Josh….

 Well, here is that update i’ve been meaning to give you. In all honesty i’ve been praying about it but i haven’t fully processed my thoughts. 
I called Josh last wednesday about some stuff that i just needed to talk about, we chatted, somehow started talking about "us" in the past, bla bla bla then we hung up. I texted him…and this is how it played out. 
. . .

Me: i still sometimes think about it

Josh: about what, the shot?
—–the shot he is referring to is that last fall we were trying to figure out if we should give "us" another shot. He royally effed it up by sleeping with the girl he cheated on me with in High School when we were together. Yeah, its a complicated web. 

Me: yeah…just all of the what ifs 

Josh: yeah..i do too, obviously. 

Me: yeah…hmmm

Josh: i find myself wishing i could turn back time. I don’t know…

Me: how so?

Josh: Well, lessons learned or not, certain things might not have happened. But i can’t live back then. 

Me: What kind of things? I’m just curious. 

Josh: For certain, my last endeavor, She’s nothing but trouble, so i wish that i had listened to you and Dad in the very beginning. That would change, too if possible. I guess to simplify it, i would learn from my mistakes, both my own and those of others. 

Me: Well it’s good to learn from the mistakes and move forward it helps you grow. Hmm

Josh: I’m going to be honest: I am having a difficult time moving forward. In fact i don’t know that i could if i wanted to. 

Me: Moving forward from? 

Josh: From what if.

Me: Well…what "What if" are you stuck on? 

Josh: Certainly what might-have-been, but there is still a question of the future as well. What if i somehow regain that lost trust, of somehow sweep you off of your feet? 

Me: Well that would definitely be in the Lords hands…i didn’t know you still felt that way about me. 

Josh: And i know, i sound terribly confused, desperate, and maybe pathetic, but i don’t know if i could just leave you behind. I haven’t had a chance to think through things in a while, so i don’t know .This is one reason i prefer talking versus texting. Things just come out here. I’m sorry. 

Me: Wow…i’m completely speechless…i don’t know what to really say back to that. Of course i think about it…i just.honestly josh you’d have a lot to prove to me, and i don’t mean that to sound harsh…Why are you sorry? I’m not, i’m glad to know how you feel. 

Josh: Sometimes the truth is harsh, and i know that i might have a long way to go. I’m sorry that i just dumped it on you like that. 

Me: Hmm…well i’m about to pass out, and you need to work on your paper…it’s ok no need to apologize i’m glad to know what’s on your mind. 

Josh: Although it did need to be said. Ha, do you realize how far i’ve come over the past few years? Ok, Goodnight.

Me: That is true, you’ve come so far. night. 
————-the next morning————–
Josh: Hey. Try not to think too much on what I said last night. I’ll take a week to pray and see what’s what; after that we can talk about it again. 

Me: Ok sounds like a plan i will be praying about it as well. 

. . .

I haven’t heard from him since then. It hasn’t been a full week so we shall see. I’m honestly going to just let him say what it is he’s been thinking/feeling. I want to hear it before i say ANYTHING. 
I don’t think it will work, "we" will work. There has just been too much deception (sometimes on both ends) throughout the relationships to even be healthy 20 years from now. Even though we are both adults now, he has still continued to make some immature decisions. 
I love him, i really really love him; but love isn’t always enough. 
I feel that with my personality i might walk all over Josh. I am a very outgoing, upfront, (sometimes even bossy to a degree), type-a person. I need a man who while loving, has a backbone and will say "Amy, you are out of place on that, you are not acting as Christ would, we’ve got to pray about this and change that". It will be a humbling experience for me, but it is one that i will need in a future mate. 
From what i know of Josh, he isn’t that man. He would MOST DEFINITELY call me out on some of my crap, but not immediately, and probably not affectively. Does that make sense? 
Also, he still isn’t 100% sure what he wants to do. Hey, a lot of people aren’t sure of that they want to do "with the rest of their lives" and that isn’t the issue. The issue is that he is 24 and not holding a steady, decent paying job.Let’s be real here, i am NOT looking for a big wallet man. I feel that the Lord has already revealed to me that i will not live with a lot of money, and that it will be tight. I’m completely ok with that, i do not need money to make me happy. However, i find it attractive if a man has drive and is willing to work at working. Does that make sense? It’s all in the motivation and drive. Another thing i think Josh can be lacking. He’s admitted that himself, and that is just flat out not attractive to me. 
I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Josh will make a great father and husband, but i don’t know if that means he will make a great husband for me. 
These are all of the things that are mulling through my brain. 
Also, i think that if we were to get married it would always be in the back of my head that he cheated. I wouldn’t hold it over him, mention it, or bring it up in "arguments", but it would still be there—a fact is a fact. If he came home late from work, or was "out" different nights of the week, i would become suspicious. He’s cheated on me twice, what’s to say he won’t cheat within a marriage? 
My momma always said…that a dating relationship reflects a marriage relationship. That is just the flat out truth. If he cheats while you’re dating, he will most likely cheat within the marriage. Same goes for ugly talking, controlling, abuse, handling money, etc. Dating is preparation for marriage, period. 

. . .
So those are my current feelings on all of it. 
It sounds like my mind is made up doesn’t it?! 
The truth is, i think it might be, but in the same breath i KNOW that i still harbor feelings for Josh and i will always love him. Please be praying for me about this…
Thoughts? 

. . .
P.S. i know that i’ve painted josh in a rather dark light in this entry. That is certainly not the case. He is seriously

one of the most beautifully genuine and patient and loving people i have ever known. He is compassionate, caring, and honest. He will bend over backwards for those he loves and will go out of his way to make someone feel comfortable. He is truly incredible,i’m just not sure he’s MY incredible…he could be someone else’s.