An Entry.

I have a headache. That much I know for sure. I took two Advil because I’m not in the mood for a headache. I know that headaches hurt, right? Yet as I try to identify where the pain is coming from, it doesn’t really seem like pain at all. More like discomfort. Or the physical manifestation of something inside me that decided to come out and pester me.

I’m sure there’s plenty of things that could come out and pester me now.

I was at Cliff’s long enough to lose track of the day of the week. Long enough to pretend I had put Paige out of mind. If only for a moment. Yet day in, day out, I find myself reminded of her. Paige used to do this, Paige used to say that. My associative memory is rather annoying at times. When absorbed video games like I was, I didn’t think about her much. Because that just wasn’t something we did together. Nothing about Kimahri and his angry ronso reminds me of Paige. Unfortunately, the ManBrine scene made me want to cry when I watched it.

I should explain what the ManBrine scene is. After you kill that Spermimorph, Yuna later returns there to bask in it’s brine. The character formerly known as Tidus goes there to find her. He goes in the brine too and um. Well um. I’ll just say Cliff has been calling him ManBrine after that scene, so I’ve been calling him that, too.

My mind resets and wonders what to babble about next.

Having beat Final Fantasy X into the ground, Cliff got me started on Star Ocean. The battle system is such where you can beat powerful enemies when you’re underleveled, and where minor enemies will continue to annoy the hell out of you for the rest of the game, regardless of how powerful you are. I’ve been relying on Hammer of Might to win. I have Dumbass (Fayt) and Chode (Nel) run around like jackasses and otherwise distract the enemies while I do the actual damage with Erik (Cliff). *smirks* The fact that you can rename all your playable characters at any time in the game is a HUGE plus.

I remember Cliff playing Star Ocean for a long time. So long that I almost wanted to ask him to do something else. But eh, I tend to let such things go. I don’t remember much about the game, except him saying to me that the goal of the game is to find his parents. Which is true. I remember him hitting on Mirage. I also remember him trying to find this snowman in this one area over and over and over again.

Having taken residence at Cliff’s for so long, I got to see daily life. I know his mom comes down the stairs (with all the dogs barking) around 10 AM. (Meaning, I better be asleep before then. I usually am, anyway, unless I’m staying up.) His dad comes around now and then and doles out medicine. His parents will continually ask me whether Cliff is awake or whether his girlfriend is over. I find it rather ironic how his mom will make rather mean jokes about Jess having twins when they’ve never had sex. Hell, Jess is still a virgin.

I made a comment yesterday that I’m glad that I’ve dated girls with mostly not-common names. Whereas Cliff is on his second or third Jess. *smirks*

And then there’s his little brother, Bobby. He’s twelve and he’s mostly illiterate. I just can’t imagine being like that. Being able to read is very important when you’re playing video games. Otherwise, you’re just running around like a jackass, not understanding what’s going on in the game at all. The only reason he can follow FFX at all is because of the abuse of LIVE VOICE ACTING. Meaning when prompts come up that tell you important things like the Cloister of Trials, well, then he hasn’t a clue what’s going on.

Cliff’s right, Bobby will have a hard life. He’s just not all there. Cliff tells me that Bobby is really good at math as long as you don’t use words. Um. Not sure how you’d do that, but I’ll take his word for it. I remember how I used to tear through word problems, getting the right answers, yet being unable to explain how I did it. This was before I had algebraic backing, of course. Who knows, maybe I’d make a decent Mr. Brady. Brady was the token computer teacher slash algebra teacher in my High School. He was a rookie teacher when he taught my first computer class.

I tolerate all the dogs in Cliff’s house. I just don’t know how to handle dogs. I relate to cats much easier. I can’t read dogs as much. Also, I hate it when dogs get their wet noses on my hands. I flinch away and whip the back of my hand on my pants. Dirty, dirty.

Jake-y, the big mistake-y. I hate that dog. If you are eating something, he will want it. I know, all dogs are like that. But Jake was born in a puppy farm and as I understand it, he was very scrawny when they got him. Now he’s big and fat. He breaks into the fridge now and then and will devour any food he can. He’s the reason they don’t have an official trash. Because if they did, Jake would get into it. He also barks at everything. I swear, if he wasn’t there, the rest of the dogs wouldn’t be so loud. I like Stella, but her bark is so high-pitched. Cliff says most greyhounds don’t bark like that. And yes, I know that greyhounds won’t learn to bark unless they’re around other dogs.

Okay, there’s that train of thought.

So. What now? I keep asking myself that with the foreknowledge that I can’t sit on my ass forever. Yet, I don’t know how to do that.

My dad has TV on in the background, which is distracting. I watched Simpsons for the first time today in a LONG time.

I looked through pictures of Elena last night. It’s been a long time since I heard anything from her, and even longer since the last time I saw her. She’s all the proof I need that you just don’t stop loving somebody. Now and then, I think about where she is in life. I wonder if she’s happy. I wonder if she’s found a boyfriend that can handle her social ineptitude. Most unreadable girl I’ve ever met. Of course, that doesn’t mean I couldn’t read her. I just had to be patient.

I ran across the one framed picture of Sharon I have. That’s what reminded me of Elena, her picture was originally in there. Many a time, I considered taking Sharon’s picture out of the frame, but then I thought that I wouldn’t have anywhere to put it. So it stays there. For no reason, really. No point in having a token girlfriend picture frame.

I snapped at my mom last night. I guess my fuse hasn’t grown out. She asked what I’ve been doing at Cliff’s. I said playing video games. She asked if I intended to play video games for the rest of my life. I remember saying, “Shut up. Go away.” *rolls eyes* I think I yell at my parents to condition them to not talk about certain things. But stubborn as can be, my short fuse doesn’t change anything. By now, they’re just used to me yelling.

I was considering this and more earlier. For better or worse, I’m sensitive. I take things the wrong way. I have a theory that I’m so used to people inadvertantly hurting me, that I just shrug it off. It’s why I stayed with Paige even though she said things here and there that bothered me. I knew she didn’t mean any harm. So I let things go. Oh, I don’t know, it made sense in my head earlier. At the very least, I tune people out when what they’re saying doesn’t agree with me emotionally.

For the most part.

Yet, I did listen to Poptart and Cliff when they saidI should seek professional help, last year. So, *shrugs*

I remember last year when Alex left some unsavory notes. She was later puzzled at how I would ask for her help after mean she had been to me. I can be quite forgiving. Especially when I think somebody may understand me better than I do. Words from her or Cliff, even the same exact words, will mean more from them, simply because I know they know what they’re talking about.

As heartbroken as I am, any issues I have now have nothing to do with Paige. I feel hopeless and directionless. Words I’ve said before. I don’t feel worthless, just ineffectual. I seem good at doing things that don’t matter much, but really bad at accomplishing those things which are generally seen as worth doing. I can drive out to see Paige, wherever she is. Easy. I can’t get the nerve to apply for employment. Same problem, different era.

I’m not happy right now unless I’m distracted. Keeping busy. I’m glad I have friends to fill that void. But this is a temporary solution. I’m struggling to avoid the inevitable. Maybe I thought that I’d be more capable of doing things if I had Paige to guide me. But it doesn’t work that way. It takes a unique approach to get through to me. And she just didn’t seem to relate to me much. Instead of trying to relate, she tried to reason. And in trying to reason with me, it felt like she was talking down to me.

I remember the sheer optimism I had before I met Paige. She did not drag me out of a hole, no no. She met me right after I had dusted myself off. Good timing of which I don’t feel like detailing, as it could take an entry in itself. I remember feeling like I could do whatever I wanted. Yet now I’m stuck with an old and familiar problem: Be damned if I know what I want. I not only don’t know what to do, I couldn’t do it if I knew what it was. I once said I’m a thinker, not a doer, and that’s my fatal flaw.

Oh, about those ElenaPics I was looking through. I paused for a moment to admire my hair. Damn, I looked good. What the hell was I thinking when I cut my hair? *sigh* Not much I can do about it, now. I hate how I look in the mirror.

I’m a college drop-out. I’m unemployed. I’m living with my parents. (Yes, in NJ.) I’m heartbroken, but that isn’t the worst of my problems. I’m directionless and apathetic. This is dangerous, and I recognize I can’t be like this for too long, for it is self-perpetuating. I always seem to be waiting for something that never comes. Waiting for life to happen, instead of doing something about it. I haven’t the confidence in myself right now to change this trend.

I have no regrets about dropping out. If I had stayed in school, Paige and I would still be together. We only fought when we were living together for a while. I would have moved to Indiana next December, and discovered the things I know now. I refuse to go back to Rutgers, I hate it there. The only thing I dream about that’s college-related is the dining hall. No dorm dreams. No campus dreams. No class dreams. Not a single dream about the fools I met there. Only the dining hall, the only part of college I really enjoyed.

I could GOTO county. Which begs the question of what I’d do there. I don’t know. Same question again: Now what?

My mattress felt hard when I was falling asleep last night. Funny, I thought it was softer compared to my old (but younger) dorm mattress. I guess sleeping on the couch for so long grew on me. And I felt alone in that bed. It’s really nice sleeping with somebody. Paige gave me a reason to GOTO bed. And now, there’s no reason to sleep. Sleep is the reminder that I have no reason to get up in the morning. No school. No job. Nothing. It’s all within my hands, and I haven’t the slightest clue what to do.

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Tux
November 16, 2004

Pick up the paper, send out the C.Vs! I was in your situation a few years ago… it’ll take it out of you, but work, money, and routine are gonna be essential in getting you back on your motivational/emotional feet. Believe me, I was in the exact same situation.

November 16, 2004
November 16, 2004
November 16, 2004

i think i missed a lot. i hope things are getting better. *hugs*

November 16, 2004

Oh, God, Tim. This made me cry. I wish I could hug you. I love you.

Yup … time to pick yourself up sweety … dust yourself off again … put on the award-winning Timmy smile we all love and start looking for something to do. Getting a job will keep you busy, you don’t need to think career right now – just something to distract you and set the cogs in your brain in motion. *snuggles* I have a bikini pic up – that might cheer you up some! I’m hot LOL

November 16, 2004

His second or third Jess, huh… I guess I better watch out for Cliff fellow. Didn’t the dining hall at Rutgers burn down or something last week? And finally, you’re SO like my friend/ex Joel that it’s really quite astonishing. But just like him, I think you’ll find your feet eventually. Until then? Well, hmm. I’m not sure what you can do, other than keep actively searching. ::hugs::

Take Civil Service tests? *shrug*

RYN: You used to smile in your pictures sometimes – I miss your expressions!!! When do we get to see Timmy pichers again??

November 16, 2004

If I knew where you were I would buy you your favorite dinner and hug you. I have been reading in the corner for awhile and well…you astonish me. I know you will make it through all of this, because well….you rock.

Just one question… are you with Paige now? That part seemed vague. Or maybe I’m just a dumbass.

Yep. I’m a dumbass (sorry). I just answered my own question.

November 18, 2004

So here’s what I am thinking, work with me here…you like video games and you work(ed) with computers…why not throw that all together and become like a video game programmer? Or do something like Tom Hanks did in BIG and test out all the cool toys..except in your case..get paid to play video games? Just a thought

God, I graduated high school with guys who could barely read. Barely. It was pitiful. I don’t know how they made it. And I don’t know how someone never sat them down and made them learn to read. Easier said than done? Iono. As I’m reading the Timmy-Paige adventures, I’m getting a clearer picture of Timmy himself. It’s refreshing.

Oh….*sniffles* This is heartbreaking.