Catching up…

I have always gone through phases where I don’t feel like writing…sometimes just because I’m lazy, and sometimes because I don’t think I have anything to say, but sometimes it is just an extension of my desire to withdraw from the world.  And the last two weeks or so, that is where I have been. I think I have written once in that time, but it was half-hearted and forced, because I just don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, I just want to roll around in my misery. Now, don’t get me wrong…I still continue to do my normal things. I show up in body, but right now, I’m just not showing up in spirit. Either here or in my day to day life.  That is ALL I can do right now.  The pain that is coursing through me right now is palpaable.  I feel an emptiness inside of me that is physically painful, and since most of anything that I say or do when I feel like this, feels a LOT like whining, and I REALLY don’t like that.  Now, I know that this is a fault in my character.  Being honest about the way you feel at any given time, in the appropriate place, is simply being honest, and anything else is often acting the martyr role. But I was taught from an early age that as a good southern girl, we just smile and say "I’m just great!  How bout you?" And that person responds with "couldn’t be better". And we each go our merry way, never letting anyone see the pain. 

There is also a part of me that feels like it has been 5 months. I should be at least beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. That the darkness should be beginning to lift.  Back a few months ago, I was in Dallas and ran into an aquaintance that lost his wife a little over a year ago to Cancer.  It was scarily obvious to me that he was still not doing well at all, and I remember thinking to myself and even saying to my friend something to the effect that I thought I was doing better at 2 months than he was doing at 13 months. Okay, I was wrong. BOY was I wrong. This is not a straight line. It is full of curves, and bumps and road blocks, and as usual, I was WAY too quick to judge.  But, I still pray that in 13 months I will be not in as much pain as I am in right now.

Now, I do know one thing that has prompted this particularly intense time of pain. Last week, I received two letters in the mail from Social Security. I have to have a physical exam and a MENTAL exam by 2 Social Security Drs. The physical exam doesn’t bother me. My health is what it is, and whatever he finds or sees, is what it is, and I don’t think there is anything different from what he will see in my medical records that were sent to Social Security from my Dr.  The mental exam, I’m assuming, is a result of my being on an anti-depressent, and having been diagnosed with depression that is documented in my medical records.  And I know that this is just a part of the process, but the idea that I have to talk to a Psychologist, not of my own choosing, about all these very personal things and feelings, seems damn near impossible, and yet if I don’t actually speak up, then I’m shooting myself in the foot, because depression is a qualifying diagnosis.  AND ALL OF THIS MAKES ME ANGRY ALL OVER AGAIN.  And you know, I think that if I’m not careful, I could learn to live there. And this would not be good. So, as you can see, I’m muddled right now…and that is all I can say about this subject or I won’t make it through today, and that is my job…make it through today…Do the next thing…whatever that is…

SO>>>>>>> changing subjects.  Pepi is becoming a bit less clingy, although after the last few days, I will be surprised if he doesn’t revert for awhile. He has had a very exciting few days.  On Tuesday, my sister in law and I went to the lake for the day.  It was fun, and I needed the break and kind of got it (the pain goes along for the ride, unfortuantly) but we did have a moment of real laughter. I took Pepi with me, and left Zeke at home. Zeke loves the boat, the lake and riding in the car, but I wasn’t sure how they would do together, so I just took Pepi.  He sniffed at the water and then backed off, he wanted to chase the ducks and geese that were on the bank, but they immediatly headed into the water, so he got no chance to do so, and then we headed down the pier and through the dock area heading for the boat.  We started to pull the cover off the boat (it is a 26 foot pontoon boat) and at some point, I had to go to the edge of the dock. I had the leash around my wrist, and as I got closer to the edge I choked up on the leash. Pepi looked over the edge and immediatly backed off…as if he was terribly uncomfortable with seeing the water just a couple of feet down, so I figured he was wary of the water. I needed to reach out and unhook one of the lines, so I let go of the "choked" up part of the leash…I still had the leash around my wrist.  I looked over at Pepi just in time to watch him LAUNCH himself off the end of the dock, like he was flying!! I think he expected to land on solid ground and not into water.  He looked SO shocked when he hit the water…but he did immediatly start swimming back toward me, so I guess he can at least "dog paddle"!  He was pulled back up onto the dock by his poor little neck and he was THE most contrite dog the rest of the trip you have ever seen.  I had a towel in the boat that I had put in there for him to lay on, since the seats are leather, so I grabbed it and dried him off as best I could, but he was one cold and scared puppy. But, I’m sorry, it was funny.  We did finally get everything ready and headed out, and once the boat was moving and he was in the sun, he seemed to enjoy it…after he quit shaking. 

Yesterday, he and Zeke both went to the vet.  Zeke needed his rabies shot, and needed to just have a check up, since he is, after all, 14 1/2 half years old.  Despite my best efforts, he has gained another frigging pound.  Every time I cut his food back, he cuts his activity back!! He now weighs 74 lbs. That is pretty dang fat for a Lab.  I guess it runs in the family.  We also added Rymidal to his meds. Hopefully, that will make him a bit more active, if he isn’t in as much pain.  Of course we have also noticed that having Pepi seems to have brought a bit of life back into him.  Hopefully, that will continue…Pepi was having his staples taken out from having been neutered, and I also just wanted him checked over, since all I had to go on was the report from our local animal shelter folks.  Not too surprisingly, I discovered that instead of being "around 2", he is m

ore likely, "around 5-6".  And the horrid breath that I had sort of chalked up to poor nutrition, is more caused by really horrible need for teeth cleaning.  So, he also got his rabies shot (they had given his all his others, but no rabies because he was being neutered) and today he is back at the vet having blood drawn for more extensive testing and having his teeth cleaned.  Do you know that it cost more to have his teeth cleaned that it does for me????? But, as much as I would rather not spend this fortune, I don’t want him getting sick, and I also cannot STAND the bad breath. Zeke’s teeth are pretty bad as well, but we have pulled all we can without risking his heart, and his breath is not that bad and he continues to be able to eat dry food, so I will refrain from putting him through that.  Pepi is going to HAVE to learn to eat dry food…I will NOT have to do this frequently because he doesn’t eat something that removes the plaque and tarter!! But, I’m sure he is not going to be all that thrilled with me after today for awhile…I will say, though, that I’m surprised at how well he and Zeke seem to be getting along.  Far better than I had feared….

So, I guess I have sort of caught you up with where I am…and now I need to head over to the UCM for Thursday lunch. As I said…I’m AM doing the "next thing". It is the best I can do right now.