Extra

There is more of an update on the last entry.
With pictures! 🙂
This is my second post today.

I’ve been struggling more with my anxiety these last few weeks/month(s). It has morphed from making myself feel sick to having chest pains and feeling it in my left arm. 

I had an EKG done at the doctors office this past thursday, he said that everything has checked out fine and i’m going to go get my blood work done soon. He prescribed me some low-dose meds to help calm me down. I haven’t filled the prescription yet. I’m afraid to. I’ve seen what meds can do, and it frightens the living crap out of me. I KNOW that meds can be such a beautiful thing and can help people live daily and do so many more amazing and wonderful things, but for me it just conjures up bad memories. My father used to take 20+ pills a day. AS WELL as my grandmother, grandfather, etc. I see how it can make zombies out of people, turn them into someone you don’t fully recognize, how people can become dependent, etc. 
Disclaimer: i’m not saying if you take medicine that i’m looking down on you, quite the opposite, you have so much courage!! I do not see people who "take medication" as weak or anything. Its just a personal preference i’m talking about here. So i hope none of this offends you. 
Anyways…back to the medication. I’m going to get it filled, and see if it does help…when i absolutely need it. BUT i feel that i need and want to tackle this naturally first. With good ol’ eating better, exercise, healthy stress relief, my anxiety exercises, etc. before diving into taking medication. 

. . . 
Anyways…this is where i was trying to go when i started this entry. 
Since i’ve been constantly thinking i’m going to have a heart attack and die it has really caused me to sit back and think about my life, and the influence (or lack’there’of) i’ve had on other people. 
How will i be remembered? If i was to die now would i get to heaven and be happy with the life i’ve led for Christ? The answer is quite simple: NO. I’ve been selfish, manipulative, and so much more. I’ve lived this life to "get all the best things for myself" instead of being a temple for God and showing and telling other people about God’s Love and redemption. 
I am not proud of everything i’ve done and i’m not ready to give up yet. 
2012 will be a year that i put aside my selfishness and really focus on the most important things: My relationship with God and how that ties into everything else in my life: health, money, romance, etc.

I will not continue living a lifestyle that is horrible. PERIOD. 

Doing my Bible Study tonight i came across two amazing quotes that kicked me square in the jaw: 
"It is the most profound common sense of all to put our poor, weak, foolish and helpless selves into the care of keeping of God who made us, who loves us, and who alone can care for us. When we yield to God, it means we then belong to God, and that we now have all His infinite power and infinite love at work on our side! What i am inviting you to do is this: yield yourself ot Him. Take advantage of this amazing privilege that human words cannot even express…regardless of circumstances or consequences…yield." -Hannah Whitall Smith 
"There is a difference between memorizing Scripture and thinking biblically. There’s a difference between knowing the words and experiencing their meaning. THere is a difference between having sentences embedded in your head and having their impact embedded in your heart. There is a difference between "doing Christianity" and being a Christian. You can memorize all the words, but if you’ve forgotten the music you still won’t be able to sing the song." -Tim Hansel 

I hope that those words encouraged you as much as they encouraged me.