Conclusion to DateATimmy VII, Part I

As is tradition with DateATimmy, I like going through all the answers and picking out the best ones. This helps me solidify in my mind who had the overall best application. I don’t have an official scoring system, as if I did, Cliff would win every year due to his awesomeness. And come on, all you girls should be insulted and ashamed if a heterosexual MALE beats you at a DateATimmy contest!

Answers are posted in the order I received them, more or less, so naturally [Pilgrim]’s answers are first, as she was the first to respond. (Hey, shows a want to date me, since she got in first.)

Can the ladies size up to Cliff? Let’s find out!

1. Asking you what you can offer me is a bit of a mixed bag, as we can sometimes offer things we never knew. Instead, tell me what YOU need out of your partner.

[Pilgrim]: I need a partner that listens when I talk, not just waits for his turn to talk; a partner who can freely express himself, make his own decisions and not wait for me to decide everything. Really, that’s too much pressure. I need a partner who is comfortable with intimacy, not just sexual, but also emotional. Also, I need a partner who can cook.

[Babyslime]: The ability to have nothing to do with that ‘be a man’ machismo. Machismo and male ego is a huge turnoff for me. If you can sleep with a purple unicorn blanket and cry at a movie, I love you. Plain and simple.
This lack of machismo also includes being a general sweetie, cuddling, lots of no-strings-attached touching, the ability to make-out.
Also: ability to be a loving, caring, open-minded and fun father.

Alison: Understanding, reliability (is that a word?), trust, open communication/honesty, lightheartedness to some extent (I can’t take too much seriousness from anyone about anything, not in terms of commitment or the state of a relationship, just…I think you understand what I mean).

My thoughts: Hard one, even for myself. I need oodles of affection and attention. I need someone who is emotionally sensitive to me, patient, but will communicate with me in a direct manner. I’m not a mind-reader.

2. Tell me something that annoys you.

Julie: When guys treat me like I am some suicidal, overly sensitive whiny girl that cannot handle the truth. At first I thought that maybe I was coming across as such but as time went on, I realized that the guys in my past were just bitches that would rather run and hide from the truth. I speak my mind and I expect the same with someone I feel close to.

Cliff: People who, instead of altering their own behavior, attempt to alter the structure of their world as a whole to accomodate themselves. … Yadda yadda. You get it. I hate people who refuse to face up to who they are. Unfortunately, this is most people. But I also am annoyed by misanthrope’s who blindly condemn all of humanity despite conflicting empirical evidence (on the most basic level, themselves).

Samie: When people take everything too seriously. I am absolutely unable to be serious for more than 5 minutes at a time, haha. I like to laugh. Even in a serious situation, I will say something silly or make a face or something like that, because it just makes me feel better. I don’t enjoy tension.

My thoughts: I am annoyed by people who are assholes, and then act like other people shouldn’t be assholes. Being an asshole is fine. Revel in your assholeishness. Own it. But to then chastize others for being an asshole, as if we should hold ourselves to the code of conduct that you reject, is the definition of a hypocrite. Fuckers.

3. Will you encourage your daughters to shave their legs? Armpits? Vulva?

[Window]: Oh HELL NO. I will support her if she does want to shave. I know firsthand how hard it is to go against what the patriarchy has instilled into us, and we, as a whole, have internalized these patronizing, inferior ideals through many generations. It will be something we talk about at length.

Alison: No, I’ll let them do what they want (if I have any daughters). They’ll probably be influenced to do such things by other girls and will do them just for that reason, but I won’t encourage it. I’ll just let them live and learn for themselves and leave anything and everything open for discussion at any time. When they’re a bit older and past the whole “I have to be like all the other little girls!” thing, I’ll talk to them about it and explain that not all girls shave and that it isn’t necessary. Whatever they choose to do to their bodies is up to them, though.

My thoughts: Girls grow hair in all the places boys grow hair. It’s true! Girls grow pubic hair, leg hair, arm hair, pithair. I’d raise my girls to celebrate their bodies as they naturally are. If they become interested in The Razor, I wouldn’t hold them back, as there’s nothing worse than someone rebelling in favor of stupidity simply for the sake of rebellion.

4. It’s Friday night and you want to hang out with me. Describe what we’d end up doing.

Cliff: You know very well what we’d end up doing. Video games, movies, bullshitting-and optional bullshitting over restaurant. I may have found some other bad movie for us to watch.

Samie: Whatever we feel like doing, duhhh. Honestly. Hanging out with other people, staying in and watching movies [with cuddles, for sure,] going out for a drive to nowhere, having sex all night, whatever. As long as I’m with the one I care about, all is well with the world.

Bexxy: Either playing videos games and eating food, or watching a hilariously bad movie and eating food.

My thoughts: I’m typically pretty low-key. The less pressure and more informal, the better.

5. I’m feeling sad because my penis is circumcised. What do you do/say?

[Window]: I’m sorry that happened to you. Be assured that telling your story has impacted many infant foreskins, my son’s included – he is intact because of a seed that your story planted in my mind. You have changed lives because you shared your pain with others. It’s okay to be upset about it and if you want to tell me more about your feelings, I’ll be listening.

Cliff: You have your tugger and the knowledge your child will not be circumcised. Don’t regret what was neither in your control then, nor could be now. Either that or study advanced physics and work on time travel.

Ruth: Well, first off, I think I’d be quite curious as I’ve never examined a circumcised penis before so I’d insist on looking/playing with it, and then tell you it’s cool. I think all penis’s are cool whether circumcised or not, but I’d probably make you remember all the stuff you’re doing to give yourself a foreskin and tell you how amazing that is and hope that it cheered you up. If all else fails then I guess I’d tell you that I worshipped your penis – I think that would make any man, circumcised or not, smile and be happy!! 🙂

My thoughts: An iota of sympathy and an open ear are required. Also, dude, I AM growing a new penis. That’s pretty awesome.

6. We’re going on a roadtrip. With our kids. They need tobe indoctrinated with music. What five albums would you bring?

Niki: Dark Side of the Moon, American Idiot, Mothership, Blood Sugar Sex Magik, annnnnd Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits Volume II.

Ruth: Hard one! Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt, Are A Drag by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Adore by Smashing Pumpkins, Renegades by Rage Against The Machine and Let’s Get Free by Dead Prez.

Bexxy: 1. The Beatles – Number Ones. Can’t beat the classics
2. Green Day – Dookie
3. Hanson – Middle of Nowhere. I still can’t get enough Hanson
4. Josh Groban – Awake. It’s important to appreciate good vocals. *nods*
5. Pearl Jam – Ten

My thoughts: I wasn’t expecting a girl to have my own selection, but hey, I naturally think my own tastes in music are the best. My albums of choice as of this writing:

Live – Throwing Copper
ABBA – Gold
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Chronicle I
Led Zeppelin – Physical Graffiti
Metallica – …And Justice For All

7. Describe your ideal thanksgiving.

[Babyslime]: Quietly, at home, nice food at a table. I don’t care if it’s turkey or tofu.

Cliff: Lowkey. Food. Video games. Relaxation. Possible sex/cuddles. Really not much different than any other good day.

Niki: Eating in – five cans of cranberry sauce and instant mashed potatoes.

Bexxy: I still love doing the turkey and mashed potatoes, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all of my years, it’s that pressure on a holiday is not fun at all. Taking it easy is supposed to be the point. They’re meant to be enjoyable. If that means PB&J on Thanksgiving, then so be it.

My thoughts: For real, I love cranberry sauce. Though, I’ll never forget the year we had tacos for Thanksgiving. That was just so awesome. The less family, the better. Less tradition, more eating whatever strikes your fancy.

8. When single, how frequently do you masturbate? (Concurrently, if you’re multi-orgasmic, how many orgasms would you have per session?)

Alison: Hard to say. Usually every day or every other day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes way less. I usually orgasm at least twice per session. Sometimes I have marathon sessions where I just go for long periods of time without keeping track of orgasms. There have been days where I’ve masturbated for hours at a time and accomplished (are orgasms accomplishments?) little more than that. I usually feel like I have way too much time on my hands after such days, but, what can I say…I love masturbation.

Angie: I would say…3 or 4 times a week, depending on my stress levels.

My thoughts: Hard to chastize a girl for her masturbation frequency. It is very pleasing that all applicants masturbate. I know maybe one girl who doesn’t masturbate, and she’s catholic. Won’t ever convince me of that garbage that girls don’t like masturbating. CUZ THEY DO.

9. We’re showering together and I pee on you. (Probably your leg.) What do you do?

Cliff: Laugh. Pee on yours. Wonder what precipitated our showering together.

Niki: Push you over and pee on YOU (Eye for an eye, right?).

My thoughts: I was specifically looking for girls who would return fire.

10. What’s your relationship with cigarettes?

[Babyslime]: I unapologetically hate smokers. Period.

Cliff: Death to cigarettes! Normally I’d say if a person smokes, but they were otherwise acceptable, I could date them; but I believe the desire and continued activity of smoking involves certain personality traits and beliefs which I find abhorrent; therefore, no smokers. People who are trying to quit consistently are different, but their lack of wilpower disturbs and disgusts me. maybe. Maybe not.

Alison: I absolutely hate them. Hate them. I can’t express in words how much I hate them. If I think about this for too long I will get seriously angry.

My thoughts: SMOKERS ARE JOKERS.

11. What makes a good video game?

Cliff: Several elements; lack of linearity is important. You need the ability to wander around aimlessly, repeat levels ad nauseum, etc. Go to the last town in the game before you finish the first. Spend hours acquiring money to get the Lode sword from malchior before you leave the millenium fair, etc. The game also needs a camp value. You need to be able to laugh at it. However, some games try so hard to be dramatic and serious that it fails-this also works. Like the first Drakengard. Beautiful example of a good game-total lack of plot linearity (or even story consistency or meaning), solid basic gameplay engine which isn’t overly complicated (an important element). Many games try to do too much and only succeed in rendering themselves unplayable. Tried and true interfaces (like in drakengard’s hack and slash, ala dynasty warriors, samurai warriors, warriors orochi, etc and any menu based rpg) are almost always preferable to experimental ones. Although dance dance drakengard was amusing on one level, it would not have been so had they done it more than once-or even earlier in the game. It needed to be the last level. “WTF? *laughter ensues*” Amusing characters are a plus, but not necessary. But it was really the characters of drakengard which made it such a great game-endless laughter. The game requires replay value-you don’t want to feel like you’re just playing it to get to the end of it. You wa really good game, you’ll also feel like the end sort of ties things up-not too many loose ends-or the end is totally inappropriate, which sometimes can be better (giant babies fall from the sky!).

Alison: A basic story is necessary (obviously. It has to be pretty simple, though, or else I lose interest). It has to be challenging, but fun enough to make me want to keep playing without getting frustrated. I like Sonic the Hedgehog. Sega Genesis is awesome. I really miss my NES. Super Mario Bros. 3 is the best video game. Ever.

Megan: If you have fun playing it. The graphics might be shit and things along that line, but as long as you have a hell of a time playing the game and enjoy playing it, then i think that makes a good video game.

My thoughts: On second thought, I have no idea how to look at this question.

12. What do you put on your pizza?

Julie: Pepperoni. Simple girl.

[Window]: Oh just pepperoni. I’m average when it comes to pizza.

Megan: I *always* get pepperoni. I’m very picky about what i eat, and I’m often a very plain eater, so it’s usually pepperoni.

Bexxy: Pretty much anything, except green bell peppers or anchovies. I like pizza with a lot of meat.

My thoughts: Pizza compatibility.

13. Tell me what your favorite body parts are and describe them. (On yourself, and your partner.)

Julie: I love how soft my hands are.
I love my eyes, boobs and lips.
My eyes are this crazy mix of green/brown/blue and depending on my mood and the weather, they change colors.
My boobs aren’t perfect but they are full and make awesome cleavage that turns heads whether I like it or not. I used to be embarrassed by my little pink nipples but they are what I was given and they are kind of cute 😀
My lips are pouty in the middle but thin out on the sides. They are soft and kissable!

On guys, I love nice hands/forearms. I love that one vein that pokes out on the forearm. *swoon*.
I have a thing for broad shoulders too. But the main thing would be smile and eyes. If I can feel myself being drawn in by his eyes and intoxicated by his voice and mouth, I’m done.

Angie: I’ve always liked my legs. I think they’re well-shaped and others have told me the same, so it’s something I take pride in, I guess.

On my partner…I believe the upper body in general. I like to feel secure when I’m being held, not like I’m going to break them or anything. The bootaaaaay is another thing. Give me a guy with a nice ass, I’ll be happy forever. I love holding on to a guy’s ass, its such a big turn on for me.

My thoughts: Another question I’m not sure how to rate.

14. What’s your geekiest/nerdiest past-time?

Julie: Ohh god. Like any other 14 year old girl in 1996, I fell hard for ‘Hanson’. So hard that I plastered my walls and books and musical collection with anything that had to do with them. I also had these weekend get-togethers with a few friends that were crazy and loud and totally dorky! My mother managed to take pictures of the evidence and likes to show my boyfriends and friends to try and embarrass me but I think it’s pretty funny now.

Cliff: I’d say Video games. Or reading philosophy books. Or being a philosophy major. Or teaching myself math, slowly. I think I’m pretty much the arch-nerd. Not much of a geek though. Keep your larping ass away from me.

My thoughts: I see there’s no Star Trek nerds waving their nerd-flag.

15. What is one (or more) extraordinary reason that I, the great Timmy™, should want to date YOU, puny female?

[Pilgrim]: I am intelligent, humorous, witty, well read, playful and silly. Most importantly, I am not puny.

Julie: Because I guarantee that the time you spend with me would be a life changing experience for you, Timmy!
I am the total package for you with my soft, cuddly body and tantalizing lips and boobs along with my bubbly personality all wrapped up together in a blanket of laughter.
I assure you that you have never met a girl like me nor could you easily forget me.
I come with no strings attached and simple expectations.
There would be no awkward silences or boring moments.
Basically, I am sweet as sugar and full of surprises.

[Babyslime]: I have a very comfortable uterus.

Alison: I will cuddle you like you’ve never been cuddled. Okay, maybe not, but I’m a damn good cuddler. Also, I will have long, in depth conversations with you about genitals and masturbation. Can you resist that? Hm, hm?

Megan: Once you go black you never go back…that’s pretty all i got. 😀

Angie: I’m Peruvian. Do you really need another reason?

My thoughts: One, I admire girls who recognize their lack of puniness. Two, I admire Julie’s confidence. Three, [Babyslime] and I have a running joke about me retiring to her uterus. Three, I’m a sucker for good cuddles. Four, I love that joke. And five, that’s a good reason.

A winner?

I have one. I also have two runner ups.

They will be announced, as I said, May 1st. Excuse me, I’ll go pass out. I stayed up far too late doing this paperwork. Takes a lot of effort to judge a contest!