01/13/2012

you owe me a love letter. today 229 days until we have loved each other for 1096. these numbers seem so small. small like you standing beside me in the bathroom mirror. i am topless and you are gelling your hair. either of us is getting in/out of the tub/shower.

i show you rings that i want you to buy.  put on the finger whose blood leads to the heart that is pounding everymoment telling me
the future
and i feel like i should be afraid because i’ve thought this before and it fell away and i was left there in the darkness of the falling away of it.

with you i believe.  this is a big thing that you don’t realize. this believe.
i believe that you could love me until i become an old woman. our children born. grown. our elders put to earth. our house full of sunday suppers. filled with stories. filled with love. believe that you could love the crazy that is exactly me and i marvel at how amazing it fits when it fits and i feel frustrated when it clashes. late nights and me throwing my body against yours. so many years of saying ‘nothing’ where there is something. furrowed brows. digging digging until i finally give up what the ‘nothing’ is, always something.  you so patient with me.  i believe you could love me even though i am such a girl.

i edit the shit out of the words until they become unrecognizable to what i was trying to say. i hit save and come back and add more words. but nothing becomes clearer.

i want to say i used to be able to write without worrying about who was going to read and what they were going to think and i could unfocus, unhinge and let spill everything. now it is all second guessing, better words, wanting more needing more.
why do i always take everything i love and bite it into pieces that are no longer what they were meant to be. why do i have to break everything down, examine each of the fragments until they are dust, try to make it fit back together and then get mad that it doesn’t work.