Well I guess I need to vent

April 17 email to a friend:

No, sadly I have not been able to keep on schedule for treatments.  I am currently 3 weeks behind with 2 treatments left before I go on the lower-level of treatments.  I was supposed to have my current chemo every wednesday up until the last wednesday before Easter.  Right when we first started semi-quarantining, I got sick.  I had a very suspicious cough – different from my constant allergy cough – and when I showed up to chemo that week, I learned that I had a low fever.  I was sent away and was still scheduled to continue the following week.  For the next 72 hours I tried and Hubby tried as hard as we could to get me tested to learn whether I had Covid.  This was for our own peace of mind and also to know if I had infected Hubby, who continues to see patients.  I was unable to get tested.  Despite what the government keeps saying, there just were not enough tests available to allow me (an immuno-suppressed chemo patient) to get one since I was not yet sick enough to be hospitalized nor had I any known history of exposure to Covid.  (How can you have a known history of exposure if nobody can get tested?)  It was very frustrating.  Meanwhile, I figured that since I was stuck at home, I might as well hire my handyman to do a little maintenance around here including painting my ceilings.  I did not consider my vulnerability to the paint fumes until the following Tuesday when I was literally overcome.  I got nauseated and dizzy almost instantly.  I staggered to a chair in my backyard with my phone and tried to talk to a nurse and/or Hubby about my symptoms.  I did not realize at first that my condition was due to the paint fumes.  One of the people I finally did get to talk to was a nurse at my oncologist’s office.  This resulted in my doctor calling me that evening and putting my next-day chemo off for another week.  I sounded scared enough on the phone when I talked to Hubby (before I had reached the nurse) that he left work and came home.  He was with me in the back yard while I talked to the nurse.  After that he took me for a drive which ended up at G&N’s house where we sat in their back yard and talked from a distance.  That was the best thing for me – to get to talk to a friend in person.  I did get treatment last week, but this week when I showed up on wednesday, my lab work revealed that my white blood count was too low to allow treatment.  That was the last straw for me personally.  The nurse glared at me with her stern teacher look (from behind her mask) and told me that I currently have zero immunity to anything and that I should go home and stay there.  She said firmly that I am not allowed to go anywhere, not even the grocery store.  I went home and spent the rest of wednesday feeling depressed and sorry for myself.  I just want my treatments to be over with so that I can get back to getting stronger and I want this damn Covid to go away so that I can do anything else besides play games on my tablet and watch tv!  Hubby gets to go to work, but only half-time.  They are seeing only well-baby visits in the morning, and only sick kids (no Covid) in the afternoon.  He only works 2.5 days, and starting next week, one of those days will be all tele-med.  After he sees patients, he comes home and immediately showers and changes clothes for me.  He was doing that this whole time, even before my low white blood cell count this week.  When he is home, we have played board games a few times.  Yesterday we had a zoom conference with our accountant, which was fun.  Before this wednesday, I had still been going to the grocery store, but wearing a mask and washing my hands immediately upon coming home.  That was the only thing I had been doing that made me feel normal.  I keep telling Hubby he is lucky to get to go to work.  I have started taking walks on many days, but some days I just feel so defeated I don’t even get that done.  We have called to check on and encourage our children and our parents.  Everybody seems to be doing the best they can.  I worry about my mom being so isolated in her assisted living apartment.  She is not even being allowed to go outside, and of course she cannot get any visitors.  My sister has been going over there every saturday and standing outside her window while talking to her on the phone.  It is hard for me to talk on the phone with Mom because it makes me sad, but I do it anyway.  I dream about her almost every night, so I know I am worried about her.

Well, I guess I needed to vent.  I think I should get dressed now and go for a walk.  The neighbor kids are running around in my front yard.  It has been fun to hear them playing.  No virus worries for them!

We had a cul de sac get-together 2 Fridays ago in our chairs in a wide circle in the street with our individual wine and had a lovely conversation.  We are doing it again next weekend.  Hubby and I went to B&C’s back yard on Tuesday and did the same thing.  I know none of this will last forever, but I am very very tired of it.

Thanks for reaching out.  I hope we can get together again soon!  We will all be ready to celebrate!

-13D