who turned out the light at the end of the tunnel?

Ok, I think I can almost call this hell. (yeah, I have a lot of “hell” situations… what of it?)

<begin disclaimer> This is going to be a massive complaining entry, so if you’re not up to having me shit on your day, by all means, do not keep reading. <end disclaimer>

Things don’t seem like they could get any rougher. Mostly financially, but other areas are hurting, too.
We are finding out what it means to be ‘down to the last dime’. I’ve been strapped financially before, everyone who knows me knows that. I’ve spent a lot of years poor, and I don’t mind that truly, but it has never been this stressful before. That’s probably a symptom of my old apathy now that I think about it. I never really cared about money or making ends meet before. I always just ‘knew’ they would work out, one way or another, and they did. Of course, they usually met by me mooching off of the wonderful people in my life. I don’t know.
We had that awful electric bill and we’re also being garnished for a gross amount of money. Something like 30% of Joe’s paycheck every week is gone. Just gone. To some asshat dentist who didn’t have the decency to be forthright with Joe about what insurance would cover. We haven’t paid August’s rent; the landlord is pissed, understandably. We haven’t paid the gas bill; god only knows how long they’ll put up with that. We haven’t paid the internet; I expect that’s gone in a day or two. We went ahead and let the home phone get shut off since we are lucky enough to have my dad’s cell phone. I am currently looking at a list of groceries (b/c we have nothing!) that’s almost 2 pages long and trying to debate the thought of driving an extra 6 or 7 miles to a neighboring town to do the shopping at one of those discount grocers. I have to weigh out the savings vs. the cost of gas, which we also cannot afford. I literally bought gas yesterday w/ change.
“Yes, I would like $1.94 on pump 2, please.” -intentionally ignore the look of absurdity from the cashier-
The kids need school supplies. I was able to pick up a few of the necessities (I.e. Pens, paper, etc) but they have this “required” trapper keeper thingie (wth is the point!) and I can’t find it for cheaper than $10. Yeah, I don’t have $10.
The wedding is in 3 weeks. 3 weeks. I don’t have shoes. We don’t have decorations. Joe has nothing to wear. My besties went it together and got Yani’s dress, bless them. Miles has nothing to wear. Currently, it’s going to be as hillbilly as possible with no decorations, folding chairs and tables of pot luck food. I fucking hate this. I wanted to get my hair done. Something that every bride does… yeah, can’t afford it. I wanted to get a little sun, tanning bed style, so that I don’t look gross and pasty… not gonna happen. I know this is all surface shit, but on top of everything else, it makes me want to die. I’m only half being metaphorical. 🙁
Yani desperately wants something new and cute to wear to her first day of middle school. I should just let her wear her bridesmaid’s dress. ha. I considered hitting the Salvation Army, but part of me hesitates. What if, god forbid, she finds something and some little snot girl at school recognizes it as something SHE gave to the thrift store? I am scared to horrify my darling that way.
Piper is sick. I don’t know with what. I suspect allergies, but my babysitting girl has some kind of infection and we’re unsure if it’s contagious, so I don’t know. And b/c we can’t afford a dr, I can’t exactly take my baby to see if she needs antibiotics. I considered just taking her to the ER and telling the fuckers to bill me… which I of course cannot pay… just to get her checked out. We’ll see how tonight goes before I make that decision.
I just want to sleep. Constantly. I suspect I’m a temporary victim of some depression. I don’t know. If I’m not asleep, I’m angry. Like furiously angry. The poor kids. I’ve been practically ignoring them b/c I figure it’s better than screaming at them. They don’t deserve it; it’s not their fault things suck balls.
My brother won’t return my phone calls. He called me 2 weeks ago to tell me he couldn’t afford to come to the wedding. I told him I’d see what I could do. My father came through like a champ. Offered to pay for his ticket, etc. I’ve been calling my brother now for 2 straight weeks. Numerous times a day. No answer, no return call, nothing. I’m pissed about it. If he didn’t want to come, he should have said that. Not let me worry and fret and figure it out before ignoring me completely. He was supposed to give me away. Bastard.
My dad is coming to the wedding, but that’s just scary. I haven’t seen him in 10 years. Theoretically, my sister is coming too, but she still has to figure out the details, so we’ll see.
We found a cat, as I already told you. That was an up, I suppose. Except, I hate the idea of cats living outdoors, it’s not fair to them in my opinion. But b/c the landlord here is another douche, we can’t have him inside. This pisses me off, too.
I can’t even think of the other things right now. I’ll add more bitching later, k?
~Tia