Cynicism abounds and have I regressed??(WITH EDIT)

(EDIT and WARNING) This is a bit of a drunken ramble….read at your own risk…and mine!! I probably should make this friends only, but I won’t….I think this is also part of the "journey".

So, the last couple of days have been interesting. Sometimes I feel like I’m a separate person, standing outside myself and looking into this weird life that has become mine. I also find myself doing things that are totally out of character for me now, but in some ways, I seem to be digging around for the person that I once was. I seem to be playing almost some kind of game with myself, of "who am I today" (and sometimes "who am I this hour"?) I’ll try to explain, but I’m not sure I can exactly find words for some of it.

Yesterday I attended a monthly meeting that was almost like going back to church for the first time. I’m a member of a Presbyterian Committee that is a very big part of my life and the volunteer work that I do.(those of you who have been reading me for awhile, can skip all this. I know I’ve explained this before, but I have quite a few new readers, so I want to explain what I do and why I do it.) I have always loved the work I do, although I often feel like I’m refereeing a bunch of children. The committee is call the Committee on Ministry or COM for short. Our basic purpose is to liason between churches, pastors and our larger ruling body, which is our Presbytery. In our area, this encompasses 123 churches some with ordained and some with lay leaders. Presbyterians are different from many denominations, in that we have lots of rules that are designed to protect both the churches and their lay leaders, and the ordained clergy that serve them, and to make sure that each are in healthy relationships with each other, as well as our larger ruling body, the Presbytery. Since most of the time, COM isn’t called in unless there is a problem, we are often seen as "the enemy" by both parties, because each group (lay leaders and clergy) think they are "right" and since we tend to see things from an outside perspective and usually don’t end up doing exactly what either party would like, we are the bad guys. (ask Dave Dog…he usually hates us…but he loves ME…because I’m not in HIS presbytery…LOL) We also have the power to enforce whatever decision we think is best, which also is not something that anyone likes. Anyway, I’ve explained all this, because in later entries, I refer a lot to the work I do with churches and pastors and it will give new readers some perspective. But, all this to say that because of the work we do, and the amount of time we often spend doing it with each other, we are a pretty tight group, even though we live all over the state. Our work is hard, but when we get together, our meetings are usually long and often stressful as we go about trying to decide the best way to handle very sticky situations, but we also laugh together a lot and most of us have become pretty cynical about life in general. Most of us work really hard, get no money, and even less appreciation for what we do, so it bonds us.

(Old readers can start reading again!) So, I’m at my meeting, go through the condolences, and find myself falling right back into my work, which at the moment consists largely of dealing with a very small church…a very GOOD small church that last August, lost their pastor of 27 years to a very sudden and unexpected death.  (he was only 57 and died of an anyeurism) and falling right into my same attitude of 2 months ago, which was wondering why things started out going well with their search for a new pastor and suddenly (about 2 months ago) they start acting all weird, and uncompliant, and bitchy and whiny and I had begun to wonder what I was doing wrong in dealing with them, what one of our other members, who I KNOW is a good guy, that has faithfully been working with them all these months has suddenly become a thorn in their side, and i had started wondering if I was missing something that HE might be doing wrong, and suddenly, like a brick, it hits me. They are GREIVING the loss of this pastor, and are acting a lot like me on any given day.  At first they were shocked and grateful for any help they could get. I was too. Then, as we started sending them candidates for the job, they realized that their church, the entity that they love so much, was never going to be the same again. And they got P*ssed. Just like I am. Boy, do I have a whole new sensitivity to what they are going through, and unfortunatly, they are going to have to live with it, just like I have to live with MY loss. In trying to explain my new revelation to others involved, I equated it with some committee coming up to me and saying "Okay Roz, I know you have suffered a loss, but now it is time for you to put that behind you and start dating again". Just saying those words almost made me want to throw up. I immediately told the other folks that I thought that since they are functioning, they are having supply pastors come in and preach, they are handling their finances well, that we needed to just leave them the hell alone for now and let them greive this loss. I think I’m going to try and talk them into just maintaining what they have and maybe try and find one of our professional interims to go in and do some grief counseling with them. It was just SO WEIRD how I could so incredibly understand all their behaviors and how much I want to tell everyone to leave them the hell alone!  I’m suddenly very protective of this little church that is so good, does such good work in their community and I don’t want anybody messing with them right now! Now, I think I easily convinced our committee of this, but will I be able to convince THEM that they need time??? I hope so…they occupied almost all of my thoughts and prayers yesterday…

So, today comes along, and I went with my friend (the financial advisor friend) to McAlester, to the little Italian community of Krebs (a couple of miles east of McAlester) to a wonderful local grocery store and got homemade Italian sausage and deli meats and imported cheeses to make good homemade sauce. We also did some shopping there at a little outlet mall. I found the cutest PJ’s for my youngest son’s fiance’. They are Vera Wang, cute, look like her, and they were all of 16.00!!! For VERA WANG!!! I didn’t even know she made underwear and PJ’s!! But she does….I also find a cute bracelet for a birthday party that I went to tonight.  Now, that Birthday party was actually going to be the topic of this post…since I was around once again, a bunch of 25-30 year olds, drank too much, flirted WAY too much, was flirted with right back, and now I truly don’t know whether to be ashamed of myself or proud…these guys are my son’s a

ge and I behaved pretty outrageously, for the person that I have become over the years and yet…a part of me was screaming….this is WHO I WAS, before I became so frigging responsible for trying to make a man that was hasn’t been happy in the past 18 or so years…happy. Part of me was SCREAMING inside that I haven’t been happy in a very long time. That I have been WAY overloaded with this responsibility for so long, and that I was fighting an impossible battle, that I no longer have to fight, and that it felt good! And another part of me felt totally stupid for acting like a kid again, when I am an adult. I made a few comments that obviously left a few raised eyebrows from some of the young ones that have known me for awhile, and a few raised eyebrows from a couple of the adults my age, that have only known me as this totally responsible adult who always does the right thing and rarely says or does anything "improper" or not becoming a "good church lady". No, I didn’t run off and sleep with any of the 25 year old males that were so drunk that had I offered, would probably taken me up on it, if they physically could, which I doubt. But, did I think about it? Yeah, I did.  I guess I need to make clear that I didn’t really DO anything inappropriate…but I sure as hell spent a lot of time thinking about it!! And part of me feels really guilty about that…I think I need to go to bed, sober up a bit more and think about all this in the light of day. Hmmmm, sounds like a plan….what do y’all think? I’m not planning on acting on anything, just trying to figure out whether I’m suddenly losing it? or maybe gaining something that I lost over the years back?  Like Scarlett…I’ll just think about that tomorrow!