As the eyes focus once again.

As if awakening from a dream, to realize you’re still in that same hole you used to be in. Shutting down is a dangerous thing, and I fear I need to act quickly. Emotional maintenance isn’t easy, it’s something you have to keep on top of. After all, I’m the most important person in my life.

A shifting, a disturbance. I deserve something good to happen to me, for once. I won’t bother trying to figure out why girls haven’t been decent to me, it’s overgeneralizing. Moreover, it’s unfair to paint every girl with the same brush. What drives the need for female companionship, anyway? I know damn well happiness must come from within. I know that if I’m not feeling loved, it’s because I’m not loving myself enough.

I’m smart enough to figure these things out, it’s just difficult, no matter how many times I do it. I don’t think I’ve ever laid down a plan, have I? Emotional maintenance, I mean. I keep saying I’ll write in my journal more, just for me, but that’s all talk. I’ve had some good self-discipline. I eat breakfast every day. I brush my teeth. I’ve been slipping on my mood-tracking.

How many days do I just zone out? Wake up, wake up.

Then again, tackling stress with all thrusters firing would probably burn out the motor. Better to just close your eyes and push on forward.

I don’t know what to do about the van. Do I waste more money on repairs? One way or another, it’s going to be dealt with soon. I got lucky this happened over spring break.

There’s presentations I have to give eventually. That makes me want to shut down more than anything else.

No wait, I also need to get a job. That makes me shut down more than anything else. I thought it would get easier someday, but it hasn’t. It still terrifies me.

I need to get back to basics. And that starts with not letting my sleep get out of control. Tomorrow, I have lots more thinking to do. I’m smart. I will figure this out. As my old battle cry roars, I will triumph.