somewhat shattered. [**EDIT**]

so.
this will be messy and short.
…
i feel ….cheated on.
wow, to think…i just….wow.

Me & josh collectively agreed to not talk for a week to just gather our thoughts, emotions whatever.

He told me earlier we needed to talk…

he just told me he slept with someone this past weekend.
…the girl who he cheated on me with when we were dating.

i dont know how to express how i feel.

"i can understand if you don’t want to talk to me for a while…" he said… "i know this will effect us, i wonder if you can trust me, if i can trust myself"

i’m just numb.

i honestly truly don’t know how i feel.
Do i love him enough romantically for this to shatter me and him?
Do i love him enough to attempt a relationship with him?

story of my life…i’ve never been with someone who hasn’t cheated on me in some way.
i dont say that for a pity party…just truth

"Every time i’ve thought about you since then i just, i dont know, i’m ashamed, i guess thats the biggest thing, i’m ashamed, i dont like the idea of hurting you again."

[Edit]

So lets sum this all up in an email i sent to my friend this morning:

Ok so here is the news.

You know how me and josh decided we weren’t going to talk for a little while.

Well i messaged him last night (it had been a week) saying "miss me..Hahaha" and he responded by saying that yeah and we needed to talk about something, dealing with "home". At that moment i knew it was one of two things.

1. Either his parents divorced (which would have been farfetched) or 2. something happened with *J*.
*J* is the girl he actually cheated on me with when we were together back in like 11th grade. They’ve always had something….but he won’t fully admitt it. They were intimate while they dated, etc; we actually had that conversation a week or so ago.

I then sent her the entry i wrote last night.

So yeah…i haven’t fully processed. I told him last night that this is how i deal with things. I hear the "shocking news" process for all of 10 seconds and then emotionally shut down into self-preservation mode. I just then become a numb robot and get the details i need and almost act like it hadn’t happened. I’m slowly beginning to process it this morning….slowly is the key word.

I’m hurt. I’m very, very hurt.I told him last night "She always wins, i know thats what a girl would say but its true" She won in high school when he cheated on me and she stole him from me, and she’s winning now.

I dont know how i feel. I told maria this afternoon that when he told me i was just empty. I think there was a brief moment of sadness but i had already shut down. I wasn’t sad, depressed, angry, happy, anything, just numb.

I dont know what that means. Do i love him? Do i want to be in a relationship with him?

He kept saying how sorry he was, i told him i forgave him, as God had. And i honestly have forgave him, but it doesn’t take the hurt out.

I know we aren’t together right now, he’ single and he can do what he wants.

I guess this is my problem:

WE were trying to figure out how WE felt about EACH OTHER. Trying to decide if we wanted to attempt to work on another relationship together or not. i have feelings for this man, but i dont know what kind of feelings. I know that might sound weird and complicated, and that is exactly what it is.

We were together for a year, He was the first man i had true strong feelings for that had them back for me. We were going to "get married" etc. He was looking at colleges here and we had everything all planned out. Sometimes i still believe if he hadn’t cheated on me i’d be married with like 2 kids by now, seriously. He hurt me pretty badly when we ended.

So because of our past, and because we’ve been able to stay friends….we are so easily comfortable around each other. So its hard to differenciate comfort feelings and old feelings from new ones.

Obviously i haven’t fully processed.

. . .

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 5pt 0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none”>Now my thoughts after the email to Beverly…
I dont know how i feel still.
TO ME…
He made his decision on whether or not he wants to continue to pursue me or not. I dont care how caught up in the moment you are, or that youve made a mistake. If you truly love someone that thought crosses your mind before you ac, especially if you’re going to have sex with someone.

I feel…not good enough.
Weird right?
Maybe thats the mind set of someone who had been cheated on. Like you’re not good enough to keep their attention, their affection, their desire. Nothing. You. Are. Not. Good. Enough. I know those are lies Satan is putting in my head, but they are still there.
I wasn’t good enough for Joseph, I wasn’t good enough for Josh then, i wasn’t good enough for Larry, i wasn’t good enough for Stephen, and now, a double not good enough for Josh…again.

Beverly just responded….
Well wow that’s a lot to take in. first thoughts – you ARE hurt, of course! Even a close FRIENDSHIP would evoke those kinds of feelings when you care about someone and KNOW they are making bad decisions….as much as you want to help them/change it you can’t b/c quite simply it’s THEIR choice ya know? Frustrating as that may be you still have to detach yourself enough to not let it fully root you to where you are? You know? Does that make sense? Also clearly there is some serious immaturity going on in his life. As much as he may portray his desire to want a relationship with you, he is ultimately not wanting to fully HONOR you. IF someone cares for you on such a level, sacrifices would be made and HELD in order for a relationship to come to fruition. Ya know? SO with all that said, I would walk away from this (as best as you can) allow GOD to heal your wounds and allow God to sort through the mess of emotions you are having. Because it IS difficult to know the difference in comfort feelings and TRUE emotional feelings. Amy, could you LIVE without him? If you never spoke to him again, would your heart ACHE? Or would you just be a little bummed??? Ask yourself the tough questions. As a girl once said to me, you ask questions, you get answers. Sometimes they just aren’t always the ones you want