Shuffling…letter

This weekend has been interesting to say the least.
Finished painting my brothers room, started moving his things into his new room, getting maria’s things from her parent’s house and bringing them to mine, putting up Halloween decorations, making my living room into a furniture grave yard, moving mattresses, etc. It has been busy but rewarding. So much to do this week as well and I realize that the pressure that I feel is totally self-inflicted. *sigh*.
Today’s schedule after work: heading to the grocery store, unloading groceries, working out, doing Monday’s cleaning schedule, moving some more of my brothers items, might possibly attempt to tackle the linen closet…but that last one probably wont happen. =)
 
We visited a church yesterday for the second time. I REALLY like this church and could see it potentially being my “home church”, however there is one large factor: distance. It is about 20-30 minutes away from my house, which may not seem like much on a Sunday, and it isn’t. To me however church isn’t just a place you go on Sunday Mornings too, it is a place you invest your life, time, and resources. It could potentially be very hard for me to get involved in a life group that might meet at say, 630-7 and get there on time from where I work, as well as investing fully in people that I do not live near. I honestly don’t know, it’s a lot to think about. There is also another church that is local that we’ve visited once that I really enjoyed and would like to check it out again as well. I haven’t been praying about where God is leading me to serve as much as I should be.
 
This week I am actually heading out to another church (that is 45 minutes away w/o traffic) to visit a youth ministry. My friend is the youth pastor out there and leads about 300-400 students. He knows about my current situation and how I’m questioning my ministry calling and how I’m struggling and invited me to just come sit in the trenches of what he does on a Wednesday night. I think it is a solid and amazingly encouraging invite. It will allow me to “get my feet wet” and to experience ministry in a fresh perspective (as a visitor, not a leader) that I haven’t done in years. This is such a challenging time for me and for my ministry walk. I have no idea, NO IDEA, what God has in store for me…but I know that if I ultimately submit to HIS WILL then my questions and concerns do not really matter.
 
Now, to completely switch tracks, you know because that’s how I roll…
 
I don’t know when the last time was that I mentioned this, probably months & months ago but I have a journal that I keep full of letters that I’ve written over the years (since 2006) to my future husband. This is a journal that I will give to my husband the night before our wedding (I think then, I’m not sure of the timing haha). I remember hearing a Godly woman say that she used to write letters to her future husband and that when she was married it was one of the most beautiful gifts she could give him; and so naturally I started writing to mine. =) I think I might have shared a few letters here and there on my journal, but I don’t share them often or always write the whole letter since they are reserved for someone special. However, since this is my journal and I’m always so open with my life I thought I would share a letter I wrote earlier this year.
 
February 15, 2011
 
My Husband, My Love,
 
One day you will get all of these letters…one day. I’m very humbled right now in the area of love and romance. I’m humbled because I have been stupid in the past (and even present) with how I treat my heart. I’ve given It away so many times that now it is truly dirty and cracked. I believe that is one of the many reasons God has not brought us together. I am not ready. I’m still holding on to false hope from former relationships, and I’m still making dumb daily decisions. It’s almost as if I do not care how it will affect you [but I do care]. I also know that God is calling me into the desert. I need to give this up, to give up the dream of you. That doesn’t mean I will never have you, but I must be 100% willing to let God take this away if it is what HE sees as best, and that is hard for me. Yet I have been playing this game far too long and have been trying to do things my way for to many years. Relationships do not and should not define me. I so often wonder where you are in all of this; if you are struggling as I am or if you are ready and God is just teaching you patience as HE deals with my stubborn mess. I’m honestly not sure, but I know (and I’m learning more daily) that God’s timing is truly perfect. Yet I still continue to struggle. It is like that scripture Paul wrote, “I know the good I ought to do and yet I don’t do it.” That is my life right now, I’m struggling to do good and I know I shouldn’t be struggling. I know right from wrong, I know what ways God should have me act, yet I still selfishly struggle.
I want to be able to give my heart completely to you, but right now I’m struggling to get it back, so lame.
I wonder (often) how you will feel reading these letters. If it will bring you pain because of my stupidity, if you will be happy that God pulled me from all of this mess, frustrated (like myself) that I see the good I ought to do and don’t do it. I know God is keeping us apart (for other reasons too I’m sure) because I’m not ready; I’m just not there. I have a lot I need to re-learn: love, relationships, lust, sex, chemistry, submission, putting God first always, denying myself, and so much more. Learning I suppose is the easy part, but applying that knowledge is hard. This is an interesting season.  
 
Love, Your Wife.</span>
 
So there you have it, some of my heart for you to read. Some of my most intimate thoughts put onto paper.
I don’t know who “he” is, or when I will meet him, or even if I will ever meet him. It could be that God’s call on my life is for me to lay down my desires of marriage and live a life of singleness. It’s a thought I’m still struggling with and needing to turn over to the Lord.
 
Anyways, enough of the heavy (oooooo twilight reference haha)…I hope you all have a great Monday!
 
p.s. I’ll share/post pictures later from the Halloween party and my brother’s room progress!