wtf-ever (pg-13)

So, I suppose that I was somehow unclear how excited or important this coming Sunday was because NO ONE seems to understand that I was excited and that it was important to me.

This is my 3rd child, yes. And I’m, once again, in an unhealthy situation regarding this pregnancy. I’m single. Poor. Jobless. Blah blah blah. But damnit I wanted to make this one special. The last two were rough too. I was in the same (with different circumstances) place with them. Unwed, poor, etc. I didn’t get to (decide to) do all the fun new mommy stuff b/c it just seemed pointless. I figured one day I’d be able to have all that. I’d be married, happy and pregnant and having all that entails. Well, guess what, life doesn’t turn out the way we hope so I’m not. But oh well.

Now, it turns out, it doesn’t really matter any damn way whether I would have decided to do all this or not. No one gives a shit. I wanted this to be special because I have decided to get myself ‘fixed’. This is it. No more babies. Ever. And I wanted all that fun baby shit. I wanted the stupid party games and pink (or blue had it been a boy) baby decorations and people paying attention to me. I’ve never had a fucking baby shower. I’ve never been able to enjoy that side of being pregnant. And now, guess what, I’ve got more stress from TRYING to have it than I would have had just being poor and useless having another baby alone and on fucking welfare.

No one is coming. Ok, fine, not No one. But practically. I think I’ve got a whopping guest list of 5. And most of them have other things they have to rush off to quickly afterwards. It’s just not fucking fair. My feelings are hurt and I’ve been fighting off hormonal tears all god damn day.

I made up, designed and printed off these really pretty baby shower invitations. I sent them to 30 mother fucking people. 30 mother fucking god damn son of a bitch people. I knew some of them wouldn’t make it. Hell, some of them live in other states. But five??????????? Give me a break. And, no, your fucking excuses aren’t working. I don’t give a shit. I gave you enough notice. I asked you to RSVP. And when you didn’t, I FUCKING CALLED YOU TO SEE IF YOU COULD/WOULD COME. But instead of a response, I got nothing. Some of you didn’t even bother to answer my calls or emails.

I planned stupid games and made a god damn pink cake. I even bought fucking prizes for the winners of the games. Stupid little fucking prizes. And I did it all with little to no help. I didn’t even get a fucking hosted baby shower. I had to work at this alone. Planning and buying and all that shit. But it was ok, because it was important to me. What the fuck was I thinking?!

Well, it’s nice to know how important I am. Fuck you. I had my other two babies without all this hoopla and I guess this one is the same. Fuck.