A Feminine History of Timmy.

As I stated in the previous entry, I have no reason to sleep. I could sleep. I really could, couldn’t I? But, nah. I feel like there’s more my mind wants to dump. So I will pretend I’m just talking to myself. Like I’m pacing in my room. I did that a lot this afternoon/evening, before leaving my room. I’m listening to System of a Down. I seem to only listen to them when I’m feeling down. RAMMS+EIN, on the other hand, I can listen to in any mood.

Given recent events, it feels like a chapter of my life has ended. What could have been a beginning turned into closure for an intense relationship. Now’s the time when I prode my memory to see what it can remember of the past. When I forget things, they’re gone. But other memories, well, they last forever. Emotions, smells, carasses; they last forever. What happened a week ago, I couldn’t tell you. But where I was five years ago, I could gather a more accurate picture.

I remember being in 8th grade when my sister asked me whether I liked anybody. Teased is more like it. I denied any specific interest in girls, more like I was waiting for something to happen. (The story of my life, I tell you.) She thought I was hiding something, so she pounced on me. But, I was telling the truth.

… I need to mention something. Dan gave me this RAMMS+EIN DVD before I left for Indiana. It has all their videos and some live shows on it. It rox0rs. I love the original Du Riechst So Gut video. It’s so cheap, it features Til’s own dog. It even has the Funkmaster Flex glasses/goggles. They had no budget, so they’re all nakie. What amuses me the most is the translation of the song. Du Riechst So Gut means “You smell so good.” Now imagine somebody with a really low voice saying “You smell so goooooooooooood.” …Okay, maybe you’d have to hear the song to understand. I’m amused.

Oh, and the FlakeDance. The guy on keyboards is the token scrawny guy in the band. The one live show in AussieLand, “Big Day Out”, Flake gets up and starts dancing. ..It’s hilarious. Flake is my hero. He reminds me of Revenge of the Nerds.

Anyway, girls. I guess my interest in girls really is like the rest of my life. I didn’t know what I was supposed to want in a girl. How can you at that age, anyway?

I was fifteen when I had my first crush. It was a big deal for me. So much so that I took up journalling in a serious way. I had haphazardly started a journal at the end of my freshman year of High School, but lost interest when I worried too much about what I was supposed to write about. Or something. Actually, it was because the notebook was running out of pages, and I wanted to conserve pages. I’m such a dumbass, sometimes. I got another journal around March 1998 and decided to document this event in my life. It’s fascinating to go back and read that. My thoughts seems so primitive and raw. As if I’m unaware at all of what I’m saying. That was, what, six years ago? Six and a half.

I guess I needed somebody to pine over. So I pined over Jeannine. I quickly recognized that I was too chickenshit to do anything about it. I resigned myself to ineptitude and admired her from afar. Nothing ever came of it. I’ve gotten to know her a little bit since then and she’s actually a pretty cool girl. She’s still on my buddy list and we chat every now and then. After all, who else is she going to talk to about handjobs?

I remember that brief crush I had on Erin. Second day of Junior Year, she caught me as I was walking to my busstop. She offered me a ride. I met her the previous schoolyear on the bus. She happened to sit next to me one day and pretty much vented to me. I’m good like that. Thing with Erin was that she had two boyfriends at the time. Inadvertantly. The two guys were actually friends, so… Hell, it doesn’t really make sense to me. One thing that I’ll remember forever is when Erin announce in a now defunct diner that what’s-his-name had dyed his pubes green. Right when the waitress walked over. I had already deduced this fact and I can still remember the color from this green fuzzy she had on her keychain.

Talk about long-winded.

I had met Angel the previous year, but was otherwise oblivious to any positive reaction she had to me. It was only later, rereading my journal, that I realized how long she wanted me. Hmm. Angel wanted me, I wanted a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. That sounds about right. Of course, I fell for her. Badly. I remember that Saturday when we hooked up. Hooked up, is that the correct slang? I didn’t kiss her until the next week, but that was the day I asked her out. September 25, 1999. 7:26 PM. I’m a slick shit for checking my watch.

I first kissed her on September 29, 1999. It was pretty intense. …Not sure what else to say about that. We got more physical on October 1, 1999. Hey, it was the first day I felt pussy. I liked it. She had a fluffy triangle and shaved her labia. Which messed me up for some time after. She did a really good job shaving. So for a long time after, I had no idea how much hair is “supposed” to be down there.

We never did take our clothes off. We were both too shy. Kind of cute, now that I think back upon it. We had a mostly physical relationship, despite the fact that those were the only two times we saw each other outside of school. Oh, I tried. Things just came up. I guess it was an odd time in both our lives. I was infatuated with her. I remember once calling her just to say that I was thinking about her and missed her. Unfortunately, I was so infatuated with her that I hadn’t anything else to say. …*laughs*

I was quite depressed after Angel, which lasted for most of Junior Year. After Angel, I was ashamed that I had gotten so physical, so fast. I don’t think this was truely satisfied until Elena. I’ll get there.

There was Laura, somebody I’m embarassed I had anything to do with. She asked me out after we were flirting heavily and it was clear I liked her. (I bit her finger in the course of flirting. It was so obvious.) We had a single date. I remember kissing her on the lips once, no tongue. It felt so empty. Yet, it was she that dumped me a day or two later, giving me some bullshit about friendship. I wasn’t pissed that she had dumped me. I was more pissed that I actually liked her. Given a month, I felt nothing. I think I dated Laura simply because of how we flirted, a mistake I was to repeat with Shannon.

Shannon. She was probably still on the rebound from her first boyfriend when I got to her. I seemed to have remember who she used to be, but she had obviously changed? Hell, I don’t know what interest I had in her. Through three weeks, she showed me little respect and even once told me she was embarassed by me. Thankfully, I have yet to let a girl that immature grace my presence. I never kissed her, I’m proud to say. It never felt right. I think I dated her because of some silly notion that we had been friends for a while. For what, a few months? Ha.

That was Junior Year. How melodramatic and sentimental of me.

Then there was Rachael, my first online crush. She also started a trend where I liked girls a bit younger than myself. Believe it or not, at 16 turning 17, I was still a bit of a n00b to AIM. I’ve had computers since I was 8, but it wasn’tuntil Senior Year that I got heavily into IM. Before then, beyond a short-lived but enjoyable friendship with Pretentious Max, I hadn’t anybody to talk to. *smiles*

Anyway, Rachael lied about her age and said she was 14. I had a single picture, which was beautiful. Bitch. *laughs* She’s the type that hates when people claim she’s not smart. …Yeah, okay, whatever. I’m betting she’s the type Poptart would make fun of, if Poptart ever saw her on OD. Then again, Poptart makes fun of a lot of ODing people, so I guess that isn’t saying much. I digress. We had a month-long correspondence via IM and she lost interest in me when school started again in September.

Who else… I thought I had a string of crushes Senior Year before going clean for a while. Well, maybe not a string. I had a short-lived crush on Carolyn that ended the moment I told her about it and she said she had no interest in me. I’ve been able to have a rather nice friendship with Carolyn. I take comfort in the fact that she will never, ever have any interest in me. It’s secure? It’s secure. I can talk about girl things knowing she will never, ever be a jealous shallow bitch. *smirks*

For the rest of Senior Year, I liked nobody. It was freeing. While I had my moments here and there, I was happy. I was happy and single. It was what I wanted. As much as I’d mock the system, I was enjoying High School. Then I got shipped off to college, and the rest is history.

Angel and I were in the same gym class Senior Year, and I had the illusion of closure when we got along. Well. When I felt nothing. I was around her and felt nothing.

She got my SN from a mutual friend (whom I don’t like all that much). She IMed me and… I suddenly had a venue to ask all the questions I never could. All this thinking about the past stirred something in me. I felt something. I felt what I had felt before. Two years, yet the feeling was the same. Sometimes, I think all girls incur something different within us. Not better or worse, just different. We agreed to meet at a mall. I promised myself I wouldn’t kiss her yet. I didn’t. We met there and… I felt it. I ended up hugging outside a JCPenney while her friend was in her car on a cell phone. As the sun-set. I think that scene was rather romantic. Her friend thought we were making out. We weren’t.

We redated for a few weeks only to realize that the spark was gone. That was the closure I needed. To know we wouldn’t have gone anywhere, anyway.

Now we’re up to December 2001, when I met Elena. I’ve skipped the whole meeting Emily thing, as I never had any serious emotional interest in her. It was only a matter of weeks before I realized I might like her. I repressed this notion and pursued a genuine friendship with her. Around May 2002, I realized I couldn’t hold back my feelings. So I let myself feel a little bit. I liked her. I confided in one of her friends about it, and she knew it would only be a matter of time before it happened. We were to meet late August 2002. I had a choice whether to tell her before or after we meet. I decided to tell her so she’d have time to adjust.

She liked me back. Our friendship continued as usual. We met sometime after my birthday. I remember noting that we spent around 80 hours together in the span of a week. We made a connection. I believe on the third or fourth day, we had our first and only major make-out session. I was her first kiss. I went slow. I considered feeling her up. I even asked out loud if I could. She said it was up to me. I decided against it. I couldn’t take her innocence. She was really innocence. I guess a part of me liked that. The lot of you know how out-there I am. Elena is a very open-minded individual. She can take me. She just .. wasn’t ready. I hope her future boyfriends give her the respect she deserves.

I love her. I loved her. I had just turned 19, and she was about to turn 16. I’m not all that afraid of commitment. With me, it’s either all or none. I’m either with a girl for the long-haul, or not at all. Elena couldn’t quite fathom how we’d have a romantic relationship long-distance. So, for whatever reasons, she disappeared on me right before her birthday. Her birthday is October 4. And aside from sparse contact here and there, that was the end of one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. She was easily smarter and more mature than any of my previous girls. She was smart, I liked that.

I guess born of Elena’s unwillingness to commit, I wanted somebody that was willing to do what it took. Enter Sharon. She left an entry saying how she hadn’t had a good email correspence in a while. I emailed her in typical Timmy fashion. That went on for a month. Things turned erotic. We talked on IM and… Well, we agreed to meet to see where we’d go. I guess I got the feeling from her that we’d do what it took to have a relationship. Given how she handed her next (and current) relationship, I think I had a good read on her.

I don’t feel like going into what happened with her, after what happened the last time I talked about it. Sharon and I had a mutual split, I’d say. I later realized that we were forcing a relationship, trying to make things happen. That’s not how it should be. Relationships just happen.

Sharon was my 2003 romance, I guess. Making Paige my 2004 romance. She just happened. We just happened. We met May 2004. Before I knew it, she was professing her love for me and I was packing for Arlington. I wasn’t immediate in saying that I loved her. It’s something I take seriously. But once I was sure how I felt, it never changed. She gave me the serious relationship I’ve always wanted. Much like every relationship in the past had it’s requisites, it felt like everything I’ve experienced in the past was to prepare me for her. In a way. I gave her my virginity and have no second thoughts about it. At the very least, she gave me a sex life that will be hard to top. Yet despite that, I recognize how overplayed the sexual aspect was. And because of how good the sex was, I can say how I don’t really need sex to be happy. It’s nice being intimate with somebody, but I don’t need sex to do it.

It’s hard to say right now what I’ll want out of my next relationship. There are a lot of things I’ve learned from Paige. Needs. I know now more than ever what I need from a girl. It’s hard to summarize all of it right off the bat. If nothing happens until then, I’ll have a lot of food for thought when DataATimmy comes along. Perhaps it’s best to keep my thoughts on that to myself so I don’t jinx myself. Don’t want to say I need a non-sexual relationship and end up dating a frigid girl. Though, I doubt that will happen. Hey, I have needs.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see what girl comes along. But, life isn’t that way. As much as the events of life influence what we realize we need in life, I can’t sit around waiting for things to happen. I do know that every girl I’ve met is different. Every last one has her own unique personality. Her own cute querks and annoyances. I guess I hope I meet a girl with whom I can share my spare time with more easily. I mean. Heh. A girl that doesn’t mind sitting around playing video games. That’s pretty simple.

Eh, whatever.

This entry could have been a lot longer, but I tried to be concise for the sake of attention span. Some of you may remember A Brief History of Timmy. When I start going about in great detail, well, who knows when I’ll be done.