IVF

I have not had a conversation with my doctor yet. My HCG is down to zero, now I just have to call him back and have the "what next" talk.

After doing an injectable cycle, I cannot tell you how less scary IVF is. Sure the egg retrieval sounds a little intimidating, but I’ll be drugged. The shots are a breeze, more so than I would like to admit. As long as they are sub Q, IM shots would suck ass, but I’d survive.

I’ve been researching all day, trying to wrap my head around realistic expectations, and what kind of questions to ask. It would be spring before we tried I’m sure, but the best part, is I think we can use The Gent’s sperm. I looked at him the other night with his brown eyes and curly hair and thought about how cool it would be to have his kid. A kid that looks NOTHING like me, but with dimples.

Hopes are up, I must reel them back in.

Knowing that my insurance covers 90% up to 20K is what makes this even an idea that I can think about. I still will be out thousands of dollars, but I’m going to apply for a credit card with 1.5% cash back, then I can get a personal loan or something to pay that off. Just bouncing financial ideas around.

Anywho, IVF might be next. The one thing I NEVER thought I would do. Humph. I can’t help but think about the irony. The guy with the vasectomy has better chances of making good babies than me and my young rotten eggs.

Random: I saw my asshole ex in Wal-Mart. Have not seen him in 8+ years or more I think. I passed him in the aisle, we smiled at each other as strangers, then I realized who it was and said "hey"….we both kept walking.

Then I had this..oh shit….rush over me. I went to my yarn aisle and was freaking out. Like what the fuck if he figures out who I was and comes back to talk. I have gained some weight, but most importantly I have cut ALL of my hair off. He grew a beard, and his nose was most recognizable.

I freaked and left and found the Gent.

Then I went back….cuz I really needed yarn. He walked by again, and we looked at each other again, I could tell he recognized me then, but kept walking. Then a few minutes later he walked by again. At that point it was weird and I left.

I can’t tell you how I felt. I think I could have handled an actual small talk interaction….. but it would have been weird. I feel like I have forgiven him, and I have for sure moved on. I could hold a conversation with him, but I feel like I would feel fucked up for NOT hating him. I guess I’m over the anger towards him at this point. The last interaction we had was many many years ago when he mailed me a letter saying he still loved me and thought about me….. My response was I hoped he never treated anyone as bad as he treated me.

There is nothing left there, but our past is so…… intense & passionate & confusing, it was always hard to tell where the raw passion ended and the pure hate began. That’s not a good combination to try to put into words during a random and superficial small talk conversation at Wal-Mart. I could never sum up to anyone in a few words what the fuck we had.

It was 5 years with someone with…like….anti-social personality disorder or some shit. No words, couldn’t do it justice.

If he showed up at my job unexpected there is a 50% chance he would be there with roses and an engagement ring and a 50% chance he would show up with an assault rifle and an extra clip.

Done random obsession before it gets weird.

IVF….think about it.

Until Next time

later