imperfect boys with their perfect ploys

i’m coming apart at the seams pitching myself for leads in other people’s dreams
buzz
buzz
buzz
doc, there’s a hole where something was…

today has been a blah kind of day. i’m just blah. Rollie has called me twice and it’s like i have nothing to say to him. he keeps telling me about all the things he’s done with the kids and stuff and i just don’t want to hear about it. i mean he’s taken them to the zoo and the beach, but we never did those things as a family because we ” didn’t have the money”, i don’t get it. he says it’s because he’s trying to keep their minds off of stuff.

to me it seems like he’s just doing all the things that we should’ve already been doing. today he built a bed for “our” bed. he had been promising me that for like 2 years and never did it. it just hurts. and i don’t know how to tell him all of what’s going on in my mind.

i feel like i’m slipping away from him. i miss the kids so much. they’ve been such a huge part of my life for so long that, now they are my kids. he got rid of one of the dogs, it’s something that we had talked about doing for awhile, so i’m ok with it. i just don’t feel like i’m a part of his life anymore. and he’s not a part of mine. i have nothing going on really. and he’s calling me telling me how he’s going to be in the management program at work and blah blah blah. how do i say, i don’t fucking care about how great you’re doing because i’m moldering away here.

he said that he was going to talk to a counselor and get that started for us and he hasn’t. he hasn’t made one move to get things in motion because “he’s just been to busy and working too much”. all that says to me is “whatever, i’m not worried about us because you’re not here”.

it’s not fair to me. i’m still stuck in limbo. i hate limbo.

i was supposed to take my entrance test for the CNA class on Monday, but i got there 5 minutes late and couldn’t take it. that pissed me off greatly. i left 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there, but there’s all kinds of construction downtown and the clock in the car was slow. grrrrr

i’m scheduled to take this coming Monday, most of my family doesn’t know, which is better that they don’t know i didn’t take it. because i’d just have fuct up again.

my sister and i aren’t talking. *sigh* i called her last week and we got into because she was being a royal bitch to me about the dog that we got rid of. she was acting just like my mom and i don’t need that shit. i don’t need her yelling at me about my life. and i can’t bring Rollie up to her because she’s so unhappy that if i do she gets all negative and says that i need to just be done with him. she’s not happy with her life and so i shouldn’t be either i guess. well guess what Napoleon, i’m not happy with my life. my life is gone and i’m so completely lost.

my youngest sister in law called me yesterday to invite me to a toy party next week at my in-laws house. i want to go, but i don’t know. they’re completely supportive of me and my MIL has even said “you divorce the man not the family”. i love that woman. i need to call her, but when i do always get all weepy. i’m sick of crying.

a new Native American casino is opening up locally, my uncle got a job there. i guess they’re still looking for people, so tonite i’m going to apply. they pay well and have great benefits. i need cash monies. i think i’d feel better if i had my own place and a car.

i miss my cat.

never had the date with Mr. K, he called to cancel after i told him that Rollie and i were going to try to work it out. guess he wanted more than just friendship. i really kinda need him though. i have no outlet. no one to cook me dinner, to just go for a walk with me.

i’m lonely.
i’m alone.