A ‘Brief’ History of Timmy, Part VI

I haven’t even mentioned lunch, yet. Freshman Year, I actually sat alone, for a time. It didn’t bother me the slightest. Okay, so maybe it did. Eventually, I joined a table with Sweaty Stallion, and two rather annoying characters. There was this guy in that lunch period that… Okay, he was FLAMINGLY GAY. And. Um. He hit on me. And. It SCARED ME. I wasn’t in touch with my gayness yet. I had nothing against gay people but uh, if a girl hit on me like that, I probably would have been scared, too.

Sophomore Year, I remember sitting with Silva and a bunch of.. people. Heh. Our table merged with a table of Freshman girls. I think because Lou wanted one of them. (Actually, I’m sure of it. It was Tina. The boobless wonder. She is pretty hot. And she has no boobs. BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER!) One of the girls wore a “Norm” janitor’s jacket, which she had obviously bought from Hot Topic. Her name was Angel, but I had my attention elsewhere.

On March 6th, 1999, I began my second journal, with a single purpose in mind: “Due to lack of paper in my first journal, henceforth, this notebook will contain my “Memoirs” (Thanks Sweaty Stallion). Just when I thought my revelations could end, I realized my own futility. I never will get the guts to ask out Ariel.” That’s her TimmyName, by the way. What happened with my first crush? Absolutely nothing. I didn’t know how to talk to girls, or anybody else, for that matter. For the first time in my life, I felt something for a girl. And, I liked it! Every day, I thought “Today will be the day.” And every day, I’d see her walk by in the halls before homeroom. I’d see her in English. Why did I like her? I could probably justify it at the time, things I liked about her. I’ve learned that there are no real reasons for liking people.

This was the year of the Columbine incident. I remember flipping past it in the news, thinking nothing of it. In school, people joked that I was in the Trenchcoat Mafia. That says something, right there. One, that people are mean. Two, that I was starting to act a little wacko. Silva would say to me, “Tim, you’re a woman.” Naturally, that pissed me off. Eventually, I started to say, “Only on Tuesdays.” Know what happened? I eventually started to look forward to Tuesday. Eventually, anything anybody said towards me, I embraced. Well, except for when they said that I farted out condoms. Laugh if you will, but I hadn’t embraced my inner gayness yet.

Silva was an annoying little shit, I think I’ve established that. But, I think I know when he started to lose interest in me. It was in homeroom. I don’t even remember what he was doing, but he was pissing me off. To the point where I stood up, with my fist clenched. He cowered. Understand something: Silva is backs down to no-one. He’s short, and as such, has an inferiority complex. He and Shawn Meadows have stood up for me on a couple of occasions. I may not have been able to talk to him about personal shit, but that’s real friendship. Anyway, after the day I spazzed out on him, it felt like he wasn’t as annoying towards me. I dare say I missed it.

On the bus, I typically kept to myself. Listened to my walkman and stared out the window. (I have to listen to Cool Music sometime, right?) One day, this girl next to me. Don’t know why, but she did. She started talking to me. Well, less towards me, more bitching at me. She was clearly stressed. I listened, of course, though I was confused why she was telling all that stuff to me. Her name was Erin. She had long hair, which reminded me of the texture of my own hair. After that day, she’d sit with me and.. bitch. *laughs* I didn’t mind, I enjoyed her company. I did wonder, “Why me?” I looked around, and did discovered she had a boyfriend. Maybe there’s something comforting about that quiet kid on the bus that just listens to you without passing judgement, without knowing anything else about you other than what you tell him. Erin got her license and.. that was that, I was alone on the bus, again.

Sophomore Year ended, and I stilled like Ariel. I proceeded to sleep in every morning, daydreaming about her. Of course, I had real dreams up the wazoo about her. I squeezed every ounce of joy I could get out of that crush I had on her. By the end of the summer, I knew I couldn’t go after her again. I’d let it go. I remember the first day of US History I, Junior Year. We locked eyes, like we had done so many times the year before. It was more acknowledgement than anything else. I didn’t pester her. In August, I randomly had two dreams with Erin in them, which surprised me.

First day of Junior Year was marked by everybody in Foods thinking I was a freshman. Was I really that invisible? I wore my I Hate This Town shirt, contributing to the believe that I was new to town. I guess by then I consciencely perpetuated the black motif. End of Sophomore Year, in gym, someone pointed out that I was wearing all black. I had on black shorts for gym. And.. I apparently had a lot of black shirts. Is it my fault that the shirts I want come in black? *shrugs*

I was walking to the bus stop, on the second day of Junior Year, when a car pulled up to the car. A voice I didn’t recognize said, “You want a ride?” Discarding everything I had been told about not taking rides froms strangers, I looked inside the car. It was Erin. She had cut her hair and spiked it, as she said she was going to do. In the car, I noticed we were listening to the same song. “Push Upstairs.” Erin single-handedly got me into Underworld. She talked about them so much on the bus, I had to see what all the fuss was about. I had no idea it was techno. But, I liked it!

Arriving at the lunch table, Lou announced that Angel liked me. Understand something, Lou is not somebody you should always take at his word. He’s someone you think will end up dead in five years. Angel was rather animated at shutting him up. I didn’t take him too seriously. But I did make a mental note of it. I later recalled that it was Angel who flagged me down on the first day of school.

Erin gave me rides to school, which was a newfound luxury to me. I quickly met her friends and was mildly accepted. I was Erin’s “Junior friend”. Oh yeah, Erin was in the grade above me. Small fact. Due to me being the Junior kid who rides with Erin, I was invited to social events, another new thing for me. Fittingly, I started my third journal around this time.

The first social event was on September 10, 1999. (Note: I was very conscience of the so-called 9-9-99 glitch.) Erin said we’d go diner hopping. We went to Fireside Diner. On that day, I met Kevin. Kevin was not Erin’s former boyfriend, but they sure were friendly with each other. (Erin’s boyfriend was Jean.) Kevin asked me to tell me about myself. I froze. What was I to say? I said something to the effect of, “I’m nobody, I’m a loser.” Erin said that I wasn’t a loser. They both alluded to the fact that Kevin had dyed his pubes green. Just when the waitress appeared behind me, Erin said loud enough for the entire diner to hear, “Kevin dyed his pubes green.” Nice to know, something I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.