Lots of stuff and pics

Ok, I am sitting at the computer with a kind of determination to completely update this thing. Every once in a while I go back and read my entries and they read like a really screwed up puzzle! My life has the tendency to be all over the place! 🙂 So, I’m probably going to write a couple entries that update the last couple years a little more clearly, k? 🙂

Let’s see, where to start??

I’m going to go read my last couple entries and see what I’ve written and fill in the blanks on this one….

Ok, I figured it out.

We moved. 🙂 The last week in April we moved into the house I was talking so much about. It’s a 3 bedroom, 1 bath Bungalow on about 1/3 of an acre. There’s a garage and a nice long driveway and 2 Huge evergreens in the back yard. They stand probably almost 3 stories tall but the lowest branches are about 5 feet off the ground and the spread is really wide… which mean they droop to create a neat under area that the kids pretend is their hideout! 🙂 The house has a 3 season porch that (once we clean it off) will contain our patio furniture for morning coffee drinking and Yani’s easel and art supplies. The living room needs some color (everything is drably neutral) but it works for now. Anyone who knows how to cheaply make a slip cover, please share. The dining room is the catch-all right now. We only had one phone jack in the whole house, so we couldn’t put the computer upstairs like we wanted, which means we can’t get Joe’s brother’s dining room set out of storage to put in here (really not quite enough room) so it’s just the little round table we had at the apartment and the computer and then a couple of boxes/bags I haven’t gone through and put away yet. The bathroom is nice sized with floor to ceiling linen closets that are very pretty. They need a couple of shelving units put inside them to be completely functional, but we’re working on that. Then there’s the upstairs… I have to admit we’ve neglected it badly. The only thing that is upstairs is the master bedroom, but we’ve just kind of thrown shit up there waiting for a day to get it all done. We couldn’t fit our friggin’ box springs to our bed up the stairs (low-hanging ceiling) so we’re sleeping on a mattress on the floor… which I kind of hate. And then there’s the kitchen; yes, I’ve saved my favorite for last. The room is awesome. There is brand new ceramic tile, brand new cabinetry, mostly brand new appliances. It’s just a really great room. We’re going to get a little 2 seat bistro table to sit in the room for morning coffee (on cold mornings) and early morning breakfast and, honestly, for just sitting and chatting! 🙂 me heart it mucho.

I am no longer working for the radio station. We talked (& talked & talked etc) about the pro’s and con’s and ultimately Joe left it up to me. So here’s what I determined. Even with the move, financially it was going to hurt for me to be working full time days. We had a gem with our old sitter (price wise and person wise) and we weren’t going to be able to guarantee such luck in a new town. All the daycares we looked into were great, but very pricey (like $50 or more a week more than we were paying) so what we saved in fuel, we’d be MORE than spending on sitter… this doesn’t make financial sense. On another side of it, I was starting to really hate being away from home that much. I’ve never thought I was the SAHM type, and I still don’t think I am entirely, but I love being with my kids more and more all the time. Somethings in my life are changing and I’m learning a lot about growing up, finally. I don’t want to look back and regret having missed some of the greatest moments in their lives b/c I was "living to work" instead of "working to live". So, I put in my 2 weeks notice… and worked 4 more weeks. They totally took advantage of my guilt in leaving so suddenly, I must say. At any rate!

I am, however, working evenings currently. I’m on the look out for something a little more flexible, but it’s alright for now. There’s a local restaurant that I cashier for in the evenings Mon-Fri. I have a feeling though that it’s not going to last. I don’t want to be "indispensable" to a job, right now. I’m getting that "you totally saved us, now we can’t do it without you" vibe from this place and I’m not looking to do that. I want a job where, if I need to stay home, I can and there are 10 other people who can do my job. PLUS I hired on at 20 hours a week and I’m working more like 30… that’s too much. I guess I just want a place that understands that I don’t NEED to work, I WANT to! As long as we agree at the outset what I’m going to be doing and how many hours, etc, I’ll be totally loyal and do my job fantastically, but if things go sour, I’m out. It’s really that simple. *sigh* I don’t know; I may be a total bitch about all this, but it’s how it is.

Joe and I are doing relatively well. We’ve been officially together for about a year and half now. Lived together for almost a year. We set the date (in wet concrete…lol) this week for the wedding. It’s going to be September 6th. I need to run around and get some things in order pretty quickly (i.e. invitations and the location) but all in all it’s going ok. I’ll post the invitation on here (minus locations!!) once I have them done. Yeah, I’m doing them myself… it makes way more sense to me to do them this way. I have all the software know-how to do them and I can pay MUCHO less at, for instance, Staples to get them printed than I would from an invite company. Plus, I can have EXACTLY what I want. I’m shooting for a kind of themed thing, too. I’d like to have a "Rat Pack", Sinatra, cocktails and snacks kind of thing. I don’t know much about it, so it will most likely be NOT very authentic, but, eh, whatever. My dress is tea(or knee, haven’t decided) length and ice blue, so… not exactly traditional… so I figure most of the traditional wedding etiquette junk can go out the window. If anyone has cool ideas to add, please share! 🙂

As far as any Joe and I problems, they come and go. We fight and then make up and then fight and then make up… sadly without any of the make up sex, but eh… I’ve come to some realizations about our sexual compatibility, honestly. The realization being – we aren’t… sexually compatible. 🙂 It’s not really as bad as it sounds, and it’s kind of understandable, I think. We both have had some pretty serious sexual dysfunction in our life and I’ve just wound up in a different place, so far, than he has. After the rape, I was completely apathetic about sex… I had a "whatever, you can have it if you want it, I don’t care" attitude… then came religion *gasp* and I had a "sex is bad unless between a married man and woman, so, even though I indulge, I must feel guilty about it always" attitude (healthy, right?!)… and finally I’ve found myself at a good place! It’s kind of like this…

I am a sexual being. I like it. I like (most) all aspects of it. It’s an emotional bond with someone (in this case, and hopefully from here on out, with Joe). It’s the physical act of love, as well as being a tension and stress reliever. It’s a way to (in a healthy way) escape from the more mundane aspects of day to day life. We should be able to go to our bedroom (or laundry room or bathroom or wherever) and enjoy being with each other and learning and loving and laughing (yay alliteration). It’s not about kids or dishes or bills; it’s SOLELY about the two of us. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to "end" well :). It does, however, need to happen. It’s not about obligation, though; we should WANT to spend that time together. Which is where our paths diverge. It’s about all of that to me, but not to him. He has a million reasons why it’s different, but it boils down to this, I believe. For most of his life, he’s been taught that certain aspects of sex are bad… even in a marriage. Porn, for instance.

(disclaimer ahead) Now, I can totally see someone’s side of "porn objectifies women’ on this subject. However(!), I live, very firmly, by the rule of ‘live your life; I’ll work on living mine’, so even if you have objections on this subject, don’t expect to change my mind. I’ll respect your life and livings and I expect the same respect. 🙂 (end of disclaimer)

So, anyway, he has been raised (taught, brainwashed, whatever) that most aspects of sex are bad/wrong/disrespectful and, while he is a highly intelligent and insightful and thoughtful man, has not figured out yet that these teachings are harmful. For him, sex is very unimportant. Everything (and anything) else has more importance in life b/c we can’t live without those things. He hasn’t figured out (and I haven’t figured out how to explain it) that this is definitely a necessary in life. Not the sex, exactly, but it’s definitely part of it. (day late and dollar short warning: I may ramble a lot and needlessly on this subject) I just can’t figure out why these things are so obviously unimportant to him. This particular subject has caused a lot of arguments and hurtful things to be said. I can’t even bring it up anymore with watching his exasperation! I can count on ONE HAND the number of times we’ve had sex THIS YEAR!! This is not ok. At any rate, it’s definitely not fixing itself. So here’s what I’ve come up with solution-wise. Acceptance. No, no, not the "*sigh*, I’ll just DEAL with it" kind of acceptance… the "alright, we’re not on the same page, but I have absolute faith that you will get here eventually" kind of acceptance. This is NOT a deal breaker for me, people. Sex is important, vital even, but we are a strong and loving family and I am NOT EVEN REMOTELY the kind of woman to walk away just because one little thing is tough or hard. I will do what I can, in the meantime, to be a sexually healthy woman, and he can "look me up" so to speak, when he’s ready for that. 🙂

That should probably be enough on that subject, honestly, I’m starting to feel a little ranty about it and I’m not looking to bore (or gross out some of you) anyone.

As far as other things go:

The kids are doing fantastic. I put Piper up for a cutest baby contest (if you want the link to vote, let me know) and after perusing the competition, I’m sure she’s got it in the bag. 🙂 Ok, ok, I’m a LITTLE biased. But come on, ya’ll know she’s ADORABLE. I don’t think I’ve shown ya her spring pics, yet, huh? lol… ok, they’re down at the bottom. Enjoy.

Ok, I’m going to stop for now… I have an idea that I hope you guys will be amenable to. To help me with entry writing, ask me stuff… anything. I’m a completely blunt kind of girl, ya know, so just ask me stuff and I’ll answer it. Hopefully this will spark some writing juices for me. 🙂

OK PICS!

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