Back to Basics.

Inspirations typically aren’t the actual things themselves, but they merely function as triggers to bring out what we already knew inside ourselves. And to think I was only a quarter watching Matrix Reloaded. (As opposed to half watching.)

What was once obvious to me and identifiable has spread. I have to fight this negativity. When I had my internal critic under control, I was able to focus and harness my energies a lot easier. I seem to have gone up to another level, so my critic seems to have cascaded into a lot of different things. Just. Negativity from so many faint angles that it’s hard to identify.

I have a fear of overthinking, amusingly. It’s why I’m afraid to question what I do, despite the fact that I’m terrified of everything. A defense mechanism against a defense mechanism? Hey, it makes sense to me. I know damn well I have unhealthy coping devices. A good tactic for me would be to ask myself WHY I’m doing something. I’ve recognized masturbation as an unhealthy coping device. Abstaining, I have a chance to look at everything else I turn to. Nothing is absolutely a bad thing, it’s merely the context. Battlefront is a great game, and there’s nothing wrong with playing it. Except for the fact that I use it to escape. No different than alcohol.

If I try just looking at the actions I default into, I may find a way out of my moods faster. Realize quicker what it is I really want to do to make myself happy. I hate shutting down. I can feel it when it happens, and I just feel so helpless to stop it. So I have to stop it from reaching that point.

Will try rereading.. was it chapter three? I think it was. A refresher on my primary enemy.

There’s also a mind-game at play. I mean. Let’s say I feel depressed. Someone asks me how I feel. I say, “I’m depressed.” Which is the truth, isn’t it? Except in that moment, I’ve just said to myself, “You’re depressed.” Something better to say to myself would be, “You’re going to get out of this and feel better.”

It is a struggle. But I have to try. Because this has been dragging out far too goddamn long. I’m fucking sick of it.

Wow. I’m not you, obviously, but I could have written that, or something that expresses that sentiment. I’m not in that mode right now, but I have so been there. Just keep plugging along and don’t give up. I wish I had better advice but I don’t know of a faster way out. Take care,

Question: Are you pissed about that circumcision debate we had? (If you want to call it a debate) Just asking, thought you might be mad about that.

Oh, I’m sorry Timmy. I didn’t realise that that was such an EMOTIONAL struggle for you. I really feel bad, I apoligoze.

“It is a struggle. But I have to try. Because this has been dragging out far too goddamn long. I’m fucking sick of it.” That is exactly what I’ve been WAITING for. That is exactly why I didn’t reply when you said “I hate myself”, etc etc. Because, no you don’t. And I’m not gonna buy into it. You’re exactly right. What we tell ourselves has an incredible affect. You keep telling yourself “I’m

depressed, worthless, I can’t do it”– you’re right, you will feel depressed, you will feel worthless, and you won’t be able to do it. You’re figuring this out. You’re learning that if you don’t do something about this, no one will. You’re realizing that you’ve got the strength to control how you feel. So, Tim– you are going to be fine. Just keep trying. That’s all you need to do.

You can solve things better with being positive 99.9% of the time. This from me, Miss Negativity.