new family on ebay?

I wrote an entry once titled something like “can I buy a new one on eBay?”  This time I think I’m just going to auction myself off on eBay.  I’m so for cereal. 

Life has been more than just a little bit fuct lately and well this week of course was no exception.  Why would it be?

 

I’ve spent most of the week feeling like everything is my fault and that a lot of people would be better off without me.  I want to run away.  I want to go hide for a very long time.  I don’t know how that would help anyone, but it seems like it would.

 

Last weekend we fought, got on each other’s nerves.  Then we sat down and just talked.  He told me that he’s not happy, I know that.  I told him that I wasn’t happy, he knew that.  I asked him what it was that he wasn’t happy about, he said it’s because I’m not working and the house is still a mess.  I told him I never led him to believe that I was a neat person.  With his OCD, a messy table in the living room makes for a trashed house.  I told him that I keep up the kitchen and the bathroom, but most of the shit in the living room was his.  He told me that he’s given up on cleaning because no one helps him out with it; I told him that I was in the same boat.  Why clean anything when I feel like it isn’t appreciated at all.  The things that he’s unhappy about are because I’m not working and I don’t keep the house clean.  My complaints were that he ignores me, he’s selfish, and treats me like I’m one of his buddies.  I hate that.  He told me that he was going to work on it.  I told him I’d do what I could about the house and stuff.  It’s not like I’m not looking for a job.  They just aren’t easy to come by.  Not at all.

 

Tuesday we took the kids to my uncle’s house for a cookout and fireworks.  Ended up getting into a huge fight with my uncle, that was lovely.  See when we go to my family’s functions they believe that the kids should be able to do anything they want.  Including fighting, throwing fits and being rude to adults.  We do not agree with this at all.  My family also believes that it’s abuse to ground the kids when they hit adults, we shouldn’t be giving them soap when they swear, spit or put things like glass in their mouths.  Also, when they don’t eat their dinner (just to spite us) and we have them eat it for breakfast, that’s also abuse.  We don’t leave it on the table all nite.  It gets covered and put into the fridge. 

 

This is how it went down on Tuesday, the kids were playing, and dinner was grilling.  They asked if they could go swimming and we told them that they had to eat dinner first.  Not a big deal right?  Wrong.  Regan didn’t want to eat because she wanted to swim.  I sat at the table with the kids and told her five times to eat her hotdog, at which point my uncle walked into the garage and said “she doesn’t have to eat it if she doesn’t want to”.  She smirked at me and I told her “I don’t care what he says, he’s not your boss, I am, eat you will eat your hotdog.”  She got pouty and he got loud.  He started yelling at me telling me that I’m too hard on the kids, I told him to butt out.  That it was none of his business.  I don’t remember much of what was being yelled, but he did call me a bitch 5 times and then a fucking bitch once.  Then told me that I was lucky he didn’t “drop me in the yard”.  What a role model that is, calling me names and threatening to hit me in front of the kids.  I was furious, I saw red.  I told him to fuck off more than once and then told the kids to pack up their stuff, we were going home.  Regan kept smirking at me; it was like she was saying “haha, you’re getting in trouble for trying to make me eat.”  That pissed me off further.  Damien was crying, that broke my heart, but I couldn’t back down from my uncle.  Rollie had no idea what was going on.  He wasn’t even in the garage when it all went down.  Then my uncle looks at me and says “I know how you treat those kids, I know what you do to them, I keep hearing those stories I’ll start making some phone calls.”  What?!  Are you fucking kidding me??   We do not abuse those kids.  Not ever.  We rarely spank them.  They get grounded for hitting adults, too fucking bad.  They shouldn’t be hitting adults.  I packed everything into the car myself while Rollie was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  I got the kids in, Damien was still crying.  My gram tried to talk tome and I told her to go away, I was done.  She didn’t try to defend me and I wasn’t going to have anything to do with the family anymore.  I hate my family.  So Rollie gets into the car and we start to leave, and he asked me what set that all off.  So I gave him the quick campbell’s condensed soup version and he backs up and pulls back in.  I didn’t want him to get out of the car.  But he did.  He walked right up to my uncle and was like “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are.”  And they had words.  My uncle called me a liar about the CPS thing.  He said it more than once.  I wouldn’t lie about that. 

 

While that was going on, I called my mom to ask her to stop talking to my uncle about the things that I talk to her about, not like any of it was bad.  She laughed at me.  Told me “you know the family talks, if you don’t want anyone to know what you do, you shouldn’t do it.”  I told her that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I just didn’t know why they all think that they know how to raise “my” kids.  She told me that’s because I wasn’t doing what I needed to do and I wasn’t treating the kids right.  To that I said “because you were mother of the fucking year right?  You were June Cleaver?”  she laughed again and told me that my childhood wasn’t rough, so I shouldn’t act like it was.  So I asked her if it was ok for dad to have pushed me around when I was younger, she laughed and said, “That only happened one time”.  I told her that was bullshit.  And I asked her if it was normal for a dad to ask his daughter “do you want me to take you out in the front yard and beat your ass in front of the neighborhood”.  She told me that it was different because my sister and I were teenagers.  I asked her if it was ok to abuse your kids as long as they were teenagers.  And she continued to laugh at me.  I told her that I was glad it was a joke, but I wouldn’t be coming around anymore.  I’d had enough of the family bullshit.  I hung up on her.

 

In the meantime my uncle is telling Rollie that my family is pissed off at me, my sister is pissed off at me and my best friend is pissed off at me.  I asked him if he was talking about KJ and he said yes.  I laughed, I told him that she wasn’t my best friend and I didn’t care if she was pissed off at me.  Why would I want to be friends with someone that would steal $2,000 from her friends and family?  He told me that she didn’t steal it, that my aunt had told him the whole story.  I told him it didn’t fucking matter and he didn’t know what he was talking about.  Rollie said a couple more things and then got into the car.

 

We were both shaking.  I cried most of the way home.  Damien cried, I felt horrible for him.  He kept saying that he wasn’t upset about anything through his tears.  I shouldn’t have gotten into a fight like that, but that man knows exactly what to say and do to push my buttons and jeezuz he was attacking me. 

 

Rollie and I ended up taking the kids out to the airport to see the fireworks.  They were happy about it.

 

I talked to my sister about all of it, and she wasn’t really shocked, but she’s not pissed off at me.  I guess she had a talk with my grandrents earlier in the week about the same thing going on with her and her boyfriend’s baby. 

 

It’s all bullshit. 

 

Most of all though, I felt bad for Damien.  I don’t like the kids to be upset over real stuff.  Brat fits, I could care less about, but when it’s something like this.  They shouldn’t have even seen it. 

 

<font size=”3″>For the 4th we went out to Rollie’s rents house.  Had dinner with them and sat and watched fireworks from the parking lot of the restaurant.  They were better than the ones at the airport the nite before.  We had fun. 

 

I learned some stuff about his sister while we were there.  His step mom told me that her husband has been drinking heavily and trying to have sex with her while she’s sleeping.  She’s woke up more than once with his finger up her butt.  They live down in the Keys and she wants to come home, but doesn’t know how to leave him and doesn’t really have the money to do it.  Rollie always makes the comment about going to get her.  I understand to a point, but she’s older than I am and if she really wanted to come home all she’d have to do is ask.  She won’t do that.  She doesn’t want her dad or Rollie to know what’s going on.  Yeah she might be embarrassed about it, but she told her mom and her step mom about it all.  So she can’t be that embarrassed.  And I look at it as she’s an adult, she has to make her own choices, if she wants to stay, let her stay.  We’ve had a few arguments over that.

 

Lately, I’ve just been really pissy, george was a month late.  I wasn’t worried, but now I’m paying the price. 

 

Sometimes, I think it’s not worth the trouble to even be involved with people at all.  Like I wish I could just run away.  I don’t really have anywhere to go anymore, but still the thought is there and I think about it.  I don’t really have any friends, and really I’m pretty much ok with that.  I kinda feel like I’ve out grown them?  I have acquaintances and people that I love dearly, but there really isn’t anyone that I want to hang out with anymore.  We’ve all got our own lives. 

 

I need a vacation.  I need a job.

 

This week I’ve been working at the company that I worked at a month ago.  It’s only for the week and I really miss this place.  Everyone is so awesome here.  Sucks that this is my last day.

 

I do have a possible interview on Monday though.  It’s at an insurance agency.  I don’t care, I just need a job.  A real job.  I need to get out of the house.  I need to make money.  We’re flat broke.  And that’s not even a joke.  We’re a month behind on the car, house, insurance.  It’s lovely.

 

So, do you think I could eBay myself to a new family?