I don’t like my thoughts right now

That is what I was realizing a little while ago.  I went to another chemo treatment today, and I am also in the middle of being attacked by seasonal allergies; so in the middle of treatment I had a severe coughing fit that caused me to turn bright red and probably spike my blood pressure and certainly alarm all of the nurses in the infusion room (who came from lowest pecking order to highest to stand in front of me and watch as I coughed and struggled to breathe).  Afterwards, my nurse-of-the-day (who is also my favorite), came back from her lunch break and asked “why is there a blood-pressure-cuff here?”  She asked about definitions of my cough I had just had (not around her), and I did not understand the differences, but she seemed to care about this a lot.  This has me wondering.  I plan to drive back over there tomorrow and hang out to ask her more questions.  I don’t like my thoughts right now.

I am currently being heavily treated for a very aggressive type of breast cancer that I might not even have, but since I did have a tiny speck of it in the tissue they removed from my right breast located outside of the mammary ducts, they cannot be sure that this super-aggressive sucker had not already jumped to several other areas of my body.  So, I am in the middle of a 14-month chemo regimen to blast my whole body just in case.

For the most part, I have had an honest positive attitude.  I feel healthy.  Due to the clean-cooking diet Keith and I went on a year ago, I was in my best health of the last 10 years when the routine mammogram found the less-scary cancer which started this journey.  I am grateful that the other cancer was found; the bad one could have taken over before we even knew if not for the “easy” cancer that was found.

Everyone keeps praising me for my positive attitude, and I accept that and own that.  And mostly I have been pretty happy about all of this.  I have a strong faith in God and I accept everyone’s prayers with gratitude.  I have amazing friend and family support who have never let me feel alone.  I have had cards, meals, rides beyond what anyone deserves.  And I have my beautiful husband who has been everything.

See…. I knew I needed to journal just now.  Just talking about this has made me remember all of the reasons I am still happy.  I was going to complain about my concern about my cough and my “thought” about that cancer jumping to my lung.

Reminds me of a song I love by Lake Street Dive “Baby Don’t Leave Me Alone With My Thoughts”