6 weeks…A guide to surviving suicide and….

some things that helped me from my friends….

First of all, I now recognize that I was so totally in shock for the first week, that I remember very little of what happened those days. But some things stand out very clearly.

I remember my oldest son’s scream that went on forever…I also remember that it wasn’t me he wanted in his grief, but his wife…and though it took a moment, it gave me huge relief to realize that their marriage is already so strong that she is his rock and that is how it should be.

I remember that there were way too many people around me, but that certain ones I was SO glad to have there. And, that even the ones that seemed like "why are you here", ended up having a role to play. I believe that God put the people around me that I needed. No one seemed to mind that I was making very little sense and that made me feel like I was not losing my mind. (I hope that makes sense…it’s the weird sort of "check" we do in great stress…"are people looking at me like I’ve lost it? Cause I think I have, but if they are acting like I’m okay, then maybe I am") it was important at the time.

People made sure I put at least a few bites of some kind of food…a little cheese, a cracker, some milk, a piece of fruit…for me, this was crucial. I’m a diabetic and stress exacerbates blood sugar issues tremendously, both highs and lows. People cleaned my house, or at least the public areas. It wasn’t filthy or anything, but it was cluttered and became more cluttered as people came. They changed sheets (or put them on spare beds) ran dishtowels through the washer and dryer and kept the kitchen picked up. I don’t care that it took me a week to find things, I care that relative strangers were in and out and my house looked and smelled clean. This was important to me. Maybe it shouldn’t have been, but it was.  They took care of big things. They had the car towed, cleaned and the window replaced, they stood with me when I dealt with officials and took notes, started lists of people who brought food or did kindnesses for me, because they knew I wouldn’t remember. Maybe this is not true for everyone, but for me, the very fact that casual friends took their time to come meant a lot to me, even if at the time, I didn’t know it. Good friends and extended family came and STAYED. They were the constant touch stones in my life.  They did and said "normal" things…and they brought alcohol!  They left me alone when I needed to be alone, and then at bedtime when I couldn’t face that bedroom, but daughter in law and daughter in law to be, piled in the bed with me and held me while I cried and cried with me. That is one of my strongest memories. No matter what happens in the future I will always love them for that. Forever. Always. My sons couldn’t do that, their grief was too raw…but these twenty something year old girls knew what to do…and weren’t ashamed or afraid to do it.

There are more things I will probably say in the next few days or weeks…but I wanted to write down some of the things that I do remember, and encourage anyone faced with being the friend or family…go with your gut. If it feels right to be there, please be there. If it doesn’t…leave, but come back. Just because I couldn’t use you that day, doesn’t mean I didn’t need you the next.

If you are going through any kind of serious tragedy…do NOT be afraid to take, take, take, take. You need it and it is okay. It also makes the people around you feel useful and they appreciate that as well. People WANT to help. Let them, because  you will need it.

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On another note…I survived the Social Security appointment. It was hard and I was pissed. I write more coherently than I talk when I’m stressed. I had taken the time to fill out most of the paperwork online, but due to a computer glitch this morning, I couldn’t quite finish it. But, the paper says that the more you can do online, the shorter your appointment will be.  Well, so much for that. since i hadn’t finished it, they couldn’t access any of it and I had to go through every question again outloud. That was hard. I was there 2 hours. But I survived. I have to find one more piece of information for them…and I think I can do it online…and then it will be up to the powers that be for this first step. If I get it, I get it, if not, I can appeal and i will get a good lawyer. But, as I was told before, this day is over and I don’t ever have to live it again. Thank God….

Night folks….thanks so much for all the kind words and prayers that have come my way. I treasure each and every comment!!