February 13, 2010

My Valentine….

Well, it has been 9 1/2 months and I think tomorrow (which despite what my date says, is actually 30 minutes away) is the second to last "big thing" I have to get through this year. My husband and I rarely celebrated Valentines in any meaningful way, until the last few years. Probably for the past 5 years or so, he had been quite abundant in his expressions of love. Oh, I always got a card, and I always got him a card and then over the years when the boys were growing up, I always took them to buy cards for their grandparents, and I included them in my giving of gifts, so it was less a "romantic" holiday. So, imagine my surprise a few years ago, when he came home with a card, flowers AND candy…(and a breakfast burrito from my favorite breakfast place.) This must have been 3-4 years ago, because I remember mentioning to him that he was off on a weekday (for having worked a weekend) that was Valentines. And from then on, he always got me a gift of some kind. Sometimes flowers, recently stuffed animals of some kind. I will miss him tomorrow. Of course I’m not at a place that I don’t miss him at some point, every day. But it is getting easier.

I think I have been less than sympathetic to my friends who are not involved in a relationship, and I am now very sorry for that. I find just the talk of "couple" things makes me jealous. And they abound at this time of year. But I don’t want just any couple, I want MY "couple" back. And that can never be. I’ve caught myself writing "we" in emails and notes than I have in awhile. I think it is indicative of this season. But, this too, shall pass.

Since I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 9 months or so writing out my pain, (and this one is no exception) I think I finally have to write about some of the changes I see in myself. First of all, I see myself as stronger than before. I feel like I have been through the fire and survived and that I actually AM stronger now than I was. All of these months, many have told me how strong I am, and I’ve often wanted to scream "but I’m NOT strong…I really want to just lay down and die, but I can’t and that doesn’t make me strong." But you know, now I’m beginning to see my own strength. And that feels good.

I also am beginning to see myself as competent. I think I have often thought of myself as less than competent in so many areas, focusing on all those areas more than on the areas where I am competent. I’m finally starting to see myself a bit more realistically than before. I am like most people…good in some areas, bad in others, VERY good in a few, and probably pretty bad at a few as well…(Oh Math, You are a language I do not understand and am incapable of learning) But overall, I’m an intelligent, accomplished, insightful, and overall pretty decent woman. I think I kind of like me a bit more now.

I am doing things alone that I have never done before. I travel alone, I am buying a house alone, I’m selling a house alone (with the help of a Realtor) I hire people to do things without consulting anyone, and I manage my time and my life according to MY choices. Some good, and some not so good, but I’m learning. I’m also realizing that I’ve actually pretty much done all of those things on my own for a very long time. I had the illusion of having someone else to help, but I really didn’t. But I did have all the restrictions that come with feeling the need to consult someone else about the decisions that I ended up making alone anyway. I appreciate that freedom. Part of me also thinks that of course I also have to live with the consequences of those choices, but you know, I’ve ALWAYS had to live with the consequences and sometimes the choices weren’t mine and I STILL had to live with the consequences!!

So, while I would not have chosen this path, I’m playing the hand that was dealt me, and so far, I’m at least breaking even. And that is progress.

I remember telling you that I knew how much you didn’t want to hear us telling you how strong you were, that you wanted to cry out “I’m not strong, I’m NOT ok”…. and now you are recognizing your strength. You ARE a wonderful woman. I never, ever would have wished this path for you, or the choice that Bruce made. But it is awesome to watch how you are handling this journey and learning from it. It really reminds me a lot of what I learned about myself after my divorce, but of course, there were a lot of differences in our circumstances… and still… that sense of self discovery, the triumph of making our own choices… aside from the grief and sadness of our individual situations, it’s very satisfying to move towards that independence and fall into our strength. Big big hugs to you… frankly, Valentine’s Day has been a non-event for me for a long time, but I know this one will be hard for you. I heart you!

thesunnyabyss

February 14, 2010

big huge hugs, what a grand thing to learn about yourself, have a wonderful day, hugs and love

Mezzo

I know it might sound strange, but I’m proud of you. You haven’t given up. You’ve dealt with everything and kept going. That’s strength, no matter how you look at it. So okay, some of the choices youve made aren’t choices you’d make again…. Been there. It’s how we learn. And all of us do it. Just keep going, Loves to you and big hugs! ~M

GypsyWynd

I wish my mom could read this.

Valentine’s Day was my wedding anniversary. I’ve been split from my ex for 3 years now so this is the 3rd anniversary. It gets easier as time goes on. I look back and remember how we never celebrated the anniversary, how he never did those “little” things that keep a couple glued together. It IS hard when your couple friends (you’re lucky to have any left) get all “couply” around this time of yearand you feel as though your face is being rubbed in it. Just remember not everyone is as happy as they pretend to be. Like you said, your ex wasn’t all that supportive even when you did have him. I had that feeling too. It was all on me, all the time. So now it’s still on me all the time, but there isn’t that feeling of being alone while “being” with someone, which was much worse, I think, because I looked to him to “help” with some of those things and he always let me down. It made my heart ache and made me feel all alone anyway. Plus now, after divorce, there’s a chance I may find someone else. Maybe not, but at least there’s a chance. Were we still together, I would still be lonely. ** Hang in there, progress is good.

I’m sorry, would you delete my previous comment (I can’t past 2 minutes)? I don’t take it personally, but will admit that I confused your diary with the diary of another person’s. I will continue to read on your progress. And like you said, it’s the ultimate betrayal. My ex’s mother did the same thing when he was 10 years old and the repercussions continue to this day (he is now 58 years old).

Linette

Wow, I could have written this entry a few years back! You know, I think we never get “over” it or “through” it, so to speak. I think we forge ahead and take it all with us. I still miss Tim, even though I am married to a wonderful man I love more than anything. Luckily James understands this and is not threatened by it. Not everyone is so lucky. So much of what you write is sooo typical. Joining my widow support board, that was the most comforting thing. I was NORMAL. All the weird feelings and such, everyone else felt them too. All the bizarre behaviors, they had an explanation! Yes, it is freeing in some ways to be single again, there certainly are advantages. Nothing outweighs the missing though. It does get easier. not BETTER, per se, but easier.

LightButHearty

I was thinking of you and how very difficult this day must be for you. Here you are, handling adversity with verve one day at a time.

I agree with Leisah. You are a strong and beautiful woman. And I suspect you always have been. It’s only been the past couple of months that has shown you that you are those things, and more. So, from me to you, Happy Valentine’s Day! And I am smiling at the thought of a breakfast burrito! What a good memory.

just elle

February 16, 2010

…I’m proud of you! You’ve come a long ways in such a short time. I agree with everything you’ve said here. You are me and I am you! Know what I mean? It’s quite heady stuff sometimes for me knowing that I don’t have to ask anyone about anything before I do it. It’s all me…all the time! Not that I wouldn’t change it in an instant but I’m making the most of my situation and so far…so good.

Hi there! This is Sam, an old member of OD and a friend of your friend. It has been a while since you did not write a new page in your awesome diary. This is what attracted my attention, the moment I laid my eyes on your last page. Well, I did the same lately, but now, I’m back with too much zest. Follow my steps once you feel you can, your writings are so good, so touching. Let us all be

thrilled and happy. Let us enjoy the words of a loving heart. Wishing you all the best. Sam 54