NoJoMo #19

I haven’t felt this bad since before Wellbutrin. I’m thinking it must be the clomid. I feel horrible. My back is unusually painful, my lady regions hurt. Not bad painful just uncomfortable at times. I should not be "aware" of everything that is going on in there. It is slight but enough to not want to have sex 🙁 Not having sex is exacerbating things. It will only get worse over the next few days, then if it’s like last month ovulation will hurt. This shit is just getting better and better.

I’m sure the changing of the seasons is not helping. There was NO sunshine today, clouds, overcast, sucked.

I’m just so fucking depressed right now. I know rationally what is going on. I’m so fucking irritable but what is different about this is that I make NO attempt to bite my tongue. I don’t give a rats ass who I piss off with what I say, especially the Gent. I swear if he said he wanted a divorce right now I wouldn’t fight it, just ask who is leaving and when. Just so I don’t have to interact at all with anyone. I want to punch the dog in the head.

Then with this kinda shit going through my brain, in the back of my head i think, a kid would be a total pain in the ass right now. That’s when you start to question if you even really want them. A screaming toddler refusing to take a bath, go to bed, eat , or let you change a diaper would not go well with this mood. I think about the fact that I haven’t slept well for the last two nights, I feel tired, worn out, I think it will be a thousand times worse with a newborn, beyond what I can imagine. My back is wrecked right now, it will only get worse with pregnancy and carrying kids.

Did I mention the clomid also gives me "visual disturbances". They wear off for the most part a little while after waking, but when I first get up everything I look at leaves a "trail", EVERYTHING. It’s starting to wear off but I have horrible blurred vision after reading for a few minutes.

Can I bitch some more?

The holidays depress me as well. 

The Gent’s daughter called him and told him he was invited to Christmas up in New York……..on my birthday. He can go, I’m not going. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t care much for his kids. The youngest is a drama queen bitch, the oldest is starting to turn into a real prick, and well the middle one will not talk to him. So let me drive 10hours to chill with his kids and his ex wife. Not gonna happen.

I can’t even wrap my fucking head around how ackward that would be. Then the Gent is like,I can’t go, it’s your birthday. That would float like a turd in a punchbowl. They already don’t think much of you, skipping christmas for my birthday would not help his case.

Why do I want kids? The second set will be better.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Until Next time

later

Well I’m a little better. I’ve only been up for a half hour, but so far so good. When the Gent came to bed he said "i’m sorry today sucked", that simple and I didn’t want to choke him anymore. So we cuddled and life was a little bit better. Short work week, kinda. I’m off Thursday. We are skipping Thanksgiving stuff so we are doing acupuncture instead.

Blah. Off to work I go.