Monday

I know you tried to rescue me
Didn’t let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been
Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
In my nothing,
You meant everything. Everything to me.

Twenty seven years. Twenty seven fucking years. This is how long I’ve been alive. Breathing.
I’ve heard the term more than once,
"Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive"
But pain is not something I’m comfortable with. I spent years in pain. It’s the kind of pain that no one will understand unless they feel it themselves. It’s the kind of pain that they try to get across in those commercials for depression, but it comes off as stupid, and corny, and relentlessly debilitating. It wears down on you mentally, physically, truthfully – it just hurts.
My wife and kid are away, in Calgary for a few days. Last night I stepped into her room, and I don’t know why. I just went in there, I had to, for some reason. I lost it. Right there by the crib. I haven’t cried that hard or that long in what seems like decades….I can’t remember the last time I cried.
Today I drove home for lunch. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. I tried my best to choke them back but I felt nothing but a lump in my throat that begged for teary eyes and I….felt so helpless. Threw me right back into age 16, where everything was a bizarre mixture of emotion and sickness.
I doubled up on my dose of effexor. Maybe it’s stopped working. Maybe my mind has grown stronger, I don’t know. I feel fine now, but I can’t shake those zephyr blues.
And somewhere in the six months that I’ve known her an emotional attachment has grown. Somewhere inside of me is a piece of her that lives stronger than anything I’ve ever felt towards another living being before. I feel a burning desire to keep her safe from the world, the ugly place that it can be. I won’t let you fall apart, not like me, never like me. 
Pills aside. I’m still a broken human being. Top up that dosage! Degenerate and infiltrate!
It’s all very mechanical, you see. Short circuits and broken fuses. It’s like wandering through your own life in a dream, or outside of a dream. All pain disappears, but cuts clean through you like negative particles.

Emotionally fucked up. Can’t decide what to do with this time. Just let it breathe out. Smoke cigarettes to cure the aches. Try to…

Ponder the events as they unfold chronologically. Does our time act as a slice of now? 
How soon is now? When is now? Don’t think about time travel. If time travel were apparent, you could be someone else. Maybe you in the future came back and kept you alive and well. Maybe you are just a product of a future you, or a past you, that decided you needed to be here, right now, in this exact moment.

I miss my wife. I miss my kid. That is all.
 

All these pieces,
And promises and left behinds
If only you could see
In my nothing,
It meant everything, Everything to me.

Severed fragments of my being
Pieced together, give life meaning
Fragile quilts of faded memories
Torn apart by life’s disease again.