Confused.

Confused.
 
That seems to be where my mind is at lately. I just can’t seem to be completely at peace in certain situations. I know I’ll get there; it’s just the process that I’m lost on.
 
I got an email last week from a former member at my old church (the church plant I was a part of that we closed). He let me know that there is a possibility someone might be looking at me towards being a candidate for their Youth Ministry position. The church, ‘C’, is close to home and I’ve visited it a few times throughout this “attempting to find a new place to plant roots” process (*which is extremely hard by the way). I’m not 100% sure how I feel about the church as a whole. I honestly haven’t been there enough to form a solid opinion and I know that a lot of people in the community have great things to say about it.
I’m scared, quite honestly. Terrified really. I’ve been “out of the ministry” for a few months now and its almost like its been 10 years. This whole fiasco has had me question my calling and wonder if “working with students is really what God wants me to do.” Everyone thinks those thoughts are rubbish, that it is obvious that being a youth leader is the calling the Lord has placed on my life. I believe they are right…yet Satan constantly throws these huge moments of doubts and I question everything. It really, REALLY sucks.
Ok more onto my spilling of thoughts. I don’t know how much sense all of this is making…really this is just for me to attempt to process it all and get it out of my head and onto paper.
There is another church, ‘J’, that I’ve been visiting that I enjoy and feel comfortable with as well…yet I’m not sure if I feel a pull there. OF COARSE I feel little pulls at ‘C’ as well as ‘J’ but its still so early that I’m confused and have absolutely zero idea. Most of my friends (the people that I love and hang out with on a regular basis) feel a strong pull towards ‘J’ and are taking the steps to make this place their new church home (even if its only temporary). I am genuinely so excited for them. I know this process has been hard and I think its great that they have found a place where they believe God has called them to set roots and invest in. All of that being said…there is a part of me that is jealous?!?!?
I don’t understand it either.
I guess it’s also that some of the opinions I’ve heard (from my friends) were not “for” ‘C’ church and they didn’t fully enjoy it. I understand that, we all have different styles and different likes and dislikes and God can most certainly use us at other places. However I now feel…left out. That isn’t the right word choice but it’s the only one I can think of. It seems that I’m the only one who doesn’t feel drawn completely towards ‘J’ and yet I’m potentially going to be serving at a place that other people don’t care for…and I’ll be there alone. “Well other people from the old church will be there, so you’re not really alone”…it’s not the same. My friends, the people who know me so intimately, will not be there, at all. That is very scary to me. Honestly yes it is a comfort thing, a “safety net” thing and a “being left out thing”. They will have their new friendships at ‘J’, being doing ministries together, serving the community, having new stories, etc, etc. I KNOW that church isn’t about cliques and bla bla but there is an aspect of fellowship that I will be 100% without now. I hate it. Yes this may be me just having a pity party but I don’t like it. Also (and I know this isn’t God talking, it’s the enemy putting these thoughts In my head) but its like I can only be used at a place where none of my friend group feels called to. Why don’t they feel called to it? Is something wrong with it? Am I not picking up on it because I’m far from God? I don’t know…I sincerely don’t know.
I’m just so utterly confused.
I was in a horrible mood all day yesterday. I snapped at Maria multiple times and then came home and cried to Beverly on the phone. And then, to get my mind off of it I went upstairs and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and then ate and watched movies, surfed the web, read some scripture and made myself sleep. I feel completely disconnected from everyone right now; from all of my friends, from a church (duh, obviously), etc.
I thought I was done with this whole process of grieving for C3…for being angry with my former pastor, from wanting to literally punch something as hard as I can because I’m so frustrated. I’m ANGRY about it. I know “anger and bitterness is not something that is pleasing to God” but at least I’m honest about it.
I have so many questions, so many concerns, so much BLA that is just effing weighing me down. I put on this happy face front to act like I’m doing just fine but in reality…I’m so frustrated, confused, bitter and angry. Yes aren’t those just lovely qualities, don’t you know that’s how I get the guys. =). I’m frustrated that I feel completely and utterly alone in this process. Yes, I know God is always with me, but you know what I’m talking about. Everyone else seems to have found a place where they feel comfortable taking the next step in, or at least they have someone to walk with them through the process, me…I’m floundering.
I’m just venting all of this out.
 
I’m supposed to be meeting with the pastor of ‘C’ sometime this week. I am looking forward to it and definitely interested to see what God could potentially be doing. If anything this is definitely the Lord letting me know that “Hey, I’m not done with you yet, I love you.” THAT is the encouraging part of this story…God isn’t through with me yet. These are all things I know, its just hard to connect it to my heart and spirit, you know what I mean?
I know that the Christian life is never easy, that is why it is called the narrow road.
It’s just a lot to think about.
I could be making a mountain out of a molehill.
All of these things I know.
I just really needed to take the time to process and express everything.
 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 
Anyways.
Onto something else.
I bought a 6-week pass for a boot camp. I’m going to start the first week in February and work my butt off (hopefully literally). Tuesday and Thursday mornings I’ll be waking up at 530am and heading to the class that lasts from 6-7am and then going to work until 5. It will be some LONG days but it will also be completely worth it. I have nothing holding me back. No husband, no children, etc. This is a time for me to really focus on my relationship with God and my own health.
Sure…I want a relationship.
But I’m not going to be desperate for one.
 
 
 
Its all whatever.
 
Thanks for listening.
 
To close on a happy note:
Here are some of my latest favorites from Pinterest.