Bowling For One.

I woke up sometime around ten. I’ve been having trouble getting myself to GOTO bed again. Sigh. I can’t really remember what I did this morning. Sometime around noon, I remember getting myself dressed and having breakfast. Waffles at noon. Sounds like it should be fun. Everything tastes the same. (And I’m not talking about the food.)

I was about to go leave for the Y when my dad said they were going shopping. So I joined them. After lifting inanimate objects, I went to the Y. I benchpressed 95 pounds for 9 reps. For my own amusement, I put five more pounds on. I was about to do two reps. I did more leg machines. Um. Grunted out four pull-ups. What amused me was that afterwards my arms didn’t feel sore. At all. I guess that means they’re.. being.. exercised? Yes!

It was 6 PM at that point. I have no problem sitting amongst the lunch rush crowd. But somehow, I didn’t want to be around the dinner rush crowd. So I went home. They’d gone out to eat without me, so I came home to an empty condo. Thought I’d eat then, but put it off for a little bit. Wrote a rough self-description in spanish while eating my dad’s leftover meatball hoagie.

I tried doing the translations that I’ll eventually have to do for spanish, but nerves got to me. I thought I’d do the snowflake method for brainstorming my National Novel Writing Month endeavour. That also overwhelmed me. I caught myself and immediately decided to go for White Castle. I decided to walk. Gave me a moment to just talk to myself. Why am I feeling off? I don’t think I had an answer.
Observing the scenery, I eyed the bowling alley right next to White Castle. I wondered whether it was open. I thought of Dan and how he’d wanted to go bowling for a while. Yet, for some strange reason, thinking of Dan puts a bad taste in my mouth. Hell, visiting all of my friends puts a bad taste in my mouth. I can’t explain it. I just don’t have a desire to be around them.

I half-heartedly pondered going bowling. Then I thought, “Oh please, who bowls by themselves.”

Ah-HA!

Catching an I-can’t, an incertainty, a nervousness, a paranoia, a fear of judgement, I decided to go bowling right then and there. So I did. Going up to the counter, it occurred to me that I’d never actually had to be the one to.. say.. stuff?

“Can I have a lane?”

Price wasn’t something I was paying attention. Not in a moment like that. The air was filled with good disco and 70’s rock. I could see minors everywhere coupling. Well, not like that. A dark area with flashy lights? That screams teenage hangout. I saw a group or two of guys who were just tossing some balls (without *gasp* FEMALE COMPANIONS!) I quickly found a ball and went about my business. 108, 110, 103. Still right where I want to be. Sweating, I washed my hands and left the building.

Mmm, White Castle.

Another reason I went to White Castle. I’ve had 8 jalapeño burgers before. (And my intestines were angry in the morning.) I’ve had 6 jalapeño burgers. (And my intestines were angry in the morning.) Nah. I just wanted four. And my mind thought, “Who gets only four burgers? C`mon. You’ll embarass yourself if you just get four. White Castle is for gorging!”

My mind’s strange. The amusing thing is the guy in front of me ordered just four cheeseburgers. Go figure.

Now I remember what I was thinking about as I walked to White Castle. Is it really circumstance that made me this way? To be so… Fucked up? I still feel like a science experiment, to a degree. All this trouble I have to go through on a daily basis. Literally, every freaking day. There isn’t a day that passes I don’t struggle with. Why do I have to be cursed like this? It’s frustrating. When can I sit back, relax, and reap the benefits of my efforts? When can I learn to already be happy, do stuff, and not feel like, “Uh. I’m still not happy.” Yeah, I know, it’s one of the chapters in the self-esteem book. I’ll get to it.

Sigh. How long am I required to keep my mind busy so it’s too distracted to attack me? It’s like being a prisoner in your own mind. And people wonder why I use the Matrix analogy. Some days I’m The One. Other days, I’m just Thomas Anderson.

If I know what’s good for me, I’ll GOTO bed early. Staying up late dwelling on potentially unhappy thoughts is not a good thing.

Oh, and on a note I should have mentioned earlier, I noticed I gained a pound.