Good days and bad…
So, tonight I’m feeling a little out of sorts. I think that really is how I’m feeling….although I know that seems mild for the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. I’m not really depressed, although I’m also not in a particularly good mood either. Just a little blah.
I’m not sure that anyone can sustain the kind of emotion that runs through me at times and survive…so, at least for me, it comes and goes. Yesterday was not a great day. It started out okay and then one little thing sent me into a tail spin. Rather than trying to re=explain it, I will edit part of an email that I sent to Leisah, that started out about something else entirely…and then she asked me how I was doing:
*******(begins email) Well, if you had asked me a couple of hours ago, I probably would have said I was fine, but I just saw a facebook status from T that prompted me to cuss ****(my husband**** out once again. T is in Alaska, on business and he really didn’t want to go…he BADLY didn’t want to go and tried every way in the world to get out of it, but now he is there and he seems to be really enjoying it and having some great experiences. He posted something along the lines (in a very sarcastic tone that I recognized) that he was meeting with tribal reps that really CAN see Russia from their homes…and it made me laugh and I actually started up the stairs to tell ***** about it and got about 3 steps before it hit me. Leisah, it just made me SO DAMN MAD!! His kids are doing SUCH cool things and they are turning into SUCH COOL PEOPLE right in front of my very eyes and THAT ASSHOLE DIDN’T STICK AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO SEE IT!! And the thing that makes me so mad is that I also know that under normal circumstances, T would be calling both **** and I and telling us all about it and now I’m not hearing from him very much, because I know he can’t handle talking to me, because it makes him miss his Dad, and he’s too damn mad at his Dad to miss him. So, not only is T suffering, but its making me suffer from missing T…as well as missing ****! So, once again, I’m mad as hell!
Other than this moment, which I just got off my chest and feel better about it (and yes, I yelled at ****, out loud, but that doesn’t seem quite as good at yelling about him to you) I think I’m doing okay. Thank you for being there…and don’t let my crap get you down too much. Even I realize that despite everything, life has to go on…and I’m working on figuring out how that happens little at a time.
And, to crown this whole fricking day off, my 16 year old cat is missing. my friend (who stayed at my house while I was in the city) let her out yesterday morning, which is pretty normal, and I would have pretty much been expecting her to be waiting for me when I came home yesterday…but when she wasn’t, I also wasn’t too surprised. She has done that before, but usually shows up when she realizes that I’m home or gets hungry. But, when she wasn’t waiting out front this morning, pissed off that she had been left out over night, THAT is unusual. Of course she could come wandering up any time, but she has been so near death for so many years now, that I can’t help but wonder if this time, she really did wander off and die somewhere. While in some ways that would be easier than at some point having to put her to sleep pretty soon, it still makes me sad and worried that she is hurt somewhere….just something else I didn’t really need right now. ***(ends email)
Now, that was yesterday, and last night I didn’t sleep hardly at all. I kept waking up and just being sort of miserable. Couldn’t get comfortable, felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack, but couldn’t put my finger on exactly WHAT I was feeling. It was more than anger…I just don’t quite have the words for it. But, today was better, but still not good…but as I said earlier, just blah. Of course we ALL have "blah" days, so maybe this just was one of those days like everybody has…except it feels so much different.
Now, just so you know…I don’t go all day, every day, analyzing my feelings But at the end of each day, I DO sort of make an effort to figure out what kind of day it was, what DID I feel that day, and am I addressing those feelings and making some effort to try and work with them, through them, or just what AM I doing with them. Am I stuck somewhere? Am I moving things along? Am I hiding, or actually FEELING? I think that is something that is necessary for me and so, I’m taking you guys along for the ride.
Tomorrow is one month. I’m very aware of it. Let’s just see what THAT brings…and oh, by the way, the cat has not come home, so I’m pretty sure she is gone. That makes me sad, and it makes me even sadder that I’m not really able to worry too much about it. Now THAT is sad…
**Edit** I forgot say that T DID call me eventually and tell me all about what he was doing and he ended up saying something to thee effect that he DID wish his dad was around to tell it all to. That is progress for him, and I’m glad. I also talked to his wife and she told me that he is doing (kicking and screaming, but doing none the less) the exercises that his therapist has given him. And she thinks he is doing some better. So, that does make me feel better. Also…on a totally random note…I just watched a shtick that Billy Crystal did as a "goodbye" of sorts to Jay Leno and it made me laugh out loud. He always makes me laugh, whether it is late night appearances, movies or the one time I saw him on Broadway!! Thank you , Billy!!
We posted within minutes of each other! I’m sooo tempted to call you after reading this, but I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open and I’m headed to bed. But maybe we can talk this weekend?
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Keep writing and venting. We’re here for you. You know that right? Hugs
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sometimes I think that blah feeling is our own way of giving ourselves a break from all the big emotions going on, big hugs and much love,
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ps, thank you for your note, I needed to be reminded of that, there are improvements, we just seem to be sliding backwards a bit again, which is what I am told to expect, ugh, thank you again, hugs
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I am the sort of person who bottles everything up and tamps it down until I run out of room. Then it’s meltdown time. I think dealing with things as they come up is much healthier. Maybe not easier, but better somehow. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you from here. ~M
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…nods and understands. Thinking about your cat…just 3 months after JP died…I had to put our dog to sleep. That just about did me in. Now they are both sitting on my mantle…Odie on top. Weird…I know.
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My late night comedy fix is Craig Fergusen. I love his wacky humour. Rollercoaster emotions are exhausting. At least you have the courage to feel your feelings. It took me a long time to do that. Anger is the most difficult one for me…I hate feeling angry or maybe it’s that I don’t feel I have the right to really express my anger. Middle age hormones have freed me from that constraint. How cool that your son is in Alaska. I lived in a little village on the BC/Yukon border and it was a very unique experience.
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It’s got to be tough on you. I don’t really know what else to say…other than, I don’t blame you for your anger.
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