Afternoon of 10-19-6

It’s 4:40 on a Thursday afternoon. I could just go home. I could! But I feel a certain bit of desperation creeping up on me. Upcoming tests and upcoming papers, and things that will be due but aren’t due yet, nothing at critical time yet but the knowledge that it’s better to hack away at responsibilities piece by piece rather than waiting for it all to come crashing down on me at once.

No?

That, and I do jack shit on Friday. Kind of a personal policy. Hence why I always make sure I have at least one class on Friday. If I didn’t, then Thursday would be like Friday, and I’ll be damned if I could get anything done over a weekly three-day weekend. Hell, I’d take classes on Saturday if I could. ..Yes, I just said that. Would spread things out a bit more. And more time on campus, means more time I spend doing things after class. I only do things before class if I’ve put them off. So I keep that time free for relaxing.

People bitch too much. I know, I bitch, but it’s a matter of personal responsibility. I eavesdrop, I hear people bitch about course content or the teacher. Me, I bitch about myself. I’m masochistic, what can I say? (On top of being misanthropic.) I studied my ass off to earn that 90 on that A&P exam. Yet! I only spent maybe ten hours, tops, studying for it. Studying as the course went along did nothing but make me nervous. I can’t get a feel for the test content, the focus of the material, until a week or so before the test. Certainly not the night before, but definitely a good week.

…Anyway, as much as I did do, there’s plenty I didn’t do. Such negativity, where’s the attitude of “Let’s grab this material by the balls and spank it!” Believe it or not kids, but this course isn’t that hard, and the professor’s good. I’ve been in college long enough to know this. You’ve never been in a classroom where over 50 people have absolutely no idea what the hell the prof is talking about, not to mention over half are asleep.

Aye.

I’m glad I’m continuing with Spanish, mostly because I’m very comfortable with the format of the course. I probably end up doing more spanish homework than anything else, but it doesn’t stress me at all. I do put it off, sometimes, but it gets done. There’s comfort in consistency.

I had the realization that I haven’t written a college-level paper in over three years, let alone a college-level research paper. I remind myself that this is county, and that I can get away with a lot more than I believe I can. I already have the capabilities, I just need the confidence. There’s always the suggestion to find the Writing Center, but I just can’t do it with the right attitude. If I did do it, I’d feel like I was an idiot. I wouldn’t even know what I was asking help for. I think what will help is clearing out all the garbage in my brain, the emotional plaque, from past experiences. The problem with courses where the entire point is to teach you how to write a research paper, is that I ended up having anxiety attacks over what my topic should be. (The observant person will notice how I improperly changed tenses in the previous sentence, but I’m too lazy to use a more formal construction. I am aware of these things as I write.)

My goal at the beginning of this semester was to try. I’ve already proven to myself that I have enough fire to grab a topic by the balls and throw myself into it. Making it up as I go along works rather well, even if it’s the same process I’d be told to do anyway. Less pressure in doing what you believe comes naturally. So I suppose that’s what I’ll have to do for the papers. Invent a process. Just decide to do it.

I’m hungry. I have spanish to finish, and a book to spank. Excuse me. For those curious about my typing speed, it is now 4:55 PM.