Conclusion to DateATimmy V.

See original entry.

Profuse apologies for the delay. It’s been long since I said I’d have an entry up. I’ve been.. I haven’t been in the best of spirits. That and it’s a large undertaking to write this. To sit down and look through applications. Then I remind myself, “Dude, you don’t even need to write something that long.” (After writing this, there’s only about a thousand characters left.) I could just name a winner, without rationalization.

Hey, I did it to BIGGAYDAN, once. (DateATimmy II)

But in form, I’ll go through the questions one-by-one. Unless I missed somebody, there’s thirteen applications in all. Real names are withheld because well, because I said so! I giggle at the various responses I received for genitalia, including:

• cupcake
• female.. that means vagina, clitoris, vulva, etc.
• of the female variety
• Vagina… a nice one at that
• beautiful and feminine
• I <3 my vagina.
• Taco
• Inverse of a penis
• Double set of lips

No males entered, much to my disappointment. Oh well, genitalia is just so I know who I’m dealing with. Ages range from 17 to 38 (I’m not saying who’s what age!) Anyway, let’s take a look at some noteable answers.

1. What do you smell like?

• right now I smell like punani..I had a quick diddle earlier.
• You mean before or after I shower? Before I shower, unfortunately, mildly of stale urine and sweat. The urine because my children’s diapers sometimes leak through. Gross I know.
  After a shower, I smell like Dove Body wash, a sort of powdery smell, along with baby powder and secret fresh scent applied in appropriate places. I use Pantene shampoo/conditioner and hair smells nice too. I do no use perfumes or other scents except on very rare occasion because I have a sensitive nose and overpowering scents cause me to gag.

2. What would you say if I wanted to lick your armpits?

• Whatever floats your boat! Let me wash the deodorant off first, okay?
• “how does it taste? You like that… salty enough for you…. mmm dirty Timmy!”
• I suppose we could try it. My knee-jerk (…arm-jerk?) reaction when people go for my armpits is to clench my arms to my sides, but I’d try really hard not to hurt you.
• It’s up to you! Do YOU want to risk the taste sweaty pits?
• Are you sure you want to given that I don’t shave them during the winter? 😉

3. For whatever reason, we’re living together and you rox0r the kitchen. What will you feed me?

• I make a fantastic burger, so probably that. Most likely, I would ask you what you wanted. I can cook pretty much anything.
• The juice from my freshly squeezed vagina. (Was that what you meant?)
• Besides your shoe if you say “rox0r” to me? I make a good meatloaf.

4. We’ve reproduced. What will you feed our growing family?

• Breastmilk… I got lots of it, you wanna taste? Mine tastes like the sugary milk that’s left in the bowl after the cereal is gone.

  I also make my own baby food from sweet potatoes, avocados, pears, peaches, prunes, bananas, apples, etc. And in the summer I go to the local farm and get fresh, organic veggies for us. You want a burger – you can have that too. I try and get a balanced meal together for dinner. I like cooking and I try and make a new dish once a week. This week I’m going to make my own tomato sauce with tomatoes, hot Italian sausage, fresh basil, garlic and peppers. I’ll let you know how it works out.

• Mostly healthy food or healthy-ish (like meatloaf or barbeque), with the occasional junk food binge. Kids aren’t happy if you try raising them without junk food, the neighbors I grew up with were good examples of that, but I liked seeing a family eating healthy. My family mostly eats meat, I keep meaning to learn how to make pasta dishes and such. I’m starting to ramble.

5. Oh crap, I lost my package in a horrible accident and am no longer interested in sex.

• Oh well. You will always want to cuddle and be caressed. And plus, your juicy cock is just a bonus.
• Okay. There’s plenty to talk about and I can certainly pleasure myself, with or without you knowing/watching me.
• I am SO sorry. You can however watch me while I sexually gratify myself. Maybe it will get you interested again. I shall however massage your prostate still since it is said to stave off cancer. I know you will enjoy it anyways.
• Did you lose your tongue in the same accident?
• What constitutes as sex? Will you still want to use your tongue? Will you want to take it up the arse? Do you enjoy Boggle? Hey, we’ll make it work.
• Oh thank god. I hate sex with a passion. Now maybe we can just cuddle for a change. I love to cuddle and hug and kiss.
• That’s okay, I’ve got a vibrator.
• Oh Lord, HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! I’d divorce you so fast your head would spin.

  (In all honesty you know the above answer is full of shit. I’d probably hand you a nice pink toy and tell you to get to work. Love doesn’t mean sex…love means loving.)

6. How do you feel about body hair on yourself and others?

• I didn’t used to like it, but I do now.
• I’m slowly liking it (on myself). I still don’t like it enough to grow out my armpit hair… but hair on others is okay… as long as it’s “kept”
• Given I refuse to shave during the winter, it really doesn’t bother me. I mean, it’s there for some reason, isn’t it?
• Okay, I don’t, you know, do the whole waxing of my private parts. The idea of sprawling nekkid on a table in a salon with some sadistic lady standing over my private parts with hot wax makes me want to vomit. Overly hairy men are not attractive to me. Normal hair is cool. Unless it’s back hair, then all bets are off. Sasquatch.
• I like it to an extent. I think the whole gorilla look is a major turnoff. If it’s not long enough for me to run my fingers through (shudders) it’s okay. On myself, I have been known to let my body hair grow out and keep it that way for extended periods of time. Sadly, it eventually winds up getting shorn due to a lover’s distaste. The one exception is pubic hair…I can’t stand mine. Once it gets half an inch long, out comes the trimmer. If waxing weren’t so painful, I’d probably do it.

7. What do you know about attachment parenting?

• Enough to know that that is probably how I would raise my kids, not even knowing that it had a name.
• A lot. When my daughter was born I read “The Baby Book” by Dr Sears which is all about attachment parenting. I also get “Mothering” magazine, which is more about natural parenting but it incorporates attachment parenting as well. I practice attachment parenting. We still co-sleep, breastfeed, I listen and respond to my child’s cues (aka No crying it out for us). I respect my child’s needs and respond appropriately. I parent from my heart.
• Isn’t that basically just being a good parent? I seem to recall that’s pretty much just bonding with your baby so it grows in a loving family and such. Smothering your child with attention is bad, but you shouldn’t ignore them or treat them like a potted plant either.
• It roxzors, as long as people don’t use it to say “Oh look at me, I’ve breastfed for ten years straight, I’m better than you!”
• Just about everything. *snuggles my son*

8. Talk about your body, or its parts, or your organs.

• My body is soft, and girly. My arm pits and pussy are furry. I have little feet and little hands. I am 5’4. 36 C. My cupcake is very tight. I have scattered beauty marks on my arms and chest and stomach, a few on my cheeks and neck, legs, and two that are exactly the same, little twin beauty marks on my lower back. I am extremely flexible.
• I’m still carrying around some baby weight. This gets me down sometimes, between the stretch marks, sagging skin on my stomach, still wide hips – I feel like my body transformed itself. Wait, it DID transform itself so I could birth a baby. I just have to look at her to know it’s all worth it. We’ve been walking when the weather is nice so hopefully I’ll drop a few pounds.

  I liked my curvy look before I got pregnant. I wasn’t overweight, I wasn’t underweight. By societies standards I would still be considered bigger since I was a size 10, but I had curves, my waist, my hips, my chest, my legs. I would like to get that body back and I know with time I will. (I’m really not that far away from it)

  I don’t want to “accept” myself because if I do, then maybe I won’t change. I want to change but at my own pace.

  When I’m in the shower, washing my girl parts I feel the part of me that tore when I gave birth. I had stitches and it has since healed, but when I run my finger over the line I feel a dull pain. I don’t know if this will ever go away. It’s a weird bitter-sweet feeling that I can actually feel inside of my chest. My body is forever changed, I will always be a mother.

• I have a vagina. I try to keep it clean. It doesn’t like being shaven. I have some breasts, they’re pretty nice, but bras don’t seem to like them. I have a whole slew of other organs that I don’t know as much about, but they seem to work pretty well, and I appreciate that about them.
• My appetite’s grown, so I gained about 30lbs in two years due to eating more and not exercising enough. Despite not being able to fit into my favorite miniskirt anymore, I’ve managed to like myself more now than when I was skinnier, probably because I have more friends now who also like how I look. I didn’t have many friends at all two years ago, so I wasn’t receiving as much positive input about my looks. It’s not so much that I care what other people think of me and start to hate myself if it seems everyone else does, I simply enjoy compliments, and feel better when I receive them. I’d like to lose around 10lbs just so I feel healthier, but I’m no longer insisting I lose the entire 30lbs I gained. Baby steps, I’ll see how I like myself every few pounds. I’ve already managed to lose four, and I’m not even sure how, but that makes me happy. I don’t want to be like my mother, I want to love myself no matter what I look like, and I want to know I’m willing to lose weight naturally instead of trying pills and patches.
• My spine is a bit crooked, some places on me are pierced, my feet have really nice arches, my hair is amazingly soft and all natural, my breasts are palm sized and perfect for holding ever so tenderly, I have very large hands and long fingers, my hips are wide and perfect for birthing, my cervix and lungs are in great condition, AAAANNNNDDDD I might have some viruses here or there in the system but they aren’t so bad.
• I like my body. I’ve always been comfortable with it to a fault. I like being naked, and it sucks that this can’t happen more often, since I have a roommate. I think I had a very attractive body pre-childbirth. It’s still a very attractive body, only the tummy sags more and the boobs are kind of deflated. But that’s okay.

(Phew.)

9. Make up a question you think I should have asked, and answer it.

• “Do you like my day in the life of entries?” Yes. I especially love it when you take pictures in the mirror posing. Hee hee.
• How many sexual toys do you own? I own a huge bag full..somewhere around 15 ranging from handcuffs to vibrators. They are my salvation during my single status.
• What are your thoughts on health/exercise/diet?
  I think exercise is important though I probably don’t do enough of it. I walk everywhere I can though. I love walking. I try to eat healthy, organic things… I avoid chips and sugary drinks and fast food. I hate soda. I think shampoo is stupid because if anyone tried no poo for half a year they’d see how great it is and never want to switch back. I think most prescription drugs are unnecessary (I acquired this opinion from personal experience.) Messing with your body’s chemistry is more dangerous than people think. Your body is your temple!! Huzzah.
• Q: How many lovers have you had? How many of them would you consider one-night-stands, brief flings, fuck buddies, or serious relationships?

  A: Twenty-three. Five one-nighters, nine flings, two buddies, and seven relationships. Whenever people ask, though, I just say, “More than I can count on my fingers and toes,” and their eyes get all big. Geez, it’s not THAT many.

10. Describe gender roles in the context of: you, children, “metrosexuals”.

• I guess I’d like to think all things are equal, but that within the context of a relationship, couples need to define with each other what they want their role to be and what they would like the other persons role to be, and then find some form of middle ground to accomplish that.
  Children are small adults. They need a lot of good examples, and they need a lot of love, and they need to be respected as the individuals they are with out letting them turn into little brats who think they run the world. A fine line indeed.
  Metrosexual, heterosexual, homosexual: who cares? We’re all just people when it comes down to it. Everyone has their own style and it should be respected. If it’s something you can’t live with, that’s fine, but don’t expect others to change to suit your whims just because you don’t like it. (I’m speaking a general you, not you specifically).
• Gender roles suck. If you want to do or say or dress or act a certain way, regardless of your gender, then go for it. I’m particularly pissed off about it right now because my husband throws a fit if he sees our son wearing my jewelry or playing with dolls. I asked him if he would get upset if we had a daughter and he saw her playing with a football or a dump truck, but all he could say was, “That’s different.” There’s gender roles for ya! I hate that our society is so paranoid about itself that we can’t feel free to embrace both our masculine and feminine sides for fear of judgement.

(For the record, I think “metrosexual” is an unnecessary construct which reinforces the notion that any male who exhibits feminine/homosexual qualities is somehow “different” from the rest of the male archetype.)

11. So, hows about them caesarean sections?

• Oh, they’re CRAP! I mean, for the like 5% of the women who actually NEED them – they’re GREAT! BUT they are abused in our society, by women and their doctors. Birth can be such an empowering experience for the mother and SO MANY people MISS that because they’re told its too hard to push a baby out or its too painful. Too many doctors are performing c-sections when they’re unnecessary and telling the women that it’s saving their baby’s life when it’s absolutely untrue.
• Doctors should forget they exist unless it is a dire emergency. People should educate themselves and try to avoid one at all costs. I ABHOR hearing stories about how a woman wasn’t “progressing” and the doc had to get home in time for dinner and thus sliced her open and caused unneccesary stress on baby AND mother. GRRR!
• Only if necessary to spare the life of the child or mother. Planned caesarean sections for convenience is just wrong. We need to stop screwing around with nature.
• I would rather have ten drug-free vaginal births than have another C-section.

12. Hows about them foreskins?

• Mmm. I would like to see more of them. I can’t believe they are still getting away with routine circumcision. Human rights, anyone?
• actually, the thought really turns me on… probably because they are so rare right now in the adult US population and I wish I could try one out.
• do people actually notice that kind of thing?
• I will leave any son of mine intact. I believe, as a parent, you are your child’s voice and advocate. It’s an unnecessary, cosmetic surgery that can not be reversed. If my son(s) want their foreskin removed when they have a voice, more power to them.
• WOOT! Anyone who thinks having MORE penis is bad… is an idiot.

13. Chicken pox?

• I had it when I was 4 I believe. I remember it pretty well because that pink lotion. I will not have my daughter vaccinated for the chicken pox due to the research I’ve done on the vaccine and it’s side effects.
• It is a herpes virus. Betcha didn’t know that one eh?

14. Do you burp? Okay, but do you fart like a champ?

• Yes and Yes. I do have to say farting is a first thing in the morning, still laying in bed, contest between my husband and I. We compete who has the best morning farts… longest, loudest, juiciest and we get a VERY hearty laugh about it. We start the morning off right.
• Yup, I burp. I belch too, and mom says my belches sound like a demon growling. My farts aren’t usually as impressive, though I seem to fart loudest when I’m laying in bed.
• Burping: Yes, when I drink fast. Farting: Oh yeah. I’m a farting machine.

15. Hey. I have at least two fantastic girl names lined up. Mind if you name the boys and I name the girls?

• I name the girls? No. As long as the names are somewhat original. No “Ashley” or “Katie” or anything like that.
• Sounds like a sweet situation to me, although I only really wanted two kids anyway. If we hit like, 3 or 4 and still don’t have two girls for you to name, can we get a dog or cat instead?
• That’s perfect because I can only think of good boy names
• Sure. I have way more boy names lined up anyway.

16. Describe kinky sex to me.

• My strap on. Teeth. Video camera. Hand restraints. Nature. Another girl possibly?
• Me dominating you. Hands tied behind your back, vulnerable ass in the air, and me brandishing a large black dildo. Or, for a change of pace, a hot female friend of ours dominating ME at your command while you watch. I’ve got a fairly open mind, so pretty much anything goes, except for watersports/shitting on chest type stuff, or really painful stuff. That’s a turn-OFF to me, not a turn-ON.

(Don’t worry, I do not want to take a dump on a girl’s chest.)

17. Would you like a Portuguese Breakfast?

• No thank you..the only eggs in this punani are the ones that come from my ovaries
• Okay….i’ve heard three different menu items when it comes to this breakfast…

  you whisk up some eggs, have her lay down and prop up her ass real high, take a funnel and pour the eggs in her pussy, then fuck her, and you have just made her “scrambled eggs”

  you give a man head in the morning after a night of sex

  eating scrambled eggs from a woman’s pussy

  which breakfast do you mean?

• Only if I can give you a Brazilian Wax

(For the record, I was just referencing Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo.)

18. Describe your kissing/make-out style.

• I like to kiss as a way to connect and get turned on. I do like tongues.. I even like a little nibbling / biting. I also like licking the neck a lot.. and blowing gently in ears.. whispering naughty things.
• Start out with a closed mouth, or leaning in with a slightly parted mouth that closes when lips connect to let my partner know how far I’m willing to take the kiss, if they take the hint. Wrapping my arms around their neck or lower back to hug them close, twirling my fingers into their hair if it’s long and my hands are at their shoulders. I never know whose tongue goes first since I’m rather lost in the moment, but I make sure to swallow every few seconds so my saliva doesn’t pour into their mouth. I dart my tongue around their mouth and twirl it around their own tongue, letting them play inside our mouths. I used to suck on tongues, but then had someone do it to me once and I realized I didn’t like it much, so I stopped doing it so they wouldn’t do it back. I love nipping and nibbling at bottom lips, though.
• It’s varied. I like some tongue/lip sucking on occasion. Kissing the neck and ears is definitely a must. Hands everywhere. Bodies pressed together. Light, teasing kisses, and then full on, sucking the life out of your lover kisses.
• I like soft, sweet tender kisses with lots of kisses, hugging, hand holding. After that I freeze and get spooked. It will take a patient woman (and a lot more healing on my part) to be able to move past that stage and still feel good about myself.
• Awww yeah, now we’re talking. NOTHING is better than a good makeout session. I love small, closed-mouth, soft kisses at first. Accompanied by face stroking. Then moving into parting of lips a little more. Light tongue action, lip sucking. Tracing one’s tongue across your lover’s lips, gums, teeth. To full on making out with fingers intertwined in each other’s hair. *sigh* Just no sliding of ones tongue all the way down the other’s throat. EUW!

19. What are your favorite video games?

• I’m not much for video games. I can rule at some Tetris Attack, though.
• Almost embarrassing, but I really like the Mario Party games. We used to smoke weed and play for hours, but we don’t do that anymore. I’m really competitive when it comes to games like that so I really get into them.

20. Describe how you’d take care of your bodily functions if we went camping.

• Um, squat?
• I imagine I’d take off my pants and squat. How many choices are there on a typical camping trip? I’ve never been, so I don’t really know. I’d bring extra toilet paper.
• You’d more than likely see me remove my pants and wander behind a bush, assuming there were some around. I’d dig a hole to poop in or just deposit the toilet paper into, unless we brought some sort of disposal (plastic bag or something) to throw the toilet paper into. I’d remove my pants to avoid peeing all over them, it’s incredibly hard to aim as a crouching girl and I don’t enjoy peeing standing up.
• I’d poo and pee in a bush and I’d bringalong my cup just incase the red tide happened to show up.

(I see nobody likes peeing standing up. *smiles*)

21. What would you do if I called you a fatass?

• Call you an asshole,
  and tell you to come fuck me in my fat ass.
• Call you scrawny.
• Tell you thank you for being honest instead of lying to my face.
• Do you have a penchant for fat asses?
• Know you were kidding. Or take you literally and say “why think you, yes I DO have a rather large derriere don’t I?”

23. You’re about to do me in the butt. What music would you play? Is this somehow different from what you “normally” listen to?

• No music, I want to hear you moan.
• Music? Who needs music when I can listen to you moaning.
• Some soft classical, to make sure you were relaxed. It hurts so much more when you’re not relaxed. It’s not my typical selection, but I occasionally bump to the Mozart.
• I’m a woman, how on earth would I do you in the butt?
• Interesting that you asked, since I already mentioned this in a previous answer. 😉 Hmmm…probably something heavy, like Nine Inch Nails or Tool. Tool is GREAT kinky sex music. And no, it’s not that much different from what I normally listen to. I don’t really listen to heavy music unless I’m angry or need to get some serious chores done.

24. If you were to date me in some regard, what’s five (or more) expectations you’d have of me? (Whether it be based on what you know about me, or simply what you like in dating people.)

• Comfort, sensitivity, total and complete acceptance, you letting me kiss you whenever i want, and however much id like, being comfy with me, burping, farting, going to the bathroom while i brush my teeth, that kind of stuff, meeting your parents, doing you in the ass, you doing me in the ass, open communication.
• I really don’t like putting expectations on people but here is what I think a good relationship is composed of:
  1. Mutual respect – there’s really no point in being in a relationship with anyone without respect. If you can’t respect my feelings, my beliefs, my thoughts then what are you doing with me?
  2. Friendship – being able to converse without judgements made, talk until the wee hours in the morning about anything and everything. Talking and listening – really listening… and not just waiting to talk like Marla Singer says in Fight Club.
  3. Honesty – There’s no point to a relationship that is built on lies. I’ll be honest with you and I expect the same in return.
  4. Physical contact – Kisses, hugs, cuddles, little touches, sex
  5. Laughter/Fun – we would have to be able to laugh at and with each other.
• You’d have to cheer me up when I’m depressed. You’d have to make me laugh, although not necessarily on cue. You’d have to like cuddling, and just holding me. You’d have to be open-minded about things and be able to have discussions without shooting down my ideas – I would certainly extend you the same courtesy. And you’d have to um, I don’t know. Have some sort of goal in life that you’re working towards, like a house or a family or a career or just an ideal lifestyle, or something.
• I’d expect:
  1. Communication. Gotta talk!
  2. You to be willing to work on your self confidence
  3. You not to be afraid of public displays of affection. I’d want to touch you all the time and I’d expect the same from you!
  4. You to call me but not be clingy
  5. Orgasms. Yours too.
  6. Trust. Lots of trust.

25. What is intimacy?

• complete honesty and vulnerablility. trust. that feeling of intense closeness.
• Intimacy is when two people can take a moment out of life and feel so merged that they dont feel like separate entities. This can be during sex, watching a movie, or even cooking dinner.
• It’s not (necessarily) love and it’s not a drunken hook up. It’s two people with the same common goal… human contact. It’s being open with your body and feelings and sharing them with another person.
• Something special that you wouldn’t do with just anyone. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Snuggling with my son is intimate, because it shows a special loving bond that we have.

26. You’re going to give me a pet nickname, either for endearment, or for bedroom use. What would it be? Oh, and what would my nickname for you be?

• Android Timinator 413. And you’d have to make up one for me because that’s the only way nicknames work. You can’t just nick name yourself. It just doesn’t work that way!
• Well, since you’ll be cross dressing ;), Stella? 😉 I don’t know, it would depend on how well I knew you and what seemed to crop up as a result of that knowing. Kind of the same as naming a pet for me, I simply don’t know the name until I know the animal in question.

27. Open prompt: Why should I date you?

• Because I’m attracted to you. Because I’m understanding. Because I like to listen and I have a feeling you need people to listen. Because I own a strap on. And well… because I’m only a bridge away (or if I get the job in NJ… only a highway away)
• Really, you shouldn’t, I wouldn’t recommend it. Not because I am a bad person to date (I hope not anyway) but because given that I identify as a lesbian and really have no desire to be in contact with a penis in a sexual way again (I’m sure yours is a perfectly lovely penis, it’s just not for me) I don’t know that I’d be able to give to you what you’d be deserving of having. Someone who can give to you wholly and completely, both physically and emotionally.
• I would be a good mommy to your children if we had any. I would be lots of fun in bed because I like to experiment and have a vivid imagination. I would brush your hair while we watch TV. I give really good massages. I would strive to break the stereotype of the bitchy, selfish girlfriend. I would do nice things for you, like folding your laundry and making you meals and picking up your favorite bottle of vodka. I would also protect you from the swarms of jealous chicks who would attempt to steal you from me by using my wicked street skillz and vicious verbal wit.

If you’ve actually survived all of that, congratulations. (Or just scrolled down, whatever.) I probably didn’t need to bother doing that, as I didn’t give out any names. In part so nobody questions my judgement, as well as letting certain ladies save face. While I kind of had an idea who was going to win after all the applications were in, it’s clear I need to declare a runner-up. Miss Window, I absolutely loved your application. You made me laugh, and a lot of your ideals match up with mine. I’m sure you’re a fantastic momma.

But I’m going with my original impulse. Maybe it’s that she formatted her text red. Maybe it’s that she gave me her phone number. Regardless, Lauren is this year’s winner. So. Uh.. You want to go out sometime? Maybe dinner and a movie? Or order pizza and play card games? And cuddles. I like cuddles.

Runner-up: Window

Winner of DateATimmy V: Lauren [_Womyn]