BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part II

Lunch, in your average High School. Where this high school exists, they’re not sure. It feels vaguely familiar, like they’ve been there before. Kivudet, General Disk Error, and Grunge looked at each other. Around them, people they never thought they’d see again. They were in their old lunch spot, a small cubbyhole where lockers were taken out. Kivudet stood against the left wall. TRENTS+EIN sat in the middle of the back wall. General Disk Error sat in the right corner. The Jew sat against the middle of the right wall. Martino sat in the middle of the cubbyhole. Grunge stood at the edge of the cubbyhole, feeling out of place. And in the left corner. Emptiness.

Kivudet spoke, “This isn’t right. We’re not supposed to be here.”

General Disk Error said, “Didn’t I graduate?”

They looked at Grunge with wondering eyes, “I’m not supposed to be here, am I? I never ate with you guys.”

Then they looked at the corner. Void of Timmy.

General Disk Error’s eyes rose. “The funeral. It feels almost like it was a dream.”

Having not been present for the past events, TRENT+STEIN, The Jew, and Martino were utterly confused. TRENTS+EIN grew tired of the babbling. “Listen guys, can we try putting a hamster in my pants and seeing which way it runs?”

Kivudet motioned to General Disk Error and put his arm around Grunge, walking out of the cubbyhole. They blended in among the masses.

Again, Kivudet spoke, “I believe we are caught in… well. Something. It’s just like the story said. As such, we must assume horror movie logic. General, what was the next thing that was supposed to happen after we left the group and started talking?”

“I believe Grunge was supposed to randomly leave to go pee and…”

They looked around. Grunge was gone.

Kivudet exclaimed, “God damn it, Grunge, you have no life!”

“Well, he does have life, Kivudet. It just won’t last that long. I should have gone to the bathroom on this floor, let’s go there.”

In the first floor bathroom, Grunge was taking one of the best pisses of his life.

“Oh god, why did I hold it in while they were looking at each other?”

An ominous voice spoke from behind Grunge, “Your hair. It’s so long. Your face, it has.. hair.. And that ass. Oh, that ass. You’re such a Timmy.”

Grunge didn’t know who was talking. “Uh. Who’s there? Hey man, don’t talk to me while I’m taking a whiz, that’s not right!”

“You’re going to die, Timmy.”

“I’m not Timmy. Timmy’s dead.”

“And you will be, too.”

Still pissing, BIGGAYDAN reached around Grunge and grabbed his weiner. In one solid pull, he yanked his weiner straight out of his body. Blood gushed out of where Grunge’s weiner used to be. He reflexively grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in pool of blood. BIGGAYDAN looked at Grunge’s weiner and started nibbling on it.

Kivudet and General Disk Error were already on their way when they heard the screams. But, it was too late. They found their fallen comrade in a pool of blood, unconscious and turning white. They kicked him, hoping to get one last word out of him. Nothing.

The two returned to the cubbyhole.

“Grunge is dead.” Kivudet announced.

TRENTS+EIN stood up. “Okay, first you guys get all, weird on us because Timmy isn’t here today, and now you’re telling me Grunge just died in the bathroom. Tell me, who’s going to die next, me?”

General Disk Error answered the question, “Actually no, BIGGAYDAN kills the two jews first. He already got Grunge. The Jew is supposed to die during The Big Parade.”

The Jew was naturally shocked at this turn of events, “What, I’m going to DIE?!”

Kivudet patted The Jew on the back. “Oh, quiet, you jew. You jews should be used to dying in large numbers.”

Martino decided to make his presence known, “Hey um. Shouldn’t we be mourning the loss of Grunge?”

Kivudet smiled evilly. “I want you to be General Disk Error’s personal bodyguard.”

“Uh, okay!”

General whispered to Kivudet, That isn’t in the script at all.

Precisely, do you want to die now or later?

Kivudet looked up and paused. “Ever notice how Zombywoof looks like that guy from Student Bodies who has that thing for sleeping with his testicles between Horsehead Bookends.”

General Disk Error thought for a second, “Wait, only you and Timmy saw that movie.”

“Oh yeah. Timmy. Shouldn’t we be planning some way of not getting killed that wasn’t in the original script?”

Trent reiterated his original outburst, “What original script?”

Kivudet rolls his eyes. “Didn’t you read Part I? Timmy wrote a story, and BIGGAYDAN is fulfilling it. Now, he’s already killed Timmy and Grunge. The Jew is next to die, at The Big Parade. I know General Disk Error dies during The Big Game, TRENTS+EIN dies during The Big Prom. Martino dies during The Big Gang Bang. And.. of course. I die during The BIGGAYDAN.”

They all pause to think. Beyond them, Grunge’s bloody carcass is being hauled away on a stretcher. They don’t notice. The Jew pointed his finger, as if concluding something.

“We should just do what we were going to do anyway, because we’re aaaalllllll going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Kivudet grinned, “That’s actually not a bad idea.”