BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part III: The Big Parade
The sun shined brightly upon a group of teenagers. Kivudet raised his hand to block the light and orientate himself. Outside, obviously. General Disk Error stood to his left and TRENTS+EIN to his right. He looked at them, then behind himself. Martino was right behind him. They seemed to be in a massive crowd of people.
Kivudet sighed, “Okay, where’s The Jew?”
All the people seemed to be orientated in one direction, so Kivudet pushed people aside to try and get somewhere.
“The Big Parade.”
The scene didn’t seem to be from any place they had visited before. Almost like a street out of Animal House. Masses of people. Random floats.
General Disk Error snapped his fingers. “Oh daRn, he’s dead.”
TRENTS+EIN poked the General, “He’s on The JewMobile.”
“You didn’t read the script.”
“Do I need to? It’s so predictable. Odds are, if we walk against the flow of the parade, we’ll run into him eventually dancing like a hawaiian dancer with coconuts for tits.”
Kivudet smirked, “Okay. Let’s.. walk.. this way..” He lead the group into the street. Pretending to be a politician, he smiled and waved at the people. Martino walked uncomfortably in the open air.
“OH MY GOD, IS THAT HIM?” A feminine voice got their attention. “MARTINO, WE LOVE YOU, LET US IN YOUR PANTS!” A mass of females engulfed Martino and dragged him away.
General Disk Error chuckled, “At least one of us will get some action before we all die.”
They walked, passing forgetable floats. And then they saw him. Dressed as a Hawaiian Dancer with… coconut tits. The Jew danced and shook his ass as if people would be attracted to it. Strangely, the crowd cheered as he passed. “JEW! JEW! JEW!” Our soon-to-be-dead heros yelled at The Jew to get his attention. He seemed to be in his own world.
The JewMobile was just passing by them when an ominous hand reached for The Jew’s leg. The Jew didn’t see it and accidentally stepped on it. BIGGAYDAN fell off the far side of the float. “AH, GOD DAMN IT, YOU FUCKING JEW, YOU STEPPED ON MY UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES!”
TRENTS+EIN smiled. “Let me handle this.” TRENTS+EIN ran ahead, while Kivudet and General Disk Error trailed him. They caught up with him on the other side of The JewMobile, which was still driving on in the parade. TRENTS+EIN smiled evilly and put his foot on the now fully hog-tied BIGGAYDAN. “I don’t know what you guys are so afraid of.”
General Disk Error was utterly confused, “Okay, where’s you get the rope?”
TRENTS+EIN shook his head. “Same place this entire parade came from. Horror movie logic, you know.” He paused and looked at the now diffused BIGGAYDAN. “Um. What do we do with him?”
Kivudet nudged General Disk Error and they lifted BIGGAYDAN so he was standing on his knees. Hog-tied, after all. There was a ball-gag in BIGGAYDAN’s mouth. Kivudet removed it and looked him in the eyes. BIGGAYDAN was naturally furious.
“YOU FUCKING TIMMY, IMMA KILL YOU!”
Kivudet put the ball-gag back into his mouth. “Okay, it’s clear we’re not going to get much out of him. Any ideas what we should do with him?” BIGGAYDAN continued to writhe and moan, as if he wanted to say something.
General Disk Error moved Kivudet aside and said to BIGGAYDAN, “Now, Mister BIGGAYDAN, I’d just like to know, is there any way we can not die?” He removed the ball gag.
“Look behind you.”
Naturally, the three of them all looked behind them. When they turned their attention to BIGGAYDAN, he was gone.
“Fucking horror movie logic.” Kivudet sighed.
They looked around them, as if BIGGAYDAN had randomly wiggled away. Nowhere to be seen. They looked towards the crowd of people to the side of the street. Randomly, Martino burst forth with tattered clothes and messed up hair.
“God damn, I love this movie.”
TRENTS+EIN patted Martino on the back. “BIGGAYDAN was that good, eh?”
A disgusted face formed on Martino. “No man. You wouldn’t BELIEVE what happened to me…”
Kivudet cut him off, “GOOD, then we don’t need to hear it.”
A scream got their attention. From the JewMobile, which was now much farther down along the road. BIGGAYDAN was behind The Jew, and had just taken a big bite out of his right arm.
General Disk Error looked confused, “I didn’t know BIGGAYDAN was a cannibal…”
The four of them ran towards The Jew. The crowd of people onlooking the parade seemed impervious to the screams coming from him. The Jew wasn’t doing much to fight off BIGGAYDAN, beyond screaming and randomly flinging his arms. He felt like he was being felt up in all his private places.
Eventually, the screams stopped. The four reached The JewMobile and climbed on top. They looked at their fallen Jew. He had a big vacancy of flesh on his right arm, where BIGGAYDAN bite him. But, other than that, he seemed fine. He openned his eyes.
“Come on, guys, help me up.”
Kivudet and company looked at each other, confused. “Shouldn’t you be dead?” They helped him up, and looked at the missing part of his arm. TRENTS+EIN scratched his head.
Martino said, “Hey, maybe we all won’t all die!”
The General paused. “Wait, what’s that ticking sound?”
At that moment, The Jew’s coconut breasts exploded, along with a bomb planted up his ass, completely annihilating him. The four fell down from the impact of the explosion. Kivudet wiped the carnage off his face. “Arrr, I be covered in JewBlood. Well, I suppose people in my family are used to that.” The explosion also magically stopped the parade, as if everything else wasn’t suspicious enough.
The four were absolutely drenched in JewBlood. Slowly, they began to stand. TRENTS+EIN, not bothering to wipe the bit of intenstines off his glasses, wondered around, “Hey. Who’s supposed to die next?”
Kivudet rose and looked at General Disk Error, “You. During The Big Game.”