desperate

 Scripture says that when we seek the Lord with all of our hearts we will find Him. It also says that in our weakness He is perfectly and utterly strong. Stronger than we could ever begin to imagine. The truth is, He is always strong. The other truth, we constantly turn our back on Him for our own selfish desires, and yes my dear i’m talking to you too. 
 
So many times i say… Lord i love you, i desperately need you in my life, help my heart to fall in love with You again, daily. Weaken this desire for an earthly romance and fill me with the passion to serve You and You alone for the rest of my life Yet so often what i really mean is, Lord, i love you and i desperately need you in my life, but today i just want to try this myself. I want to heal my heart myself, i want to talk to this guy without your blessing, i want to be the Amy that makes ME happy even if it doesn’t make you happy. At least i’m being honest. 
Why do we do that?
Why do you do that? 
Make bargains with God as if we are actually going to honor them, and as if He really needs or even desires our bargains. He desires intimacy with you & me not false promises. 
I think the reason the Lord doesn’t bless relationships that don’t put Him first is because of how much He loves us. Think about it. If we can’t understand or even attempt to put forth the effort to make our relationship with the one who created us worth something then how could we expect to make another relationship work? Think about it.
 
We all have moments in our story that makes us feel about the size of a grain of sand. Moments that wreck us, moments that save us, and moments that can change our lives for an eternity. What moments are you dwelling on? What moments am i dwelling on?? Our stories are bigger than the grades we made in school, than the friendships we keep, than the relationships we invest our souls into. Our stories are made to be shared, because they are beautiful and relatable. Our stories were written long before air filled our lungs. Our stories are beautiful….with or without someone by your side. Stop investing in the temporary & start investing in something worth an eternity. 
 
Man the truth hurts huh? 
I feel that God is saying this to me daily. 
I feel like i’ve said this about those who have burned me in my past. 
But here is something beautiful. 
While i may hold grudges, be bitter, cry, feel the pain–live in the pain, feel the sting of death, and let darkness cover me. 
My God does not.
He desperately loves me. 
More than i love myself.
More than i will love my future husband & children. 
More than all of the love of everyone in the world combined. 
His love stretches over galaxies and into the ends of eternity. His love moves mountains and fills oceans. His love is deeper than the philosophy of life itself. 
. . .
You know that moment when you look into someone’s eyes and feel yourself falling? The moment where your peripheral vision begins to fade and you see nothing but the flecks of gold in their eyes. Your breathing slows and you feel your heart hit this unusual rhythm that is in-between too fast and too slow…yes you know the feeling. Your fingers slowly begin to curl and your eyes shift out of focus for the smallest fraction of a second; you feel your feet leave the surface and everything tilts slightly to one side. The moment when you realize your life will be forever changed. 
That is not only the moment you experience the death of an old life…but the birth of something that can alter everything. 

Why can’t we relate to a moment like that with God? 
I want to. 
I desperately want to. 
 

Lastly…
I’ve forgiven you. 
I’ve forgiven the pain you’ve caused in my heart. 
I’ve forgiven your mistakes and your selfishness. 
I’ve forgiven the fact that you’re not remorseful. 
I will forever hold you in my heart, even when i don’t want to. 
This applies to many people in my past. 
Especially to you…

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