A quickie…

Just quickly, I’ve had several private messages from people who are concerned about me. I feel grateful to have readers who CARE so much!! Thank you!

I’m fine.  Yesterday, I spent some time on the phone with a friend I went to nursing school with who is 32 with stage 3 Hodgekins Lymphoma.  She has 2 little girls, the oldest of which Bruce "adopted" as his granddaughter of sorts, during a rough time in her marriage.  She has subsequently divorced that husband and remarried a wonderful man who loves her kids, but one of the things we talked about yesterday, was no matter what, how much she wants to stay alive at least until the girls are old enough to choose who they live with, because she doesn’t want them living with their Dad. (and I totally understand that, knowing him)

I also have a young friend who has had cancer and was recently diagnosed with chemo induced Lukemeia. He just recently married and his bride has already been through a lot with him and is willingly and I’m sure lovingly riding this one out with him too. 

I was sitting outiside, reading my book and enjoying the sunshine, and thinking about them both and praying for them, and avoiding scrubbing a floor that was on my list of things to do, when in comes the thoughts of how hard they are fighting to stay alive and how easily my husband gave up. Thus insued the "conversation".  The rest was simply what was going on in the background.

Many years ago in college, I wrote a good bit of Circular Prose, and have dabbled in writing it and poetry off and on since then.  I don’t consider myself very good at it, but this whole thought process lent itself to that particular style, hence yesterday’s entry.  I wrote the entry, went upstairs and scrubbed the damn floor (my laundry room where Pepi had decided that he didn’t want to go outside to pee one day when I was sick and not walking him as much as he thought I should and I didn’t discover it for two days!!) stayed mad for awhile and then got sad for awhile and then got over it. I’ve been fine ever since. 

This is a journey, I continue to document the emotions in whatever way strikes me at the time. As Leisah mentioned, I am still often a bit raw.  I also often feel like when I’m writing this push and pull of being understanding vs. being angry is just a circle that I’m going in, that sometimes doesn’t feel like I’m making much forward motion.  I do have a therapist and he assures me that I’m doing better than I think I am, but some days, that is hard to see. So I just keep on writing, reading, and scrubbing floors! As someone else told me, it is akin to the old wisdom of "chop that wood and carry that water". I like that analogy.  Another words, just keep doing the next thing.

Once again, thank you SO much for your concern. I really do appreciate it!