Remembering

 Remembering….

Going through old facebook notes…thought i would share since i’m feeling them all at this moment : 

"God’s plans are bigger than my own.
 
God knows my heart better than i do. He created my desires and knit them together in my heart.
He knows the moments of my day before i even wake up.
He knows the number of times i will blink throughout an hour.
He knows the number of tears i’ve shed.
He knows how many times i’ve put dirt and shame on His name.
And He loves me more than i could ever love Him.
I serve a mighty God.
I am learning to fall in love with the one who has saved me from the pit of destruction.
He daily saves me.
And i daily trash Him and His love with my actions.

While my heart is still healing, and i still can’t fully grasp the end of something great…i know that I am being held nightly by the one who loves me fully. I remember one night i prayed to feel the Lord holding me at night…because i couldn’t take the emptiness anymore. In that moment warmth washed all over my back and arms. My Jesus was holding me and comforting me.
. . .
One thing will never change with me.
I love hard.
I will continue to love hard.
I will continue to jump in feet first and laugh the whole way under the water.
I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I will continue to be the one God created me to be.
I might be a little more cautious.
I might be a little less trusting.
I might be a little more questioning.
But i have a fearless God.
A loving God.
A jealous God.
A trusting God.
A bold God.
And i will be ok" 
| | | | | 
 
"God i’m standing on air. nothing is beneath me. i get so frustrated sometimes; i have nothing to stand on. nothing but you. and its scary because i don’t see you all the time/hear you all the time. 
i hate the wilderness. 
i hate the desert.
"take me as you find me, all my fears and failures–fill my life again"
GOD so many times i’ve thought i’ve surrendered. 
i hear people say "when i surrendered, fully surrendered God blessed me and took total control". 
i don’t know how.
i thought i had…so many times. 
apparently not. apparently i’m fighting for so much control still, still scratching and clawing for things to have my title on it. 
i don’t know how to be selfless. 
God its so convicting.
its like for one second i stop crying and tears just flood out. 
i don’t know how to change.
i need to change
i want to change
i don’t know how.
i want to be a Godly woman so bad. i’m so full of sin. SO FULL OF SIN. sometimes i doubt you. sometimes i question you. 
how can you love me?
when i don’t even love myself.
…i’m such a terrible mess…
"lead me to the cross, lead me to your heart….to your heart"
i don’t know where to begin.
i hate being spiteful.
i hate being human and full of evil.
sometimes…sometimes i just want to be with you. i’m tired of this earthly crap. tired of this materialistic existence. i just want to see you, and see my parents again. " 
| | | | | | | 
 
"I JUST WANT HIM TO SPEAK TO ME
i know he doesn’t have to
i know i don’t deserve his voice of guidance and reason. 
i know i don’t deserve anything…
its times like these when holding on to my faith is the hardest.
Its times like these when i’m like "really God, really, are you there"
i’m just so tired.
i’m tired of all theses questions
with no answers
i’m tired of telling myself "in the silence is when he speaks the most".
i’m tired of being selfish.
i’m so 
so 
so 
tired of being selfish.
i want to be selfless so much.
thats what i want.
im just not getting there
i want to run my head through a wall.
i want to scratch my eyes out
…i’m tired of worshiping just to sing
i’m tired of praying just to be heard.
i’m ready to feel the purpose again.
and i have no dang idea how to get there
i dont know how to be real anymore

i’m tired of being raw
and vulnerable
i just get stepped on and poked.
i want to be strong
yet i’ve been strong for years and yet i’m so weak

i dont like looking weak.
and that is what i am being right now
i have torn my heart open for all of you to see
i’m hurting
i’m in pain
im trying to Grow
I’m trying to follow God with everything i have. 
I"M TRYING
not always
not always full heartily 
sometimes not for a long time.
but deep deep deep down
where my soul runs deep
and Jesus’ blood runs through my veins 
i desire him., with everything that is in me. "
. . .
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I will always and forever be learning. I will always and forever be me. 
I am emotional.
I am loving. 
I am happy.
I am joyous. 
I am a drama queen.
I AM CONFRONTATIONAL.
I am HIS.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am learning. 
I am not giving up. 
I am a fighter. 
I am sappy.
I am cheesy.
I am deep.
I am a daughter of the Most High King. 
I am loved. 
I am a friend. 
I am a sister. 
I am a lady in waiting. 
I am getting there….
.one.
.step.
.at.
.a.
.time.

My God is loving, patient, brash, blunt, and amazing. I love Him deeply. More than i will love any other. He is my All & All. 

Learning about beauty and love daily….even when i’m not paying attention