An Arousing Game of Risk.

I was quietly playing Battlefront when Cliff appeared outside my window. Ah! They got my message.

We Smash Brothered for a while. Cliff told me about a gaming convention he and Erik went to. They handed everybody their asses. Some people get pissy with us, because we don’t play with honor. We edgeguard! WE FIGHT DIRTY. Cliff also told me that, apparently, other people don’t throw items like we do. Killing computers gets old. It’s just not as fun.

Someone suggested White Castle. Given the trend this week has had, I had to say it was a good idea.

Somehow, the idea of Risk came up. I pointed out that if we wanted to play, given that Liz is currently between jobs, now would be the time. We were doing great until somehow the card bonuses got waaaaaaay out of hand. Seriously. I followed the damn instructions! They say that after 15, you add 5 armies to the bonus. And the bonus goes by the total number of cards turned in, regardless of what number bonus it is for you. So eventually we were getting 50+ army bonuses.

I was winning for most of the game, holding off Liz, and preventing Cliff from capturing Asia by refusing to give up the Middle East. Seriously, that was my entire strategy: Hold up around Southern Europe, Egypt, and the Middle East to completely dick with them. I figured continent bonuses from South America and Africa would pay off. Liz had North America and EuroLand for a while, but I was able to punch in and disable that.

Cliff got very angsty because he was incontinent. (Get it? He had no continents.) While I was being my usual conservative but shrewd self, I wasn’t taking the game THAT seriously. I swear, three rounds into the game, Cliff gave up, doing suicide runs at Liz to completely deplete his armies. I swear, what a whiner. I pointed out that he was being emotionally masochistic, and that telling yourself negative things constantly eventually makes you believe those things, as opposed to actually being positive.

Anyway, those bonuses ended up allowing Cliff to bunker 70+ armies in Alaska. Would you want to roll the dice to defeat 70 armies?

Cliff brought up his dad would always beat his ass with two X’s, calling them double hammers. Complete with a strange hand motion.

I got really tired and loopy as the evening went on, leaving me to say really lewd things and hear things wrong. I was in need of a shower, so I told her she was going to wake up with my ballsweat on her face. She said something, and I misheard it as, “Just like 23 other men.”

I swear, who needs alcohol when you can just not sleep?

(She really was talking about how she was going to distribute another 23 men on the board.)

Oh, I also brought up that I met a small jewish girl. Cliff said, “That’s what I’ve always been looking for!” The reaction was as expected. Liz was pointedly excited for me. And there was a quiet null reaction from Cliff. He just hopes something good happens to me and I don’t get screwed over again. All well and fine, but it’s nice to get a pulse off of Liz.

While we were driving, Cliff was really ripping into Liz. Could just be the depressive side of bipolar. Now I can usually see the points Cliff makes, even if he’s a little eccentric. But after he went into his house to sign some papers, I told Liz that I thought he was being unusually cruel and that I know she’d done nothing wrong. Liz isn’t perfect, but I’ll say this: She loves him, and she sure as hell puts up with a lot from him.

I know Cliff well enough that there’s more going on than meets the eye. Of course, sensing it, and being able to get him to understand are two different things. With how he had to get me to reach self-actualization, I’d know.

The Risk game pretty much ended when I decided I needed a shower now. So I showered and I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. Nevermind that I’m going to bed with damp hair. Shh.

I offered the couches to Cliff and Liz, but Cliff is pretty much afraid of my dad. See, my dad’s a dick and wakes him up at 7 AM. I’m serious. My dad claims to be all a “good host” and shit, but he’s nothing but a dick to Cliff. What kind of asshole wakes someone up that’s sleeping? You won’t even be here!