To my daughter

I never know what will cause it to come over me. The depression blanketing me and the sorrow welling up to drown me. Something I hear, or see, or smell, A glimpse of a girl or a whiff of perfume..it starts.

I have four children. On December 18, 1986 the eldest, a daughter Patricia, died. Suddenly, with out warning it happened and the color went out of my life. I received a phone call on the night of December 16th from her secretary. She was at NY Hospital where my daughter had been taken by ambulance. Things were very serious. My wife and I rushed over there and found her in the ER on life support and basically unresponsive. The night seemed never to end and the next morning she was moved upstairs. I spent time at her bedside reading her a new Parker book as we both loved the Spenser series. Then she went into cardiac arrest . When I was allowed to see her again I KNEW …. ..We have an awareness of life and a sense of its lack. She had left us.

The ME s office preempted her for an autopsy as she was a 29 year old Yuppie lawyer in NYC and they wanted to rule out a drug overdose. The autopsy revealed that blood clots had broken loose from a dislocated knee injury and lodged in the lungs depriving the brain or oxygen.

People grieve in recognizable stages. My recovery was deferred due to my excessive drinking. Years passed before I was able to start the process. I can only affirm to others who suffer a loss either death of a spouse, death of a child or even of a relationship that time will dull the pain. It never goes away but does recede into the background and allows us to move on with life. I have accepted my loss and for most days life does go on. Then something happens and the ghosts come slipping back. The cure is acceptance and faith. Religion did not have the answers for me then but over the years has helped. Spirituality did enable me to accept the loss and to return to Religion. My family keeps growing and the laughter of the grand children is the greatest tonic.

I read a poem by Edgar Guest and it comforted me. In fact it helped so much that I passed it on to people who I knew also had suffered a loss. The poem is named ” To All Parents ” and the last verse is printed below:

I fancied that I heard them say: ” Dear Lord, Thy will be done!

” For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.

” We’ll shelter her with tenderness, we’ll love her while we may,

” And for the happiness we’ve known forever grateful stay;

But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we’ve planned,

” We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

Today 30%