DIGRESSIONS AND REFLECTIONS

I am creeping towards my anniversary of stopping drinking. I first came into A.A. in early January 1989 and lasted for 80 days before I decided to celebrate my new found sobriety by drinking. It made sense at the time. I blew the sobriety into three dry Rob Roys before having a moment of clarity. I feel that this was the last chance I will ever be given. I had finished two and a half drinks before I was given pause and a moment to think. I could see my past and my future in the glass and they were both the same: despair, disgust, pain and self loathing were only some of what I glimpsed. I performed a perverted act that night. I left the bar and left an unfinished drink on the bar. I am convinced that a force outside me intervened that night. Once I start drinking, as I am an alcoholic, I normally do not stop until I run out of time, money or liquor. I feel that a Higher Power was involved.

A good many people in the outset of their A.A. experience had difficulty with the ideas contained in A.A.s Second Step. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves would restore us to sanity.” This was a hurdle of vast dimensions for me. This step implied belief in the G word, God. Not for me. But then in the fine print it mentions a Higher Power as we understood it. Not easy but I might live with this theory I thought.

Because of my night of drinking I had to delay my 90 day celebration. By the time it came and I stood in front of the crowd to get my 90 day pin about 200 days had passed. . It was a Sunday night and it seemed that 500 people were there . I had to say a few words and never have I been more nervous. I got through it somehow and managed to live through it.

The next night when I got home from work there was a small envelope addressed to me in with the mail. It was one that the edges had to be removed in order to open. When I finally did open it I started into a fit of laughing and crying that caused my wife to become alarmed. She is aware I am nuts but generally I do a better job of hiding it. I finally showed her the letter and what it contained. It was a $5.00 refund check from Dewers Scotch. It was then that I recognized the sense of humor behind this coincidence as belonging to my daughter Patricia. She died 25 Months before I joined A.A. and I have become convinced that she is my Higher Power. There have been to many incidences of a like nature for this to be dismissed lightly even if I wished to do so. “As I understood it” is the important clause and this has satisfied me. I feel that if something works, do not try to fix it.

I am filled with gratitude that I have been granted this gift. There are so many people out there who are unable to achieve sobriety and yet I was given this gift. I am not aware of the plan of my Higher Power but feel that I will be informed when the time arises. ‘Till then, Bless you all.

ThomaS