What I know

I tried to meditate today. The only thing that happened was I was still enough to not be able to ignore my sadness.

It has lingered, and I have been able to push it down and away, but it is getting to compact. It starts to brim over. It’s there, and all it takes is ONE moment of silence for it to surface. At work I will just drift off, and all the SHOULDs of my life flash by. What SHOULD be right now.

I know what each hormone in my body does to me. I know this is an estrogen week, and it sucks. Progesterone isn’t much better. Leutenizing hormone does tend to lift the spirits, but it doesn’t last nearly long enough. I’m pissed that I know this, and sad.

I’m just fucking sad, and I promise no one gives two shits unless they are covered by your insurance and the co-pay has been paid. I promise you sadness has an expiration date.

I’m tired of it, it lingers. There seems to be nothing I can do about it.

I’m not far from being done with trying to have a kid. It’s just too fucking much. Grief is not a place you can spend this much time. I can push through anything, this included, but it’s just starting to seem pointless.

Until Next time

later