In that I win, by losing

I AM SAFE. I mentioned previously that one of my fears had to be winning at a Casino given my addictive personality. I have just returned from a trip to Atlantic City and I have no cause to worry. I am not a fan of the Casino scene but I thoroughly enjoyed this trip because of the people I went with and my reasons for the trip. The old gut wrenching need and feverish excitement were not there nor were they missed. Entertainment was the goal and enjoyment the product of a day spent with family. I confess that I still am an elitist but maintain that the Casinos pander to the lowest denominator of patrons. There is an atmosphere of desperation present in many of the gamblers. I also noted the long lines at the ATMs as people grasped at the money they didn’t intend to spend. People watching has always been a pastime that I do well. This is a holdover from my active days when I was the Omnipotent Being on this planet. The people gambling do not seem to be enjoying themselves. People setting speed records in feeding coins into rapacious slits in machines that only so seldom regurgitate undigested coins. The blank stares of tunnel vision fixed on the changing screen displays of fruit or cards. The noise in the rooms is high yet devoid of conversation but rather only punctuated by curses or desperate entreaties to nameless Deities. I am mentally contrasting the feel of the place with that of a Carnival populated by smiling happy people. These are two separate examples of crowds out for a night of entertainment and fun. People in the Casinos did not seem to be having fun. For them this was a desperate serious business.

Reading this few would think that I enjoyed myself and conversely I did have a great time. I had a good meal; saw an entertaining show: spent a few bucks to support Don Trump and interacted with my friends. I am able to go with a group and do something that is not my choice and my favorite and have fun. I am not self centered as I once was and do play well with others.

Today I saw myself many times over while I people watched. I was in the Lounge being the life of the party big shot with slurred speech. I was the smooth talking lover running my pitch for company. I was the lonely person whose mask had slipped in an unguarded moment The bright side was that I was not really there but just passing through. If we are lucky we change and I am very lucky. The lonely and desperate person has been replaced by a person I can like. I will settle for that and think that I am ahead of the game.

Today 85% (I did lose)