Can I go now?

I’ve noticed I get very annoyed when I say I’m going to do things. Because, more often than not, things happen in a slightly different order. I’d love to say I’ll get to bed early. Will it happen? I have no idea. Yet if I write it, somehow I’ll be frustrated with myself if I don’t do it. It’s much more validating to write in the past tense.

I tried reading those shoulder rehabilitation type articles. Absolutely mind-number. For a moment, I forgot that I’m a bad reader. Pays to have a bad memory, sometimes.

I’ve also noticed I get very frustrated if I don’t know what I’m doing.

Let me explain my day. I got up at 6 AM today. I could afford to get by on 6 – 7 hours, because I’ve been VERY good about sleeping. I know if I’m going to stand a chance, I have to get my sleep. It gives me the best chance to succeed. I knew we had a quiz in my speech class. What he does is force you to take notes, then he collects them. Like it or not, I can only manage to do them immediately before class. I normally get up to lift at 7 AM for an 11:30 class. So I got up an hour earlier.

I was awake before my alarm. I ate breakfast. I’m sure I even concealed my nudity with clothes at some point. I made a number of sandwiches for the day, and pooped. I gymmed, which was what I need to keep my mental sanity. Really good workout, felt great afterwards. Focused on food in the hopes I’ll gain weight. I had maybe a half hour to actually work on the study notes. I move fast when I want. I had about two pages of notes done very quickly. As for the quiz, sometimes short-term memory fails you. But the fact remains I work well with a plan if I know what I’m doing.

On the other hand, if it’s something I’ve never done before, I end up stressing out and sputtering around because, dude, I have no idea what I’m doing. How to rehab a shoulder injury? What exactly am I supposed to write? Damn you. I have the same problem in my other class. The guys in my kinesiology group are kind of morons, but I really don’t want to let those girls down. It’s the typical judgemental attitude out of me. Males telling me I can do things sound condescending, whereas females telling me the same exact thing sounds oddly sincere. It’s annoying.

I’ve been sputtering around college for the past four hours. I even did a sudoku, thinking I hadn’t had time to really relax and stop thinking about all this crap. That was mindly successful. I did open my bookbag and try to read those articles. I tried.

But now it’s past 7 PM, and while I may not have done much on an absolute scale, I feel mentally exhausted. I know what I need to do tomorrow morning. Actually, I haven’t even started writing a little summary for that personal change project. Remember that on sleepbabble I wrote? I was supposed to do more of those, but it was so painful to write I just couldn’t do it. What the hell. Ha ha. I could never be a writer for money. It just zaps my creativity and spirit. I have the times I went to bed and got up for a number of weeks. That’s something. I’ll probably write a wonderful summary about my own personal psychosis and how important sleep is. She knows me, so I can get away with it.

Anyway, I swear, I tangent constantly. My point is that it’s 7 PM, and I really just want to GOTO bed. Will I? I don’t know, but I feel like I need some sort of okay sign to leave. Because I still haven’t done anything, and that makes me feel like a failure.

Nah, I feel okay. I just think I’ll do better in the morning. I just hope I get to bed on time. Hrm. Perfect opportunity to indulge in presleep wanking. It helped me sleep when I was 14, and it’ll help me sleep now.