In general

I’m sad. It’s a hard feeling for me. Feeling intermittently tearful with no seeming control over it. Finding yourself crying at dumb shit, realizing you maybe need to stay secluded for a little bit longer. I have yet to let it go. Just random tearful moments. I just need to get out into the woods at let it go, feel it, think through it, find some kind of peace.

I have spent the day researching foster adoption. I’m all for the adoption part, but don’t think I could handle straight up foster kids until I had one to call my own first. I don’t think I could continue to put myself through the cycle of loss and pain without at some point reaching my ultimate goal of parenthood first. Unfortunately I have realized that I am able to push through and somewhat handle an immense amount of pain and heartache. I just can’t handle not having anything in the end so show for it.

This makes me question my relationship. Not as much as I would have years ago, but still I have to wonder what life would be like if I had taken an easier path. Being with someone close to my own age, with sperm. Now I find myself in a position if even if I was with someone my age, with healthy strong sperm, I probably still wouldn’t get pregnant, so who the fuck cares now.

My peace is always dependent on some future event that I don’t feel like I have any control over.

Am I so fixated on what I think I want, am I oblivious to reality?

Will it be worth it?

What sucks……..Well let me clarify, one thing that sucks is the daunting idea of getting references to go through with this. I know I have people I could ask, but I have secluded myself from EVERYONE for over a year. I can barely stand to be around people because trying has been so intense and consuming. I have had no energy for other people, I have had no interest in other relationships. The only relationships I have been able to maintain are superficial and safe. I’ve only been able to be around people who won’t ask if I’m pregnant yet, or people who are capable of respecting the delicate dance this takes. A gentle balance between caring and never imposing on my privacy. People who can understand all the despair I can muster in one uttered sentence, and never ask another question.

This very moment I love my husband plenty. A man who is only feet away, who surely knows I am crying, but won’t impose trying to fix what he knows he can’t. Finding a place you feel comfortable crying is priceless in life.

Damn this all. I miss not trying honestly. I had a three month break, and it was nice. I wish I could find some peace with NOT trying. If I was 100% sure adoption would work out, I don’t even think I would try anything again.

UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Until Next time

later

On another random note: My nipples expanded during my five minute pregnancy, I find it very unfair that they have yet to return to normal.