Two Months….

It has been two months today. You know, I thought it was getting easier, but this past weekend and today seem to have been some of the hardest days emotionally that I have had. As I think I said before, most of the worst of the anger has past, until I find something else to get angry about, but for now, what has set in is just this incredibly, painful, grinding, hurt and sorrow. It is almost a physical, palpaple thing, and even with writing privately, talking to a few people, it does not seem to ease up for more than a few minutes. I think I have cried more in the past few days, than I have in the whole two months.

Part of it, is physical. The A/C is out again, so obviously the cap off thing was not the problem. They were supposed to try and fit me in today, but couldn’t, and I guess that was okay, because I had a Doctors appt. and sure as heck they would have shown up about the time I needed to leave.   Part of my appt. was just my regular three month visit to make sure that I’m still alive…but part of it was some newer symptoms that I had self diagnosed, and I was right. My kidney function is down. Not drastically like it was a couple of years ago, but enough that we are doing a round of steroids, which means for the next 2 weeks, I have to monitor my blood sugar and do sliding scale insulin if needed. Fortunatly, only during the day. Living alone, both she and I thought it too dangerous to do at night. I’m sure that this will bounce my kidney function back up to normal (or what is normal for me…) and I’m quite sure the stress of everything, the sleeping on the couch, (too hot upstairs with no A/C) which means I’m not sleeping well, or even as well as I was, which was not great anyway, the fall, and the pain resulting from that, the seemingly unending bleed of money that has happened lately is enough to send me over the edge! So, not only did we add the steroids (only for a week, but the resulting hike in blood sugar can last up to another week) the insulin, but she has added an anti-depressant, which I’ve taken before and I’m sure it will help. And she doubled my pain meds for 4 weeks, and gave me a script for xanax, which I will take sparingly, because I like it way too much, but take it I will to try and get this crap under control.  She also reminded me (which I already knew, but it helps to hear it from a professional) that this is not a straight line, but a curvy, bumpy road of ups and downs. I seem to manage to internalize most of it to the point of it taking its toll on me physically.

But today, right now, I miss him so much I can hardly take a breath. I want him back, no matter how bad the situation was, I would trade any relief that his death has brought, for every problem we have ever had. Every moment of pain he ever brought me, I would have it all back, for just one more day with this man that I love so much. The pain seems almost too much to bare, and yet bare it I must. I have no choice but to go on, and try to find a way to live in this world, without him.  I just don’t know how I do that. But I will learn.  I will learn what my new "normal" is, and I will learn how to function with this hole where my heart used to be.  Just not today.