2013…bite me

So…Officially

2012 and 2013 can BITE MY ASS! A big fat FUCK YOU, you punk ass mother fuckers!

I find comfort in profanity. I think my turning point has been going outside a few nights ago and just lashing out at the stars. I really don’t know what I was lashing out at, the universe, GOD, whatever. It was a big fat "fuck you mother fucker" fest. It felt good, to just have a frank conversation with the cosmos. FUCK YOU!

I spent some serious time tonight reflecting on the last two years, reviewing my journal. Reviewing my failure, the hope, the battle, the journey, the despair, the pain, the ups and the downs.

I find myself blank, emotionless, numb, empty. I’ll take it over the pain, deep, throbbing, relentless pain. The type of pain that people shy away from, the type of pain that is so deep and strong that you don’t care if people shy away, because it is your existence. I don’t have the energy to guard others anymore.

I used to try to guard people from what I am feeling, sugar coat it, hide it with twisted humor. Sometimes it is so strong there is nothing else to do but throw it out there, and let it slap others in the face. Fuck it, you will never feel it like I do.

So, that is not how this was supposed to go.

I think back to November, when I was so full of peace and hope. I feel as though I finally found a vibration that would allow a child to bind with me. I think back to how peaceful I felt, how calm. I take myself back to that. A child passed through me, and was ushered into energetic existence.

I feel honestly, deeply that I was able to will a child into existence….although temporarily. I feel like I did everything right, I did nothing wrong. There is no guilt associated with this pregnancy, I did nothing wrong, everything was going right, this one should have worked. I can do this again.

I want to remain hopeful, although I’m not sure that is what I am.

I can’t help but be depressing to other’s senses, and I don’t care.

This year………

I want to wake up hopeful, happy, willing to continue. I want to love and be loved. I want to strive, hope, desire without pain. I want to be released from suffering. I want to usher in life, real life, life that I can hold in my arms and smile at. I want to be amazed.. I want to be shocked with the shear amazement that I feel. I want to be left in awe. I want to be left speechless with joy. I want to feel warmth in my arms. I want to feel joy in my heart. I want to embrace life, I want to love it, hold it, cherish it, look forward to it, desire it.

I want to release fear and pain. I want to let go of images of what I should be. I want to release pain and suffering. I want to just let go. Let the fuck go.

It is so strange to feel so raw, but the life I live right now is so raw, let me be split open to the point of comfort in my surrender.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Let 2014 be awesome….please.

This or better

Until Next time

later