?

Kind of hard for me to marry the voice in my head that is conceptualizing what people will be asking about DateATimmy.

Good point.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Are you really that lonely?

Let’s not get into that, I had to write something for an opening.

Application to Date-A-Timmy

Timmy is an equal opportunity dater. Your age, sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, and cup size will not be held against you. Well, religion might, but let’s not get into that.

Psuedonym:

Real name:

Sex:

Age:

Relative Geographic Location:

1. Explain a time you thought you were brilliant.

2. Name some bad habits you have. Why do you think they’re bad?

3. Name some good habits. Why do you think they’re good?

4. How do you feel about your body?

5. Have you or would you ever have an abortion? I’m not talking about whether you’re philosophically “pro-life” or “pro-choice”, I’m talking about whether YOU can ever see a situation where you’d go through said procedure.

6. Name all substances you’ve experimented with. Under what circumstances did you do these things, and how did you feel afterwards? (For this purposes of DateATimmy, I’m referring to anything that alters your state of mind, which spans everything from alcohol and cigarettes to heroin and caffeine.)

7. Explain how you’ve grown as a person at some point in your life.

8. You’ve decided to be social. Explain how you’d go about doing this.

9. How fucked up are your parents?

10. No, seriously. Everybody has fucked up parents.

11. Get along with them at all?

12. How do you think they fucked you up?

13. Can you appreciate my natural MANMUSK?

14. How do you feel about ye olde foreskin?

15. You’re angered and have gone past the point of rationality. You’ve decided to kill somebody. How will you go about doing so?

16. So, you like tacos?

17. What about birch beer?

18. How badly do you rate your ex-boyfriends sexual performance?

19. Name ten Metallica songs. Fast.

20. Write a poem starting with the line, “Masochistic ocean”.

21. Write a story involving a “1985 Chevy Celebrity”, a “group of fucked up douchebags”, and “the girl that got away”.

22. Now that you’re warmed up, write a story that includes “throbbing Daniel carrot”, “sluts of WalMart”, and “thumbtacks”.

23. What is your experience and/or feelings in relation to the prostate?

24. You’re attempting to seduce Timmy. How would you attempt to do so?

25. Make me dinner, wench. What do you make?

26. It’s the next day and I want something different. What do you make?

27. It’s the day after that and I want you to make me more grub. What do you make?

28. You think it’s my turn to cook. What would you ask me to make?

29. How do you think you’ll get Timmy to open up to you?

30. My friends and I are being weird and you want to out-weird us. How in the world would you do such a thing?

31. Timmy has done something stupid. So clearly stupid that he feels bad about it. How do you react?

32. Let’s fuck in your parent’s bed.

33. Say something positive about Republicans.

34. What is the “right” reason to have children? The option to deny the question and claim there is no right reason is not an option.

35. Assuming all parents psychologically damage their children in some way, what is the best way to damage your children?

36. Write a poem starting with the line, “Money make the fun go happy.”

37. Tell me a story that includes, “Arnold”, “cocksock”, “minimally exceptional”, and “blue raspberry soda”.

38. I think one more. How about, “Timmy”, “Erik”, “Dan”, “Cliff”, “Chi-Chi’s”, “one side order of rice”, “32 ounces of pure soda”, “minors”, “karaoke”, “47 cents”, “negative bonus”, “Canadia”, “bitches and hoes”, “Hey, how you doin`?“, and “the cursed intersection”.

39. Who do you think you are? Consider how you see yourself.

40. Who do you think you are? Consider how other people see you.

41. Isn’t it a bitch trying to tell people who you are? Yeah. What do you want to do with yourself in the future? If not that, who do you want to be?

42. The meaning of life.

43. You’re going to make me a mix, to give me a taste of your style of music. You want it to be varied; not necessarily obscure, but you’re not going to avoid mainstream either. Name twenty or so songs.

44. What is a normal relationship?

45. Ever have one of those?

46. Why do you want to Date-A-Timmy?

47. Why should I consider a date with you?

48. What’s Plan A for this date?

49. What about Plan B?

50. Anything else you’d like to add that might sway me in your favor? Anything at all.

51. Thanks for playing. Do you think you’ll win?

Send application to: TimmyFromOD@gmail.com

I’ll say that I’ll “stop” accepting applications around April 30th. But, whatever. I personally can’t make any promises about when I’ll announce a winner. I will get around to it.

Disclaimer: It’s been an emotional weekend, and I’m sincerely sorry that I didn’t get this out on time. I, myself, have been looking forward to posting this for at least the past half-year. Yet these past few weeks, I’ve been so uncharacteristically busy. Also, I haven’t bothered spell-checking this, so don’t bitch at me. I know what’s spelled wrong.